Save your line about needing to be free. Alright, reason number 185865436453 that I adore Dan Savage, and I think this point is so important and speaks so well to so much of the total bullshit that has gone on in my life and the lives of so many of my friends that it must be in bold face:

"A man's fear of commitment is boring, boring, boring; it's not the interesting existential dilemma so many of you straight guys seem to think it is."

California, here we come. I didn't notice this similarity before, but man oh man it's just frapping me in the visage. And yeah, I'm just a weeee bit obsessed with The O.C. You all still love me, right?

Wanting contact. Sounds like my kind of holiday:

"You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!"

In passing, do I ever talk about anything else besides sex on this thing? Man, do I have a one tract mind. I need to get a pet or something.

Go now, go. Why "My So-Called Life" is always right, shameless snipped from TWoP:

In the bathroom, Rayanne gently shoves Angela into a stall and says, "You want to have sex with him." Angela demurs, "Who?" "'Who?'" repeats Rayanne, "Jordan! Catalano? Come on, I'm not going to tell anyone, just admit it." Angela leans in and admits, "I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. Either sex or a conversation -- ideally both." That really is ideal -- she's right.

Amen, sister... and Jared Leto to boot. Such taste!

I am the spark. Sunday I went to see Air in Marseille which was simply amazing, and tomorrow I am going skiing in the Alps. But first, tonight I am going to a big 21st birthday blowout where I will be introduced to beautiful French men. Yeah, you all totally wish you were me.

I promise not to adopt this as my new world view, but it is surprisingly fitting:


I should probably refrain from putting other people's humor in my blog, but really I just can't help it. Is it that I'm not interesting? Not at all. I'm just lazy. This is France, damnit. We're socialists; we don't have to work if we don't want to.

Another wasted night. In response to all you "metrosexuals," this is all I have to say:


And besides, all you hipsters have nothing on the French. Wait until you all start wearing your parachute pants tucked into your boxing-style hightops. Then you'll really be hardcore.

Thank you for summing it up, toothpaste.

Turning Japanese. Well it's true, I am, in a sense, although I have a sneaking suspicion that song is racist. But I digress. I think this sums up our election options quite nicely.

Can you tell me how to get. So, yeah, horrible horrible taste, but oh so funny.



Check out more here.

Pinch me, and then just touch me. Had to start it out with a little B.B. considering that it's the only techno I regularly get to hear. I am going through so many different types of withdrawls it's just not even funny anymore. Makes me wanna spend my day cursing just to feel that acidy-tingling sensation you get from doing something illicit and impolite. Or take up heavy drinking. Or go dancing just so that people will grope me... okay, maybe not that last one.

I have a bitchin' pad, and you all have to come visit so that I can go "nah nah nah" in your general direction because I live in a sexy loft, and you do not. Of course, I will not get to use said sexy loft for any sexy purposes, so really what's the point? And now we're back to where we started.

Classes have started, and the stress of it all is... quite different from Swells stress. No homework, but trying to pay attention is kinda exhausting after awhile. Been watching a lot of French TV, and I officially hate dubbing. Can't they frigging produce their own shows? Bah.

Fuck this, I'm getting a crepe. If I can't have sex, at least I can have chocolate.

You just call out my name. Just remember, until I return...


And forget your sorrows with a little Brit mystery.

Hey boy, meet girl. Hehe I write like a boy. How 'bout you, friend?

It's the most wonderful time of the year. In honor of the dreaded week, I have posted the following:

Top Ten Signs That It Is Finals Week

10. You've lost ten pounds because eating just isn't as important as cramming for philosophy.

9. You haven't cried this much since your rabbit ran away in the fourth grade. Or last finals week.

8. You convinced a nurse's aide to set up a red bull IV drip for you.

7. The librarian asks you to leave because your snoring is disturbing the other sleepers. Students. I meant students.

6. None of your friends has gotten through the week without a) getting high, b) getting plastered, or c) getting so wired their heart beat as fast as a hummingbird's.

5. You are almost run over by a woman who is talking on her cell phone and trying to study off a book precariously balanced on her steering wheel. You spend the rest of the day angry and depressed.

4. ...because she missed you.

3. You forget what you look like without a pen tucked behind your ear and your collection of scantrons/blue books in hand.

2. You get six hours of sleep daily... none of them at night, and none of them for more than two hours at a time.

and the number one sign that it is finals week:

1. Come Saturday, you're going to start weaning yourself off of caffeine. You'll start by cutting down to three jolt colas and a triple espresso.

Well you can play my game, but I'll put you to shame.

Oh, but I must...

Check out more in-your-face bluntness. It's all the rage with us crazy college kids. Wonk.

It's all right 'cause I'm saved by the bell. I like how, even though I'm older, my life really hasn't changed substantially. I still have the emotional capacity of a fuck-wit. Loverly, aren't I?

E: It's all very high school. I'm like an extra on "Degrassi High"
J: I know, but I figure you guys will straighten it out in study hall
E: Pass him a note for me, k?
J: Sure. Which locker's his?
E: Just make sure Ms. Munch doesn't read it
J: Right
E: #56J on the 3rd floor.
J: Cool. I'll rock that. Is it that one near the thing where those folks are always making out? Or is it the one next to where jenny almost spilled that milkshake all over her white pants the third day of last semester's finals period?
E: Awesome. I'll save you some pizza bites in the cafeteria. want my snack pack?
J: mmmmmm snack pack and pizza
E: mmm...the only finals being state standardized exams.... or 3 page essays on The Catcher in the Rye *drool* It was a simpler time my friend, a simpler time
J: That it was
E: *sniff*

You put the lime in the coconut. This is why I shouldn’t stay up past 2 a.m.:
G: Don't you want to write my PAPAH?
E: PAPAYAH. Hahahaha I don't know why I keep doing that
G: You're a papayah
E: I’m yummy!
G: I almost wrote papayaha
E: I’m a funny papayah
G: You are. I’ll eat you for lunch tomorrow!

Because we are. This is what happens when you go on a walk around the lake with a crazy person. They sing ridiculous songs at you:

"G. had a little E., her fleece was blue as a blueberry." Oh man.

It's the end of the world as we know it. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a comment on the horrendous state of world politics or a pathetic attempt to make fun of Australians, but either way I was amused. Anyone else notice how the leader of Russia looks like Saddam? I mean, I realize he's supposed to be Stalin, but still. I guess he just shops at Facists-Dictators 'R' Us.

It was sure nice talking to you, dad. In case there was any leftover confusion as to why I am so very strange, here's another clue:

Me: See, you can talk to me about sports! you don't need a son :-P
Dad: Sigh. With a son I could have a few brewskies and go to a strip club after the game.
Me: I don't even want to think about that
Dad: I know. It's that male bondage thing.
Me: ew
Dad: I'll buy you a lap dance, next time we go together.
Me: *vomit*

But I got shit to do. Okay, time to bitch. I am sooooo sick of these girls complaining about how they have no boyfriends. Just. Shut. UP. These stupid twits are constantly complain about how it's too much "work" to find boyfriends so they should just go gay blah blah blah horny-cakes. Well, you know what ladies, I have news for you. Going to a co-ed school does not automatically mean that you will have a boyfriend! Tada! These stupid girls remind me of my friend freshman year of high school who expected to be issued a boyfriend the minute she walked into school because that's what always seemed to happen on "Saved By the Bell."

Guess what, ladies. Finding a decent guy to date is hard! You have to go out on dates, put yourself out there and "kiss a lot of frogs." Your ridiculous naïveté regarding the opposite sex is beyond irritating. Please, stop clogging up our conferences with your belly-aching. You want to meet a guy? Go out on a date. Ask that hot guy at the party for his phone number. Make friends. Basically, LEAVE YOUR FUCKING ROOM ON WEEKENDS. Because, honey, even if you went to a co-ed school, sitting in your room on weekends watching Colin Firth movies won't do a damn thing.

So, please, do us all a favor. Shut the hell UP!

3...2...1... Why is The Onion always spot-on?


Schwarzenegger Elected First Horseman Of The Apocalypse