Don't cut out my paper heart. Two things got me through first semester of my senior year of college: My friend Ike (Hi, Ike!) and Stone Temple Pilots. I think I was too young and oblivious in the early '90s to realize that STP got a lot of flack for not being as cool as Nirvana and Pearl Jam, but Scott Weiland's howling on "Tripping on a Whole in a Paper Cup" really made me feel better when I was down. It's sort of a odd choice for comfort, but it worked for me.

I just read a fabulous piece about the enduring awesomeness of STP, and I had to share it with you. Steve Hyden doesn't mention this, but the video for "Sour Girl," in my opinion, is really powerful. Weiland's eyes at sunrise? Swoon! Also, that song scares the crap out of me. But that's another story.

Candelabra's lighted. All my misanthropy and disillusionment neatly and articulately presented, courtesy of Ms. Austen:

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and everyday confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense."
-Pride & Prejudice, Volume 2, Chapter 1

It is amazing how little human nature changes. I've finally gotten around to reading Emma, and though the circumstances and social conventions are different, the reactions, motivations, and emotions exhibited by the central characters are completely relatable. You'd hope that human beings would have matured by now, but apparently not. Instead, we've just gotten rid of all the social graces and made the subtext the text. In other words, you can say any disgusting thing you want to anyone, especially on the Internet, and you won't be shunned from polite society because polite society no longer exists (no matter what "Vogue" or "New York" or the British aristocracy would have you believe). I'm glad I am not required to wear a corset, but does that mean we all have to talk like sailors?

Spins a web, any size. Who knew that Spider-man was such a sex-positive, Planned Parenthood enthusiast? Marvel would be castrated for doing something like that now.

If you were suspicious, all that shit is ficticious. I don't know where I've been lately, but I've missed way too many offensive pop culture trends. Usually I'm the first one to pick up on these things, but it seems I am hopelessly behind the times.

Apparently there is a lot of hating on Jewish women going on that I simply haven't been paying attention to. Jezebel provides a comprehensive rant about the fetishization of Jewish Men and points out that their sexy female counterparts get no love. Word, people. Why do we hold on to that self-hating, spread-by-Philip Roth, nagging Jewish mother stereotype or that money-spending, frigid JAP stereotype? And why is it that the only nice thing Jewish men can say about us is that we give good head? Find a new theme!

To put it generally, as Judaism is passed through the mother, Jewish women tie men to the religion and the culture. As Jewishness is often seen as indicative of weakness, untrustworthiness, impotence, and unattractiveness in Western society, Jewish men must denegrate their female counterparts in order to thrive. Considering that the main tenant of Judaism is to marry another Jew and have lots of tiny Jewish babies, if you don't marry a Jewish woman, you're rejecting your Jewishness. I realize this is a controversial statement, and I'm not attacking Jewish men who date non-Jews. I'm pointing out that the subtext of anti-Jewish women propaganda is, in essence, a denegration of Judaism itself. This Boston Globe op-ed says the same thing with a lot less theoretical mumbo-jumbo.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I refuse to be valued solely on the merits of deep-throating. I refuse to be defined by some archaic, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, self-hating stereotype designed simply so that Jewish men can fuck shiksas and not feel bad about it. Unlike some people, I do not suffer from an identity crisis.

Hush little baby, don't say a word. Holy crap, y'all. I need to take a nap after this scathing review of the year of the "Abortion-Not." I've tried to ignore this trend towards yay pregnancy! in recent films partially because these movies would have no plot without pregnancy, but also because I generally think Hollywood is stupid and banal. I do not rely on Hollywood to offer me intelligent social critiques. Shocking, I know. But there's been so much uproar lately that I guess I'll have to get off my high horse and pay attention:

There can be no female agency in Knocked Up, Waitress, and Juno—not because they are comedies, but because, in each scenario, unwanted pregnancy is the joke played (by God?) on the female lead. As the most successful of the preg protags, she who is Knocked Up is necessarily the most smacked down—the glass ceiling turns out to be Alison's own uterus. Jenna and Juno are less formidable, but unexpected fertility mocks their dreams of autonomy. All three are taught their place by their own bodies—and what's more, they learn to like it.

The Village Voice just punched me in the face.

I'll be always falling. Thanks to the Daily Intelligencer, I have stumbled upon the most hilarious and most upsetting article ever written about a pop culture phenomenon I didn't know about. Apparently I have been immune to Jake Ryan worship all these years, and I had no idea that there were so many women out there pining over this (For those of you who don't remember Jake, here's a nice YouTube tribute for you). Ladies, let's be honest: Jake Ryan doesn't have much of a personality. I agree that he's extremely kind and considerate, but my goodness is he wooden. What would you talk to him about besides beer, gym class, or his porsche? This is why I also don't agree with the Daily Intel's take on Dan Humphrey as the new Jake Ryan because Dan Humphrey, while also extremely kind and considerate, is so fucking self-righteous and faux-superior that I want to smack him off his high horse every time he opens his mouth.

Then again, I never was the girl fantasizing about prince charming. So, I leave it to all of you to pine and moon, and I'll be the cynic at the back of the bar.

Some day my prince will come. Apparently there's been a bit of grumbling about Disney' film, Enchanted. Slate's Dana Stevens complains that the movie uses crass consumerism as a band-aid for life's problems. When in doubt, charge it! But it's not merely the act of spending, it's the "femininity-enhancing, wallet-reducing princess clothes" that are purchased in the film that Stevens finds so worrying. "Does these little girls' happily-ever-after consist only in getting Mommy to buy the right dress?" she asks.

Stevens forgets that every Disney film is merely a marketing venue for their new product line. This subliminal messaging of little girls in pretty dresses is exactly what Disney is banking on to keep its coffers full. Disney has gone princess crazy, manufacturing everything from princess-themed baby-ware to princess salons and high end princess wedding dresses. Every benchmark in the life cycle has been feminized, royalized, and Disneyfied.

But who can blame Disney for capitalizing on consumer trends? As heartbreaking as it may be to dash our childhood illusions of the benevolent visionary creating cartoons with the sole intention of entertaining children, Disney is a notoriously ruthless company willing to brand anything the consumer wants. If there was a call for princess-themed tampons, I'm sure Disney would answer.

I don't necessarily agree that the "ever increasing marketing to younger and younger girls of an adult sexualized version of the princesses is concerning," as Tomi-Ann Roberts, a professor of psychology from Colorado College, says. Like many girls, I went through an intense princess phase where I refused to wear anything but dresses and often went out wearing a tiara. Yes, I was that girl. Yet, somehow, I grew out of it and became the good little feminist you know and love. Even Disney's head of consumer products noted that girls tend to drop the princess brand by age 6.

Furthermore, I don't think that when little girls are playing princess they are playing submission and helplessness. There's a difference between "waiting for your prince to come" and enjoying twirling around in frilly dresses. Though it is telling that Disney has largely ignored the more self-assured (and ethnic) princesses Mulan and Pocahontas to focus its marketing on Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Belle and Jasmine. Even though it could be argued that Belle and Jasmine were very gutsy characters, and Jasmine was Arab, both exhibit more sexualized characteristics, "with more skin showing and bigger heads, eyes and breasts" as Roberts observes. I do, however, give Disney points for creating the first black princess with the forthcoming Princess Tiana, though I suspect it is just a ploy to attract the African American consumer to Disney products.

When you're a child, you are a big ball of id who wants everything in the toy store. You want to be the princess you see on screen. When we went to the pool in the summer, I used to play Little Mermaid and flip my hair like Ariel. It was only when I grew up that I realized how strange that film is: She wants to give up her whole existence for some cute guy she never even talked to? And how do those darn shells stay in place, anyway? Owning Disney merchandise and pretending to be royalty will not permanently warp children. However, if you don't teach your children the value of money and instead let them think that happiness is only a credit card-swipe away, well, you might end up with a spoiled little princess who grows up to be a debt-ridden adult.

Total uses of the word "princess" in this post: 14

You've got the money maker. This article really made me laugh. A Chilean prostitute will auction off 27 hours of her services, you know, for the children. She is donating her services to the televised Teleton, Chile's largest fundraising event, which will run for 27 hours this weekend and benefits a disabled children's charity. "Miss Carolina, who charges $300 for a 90-minute session, estimated that she would raise more than $4000." Sorry boys, all her time has already been sold. You'll have to wait until next year's telethon.

I really hope someone makes a documentary about this. Though, I suppose it would be more porn than anything else.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to. Is it just me, or is this Wall Street Journal columnist implying that his daughter is a slut because she didn't demand to be taken to the homecoming dance instead of just hanging out with a group of kids in a basement? Apparently such an action would have put her and her friends at risk of "being dumped for easier girls."

Frankly, I don't think high school kids should date. Why? Because high school kids are morons. Total, complete morons. I include myself in this. I was an absolute moron in high school. I exhibited poor judgement and a lack of self-esteem, and I consequently made ridiculously bad dating decisions. Granted, my college dating experiences weren't much better, but there's a certain level of emotional maturity I had gained by the time I turned 21 which simply was not there at 16.

Yes, parents should teach their sons to respect girls. That's simply a no-brainer. But more importantly, parents should talk to their children about sex--not just the physical dynamics, but the emotional and health risks of sexual activity. Children of both sexes should be taught to respect themselves and their bodies. There is some evidence that delaying sexual activity has positive health benefits. But blaming the declining age of first intercourse, the prevalence of "hook ups," and the lack of homecoming dance attendance on the death of chivalry is simply childish. Teenage boys were just as likely to try to have sex with teenage girls in the 1950s as they are today, whether or not they go to the big dance.

She blinded me with science. The more liberal our society gets, the more I find myself becoming a prude (I know, I'm as baffled as you are).



I don't know whether to applaud or condemn. On the one hand, I'm glad that American prudery is breaking down enough for people to engage in thoughtful discussions about female anatomy and sexual pleasure. On the other hand, why in the hell is this left up to Tyra Banks, of all people? How do women not know what the urethra is? Furthermore, I really don't need to see a satin vagina puppet. Thanks anyway.

Don't mess with a Missionary Man. I've been sitting on this article for a whole month now, trying to decide what to say about it. I still don't know what to say other than this whole situation just seems wrong. I don't like the idea of religion-for-hire, where you can customize your religion to fit your expectations, completely ignoring thousands of years of theology and tradition. I don't object to intermarriage per se, and I think that most rabbis are horribly narrow-minded on a wide range of topics, but I think that this faux-rabbi business is a downright perversion of something that is essentially sacred and beautiful. People are so used to the customizable modern world where every aspect of life is completely bendable to one's particular vision that they cannot accept it when someone tells them "no." As my friend said, you can do whatever you want, just don't expect the establishment to agree with you.

Radio gaga. Click here to check out the latest in what seems to be a series of bizarre videos of dancing Filipino prisoners. Is this a new twist on prison cruelty or simply a bizarre exercise program? ABC News isn't sure, either.

She was afraid to come out in the open. I know I got really mad about this earlier, but Mormon swimwear looks positively slutty next to our Arab friends' preferred beach attire. Those rubber gloves probably don't breath well.

Thank heaven for little girls. I really can't take this crap anymore. This isn't an Amish or Haredi company, either. Oh no. This is a company that seeks to bring back traditional "modesty" by bringing back 19th century swimwear. Apparently this makes us "wholesome" instead of "insane."

Look, I understand why you might want to wear an oversized T-shirt over their bathing suit at the beach. I mean, I hardly ever think I look good in my bathing suit, either. But to bring back this antiquated need to cover women in the name of modesty is just... bizarre.

She's the face on the radio. In answer to that age-old question of what happens to Communist dictators once their regimes have been overthrown, apparently they go on to have very lucrative careers in fashion. That's right, the former leader of Communist Russia is now a spokesmodel for Louis Vuitton handbags. Maybe that's why communism failed. How good can your political ideology be if your leader goes ahead and turns around and starts endorsing the epitome of capitalism and conspicuous consumption?

Have no fears, we've got stories for years. The AV Club staff seems to have gone off the deep end with their Simpsons love-in. With the movie opening this week, I guess they can't really be blamed, but the in-depth debate about the show's continued existence is particularly geeky. Not nearly as geeky as the types of Simpsons merchandise out there, of course. "Eat My Shorts" Cereal? Really? But who am I to judge? Apparently The Simpsons is the best cultural critic ever and is generally better than everything else in the entire universe. Pretty good for a 22-minute cartoon, eh?

I'll be your whatever you want. Having lived in the region for the past six months, I can tell you that this is an oversimplified answer to a complex problem. Via Facebook group Lezbollah, hot women from different Middle-East-Peace-Process ethnic backgrounds will send in pictures of themselves getting it on and, thus, inspire the rest of us to put down our weapons. After all, what's more inspirational than girl-on-girl action?

I'm pretty sure that most traditional Arabs and Jews would take offense to lesbian hook-ups, even if they are multi-cultural and, therefore, awesome. Also, I am compelled to point out the exploitation here: Why do women always have to pretend to be gay to get men to do what they want? As usual, the only tool with which women can prarticipate when it comes to compromise is our sexuality--or pseudo-lesbian posturing, as the case may be.

Well, I just need a little space to breathe. Someone explain to me why anyone would buy an iPhone. I don't get it. Yes, it's shiny and new and... I honestly can't think of a single other reason this is desirable. From this article, you can see why the gadget isn't revolutionary. It has a tremendous amount of pitfalls, the price being number one on my list, second being the fact that AT&T's cellular service is spotty at best. But perhaps the single biggest turn-off is recounted in this Apple-addict's ode:

While I couldn't find my favorite YouTube video (of rocker Jenny Lewis performing "The Frug," live), I was able to watch some very popular videos and chuckle softly to myself while waiting for a smoothie. The Season 3 finale of Lost looked vastly better on my iPhone than on my video iPod--so good, in fact, that it made one friendly stranger gasp.

How pathetic of a person are you that you cannot stand on line at Jamba Juice without watching a video? Furthermore, how pathetic of a person are you that you feel the need to pay Apple $10 for the privilege of watching a TV show ABC lets you watch for free on their website? How much constant stimulation does a person need? It's like the entire country has become afflicted with ADD, and the only cure is the newest iProduct.

I'm not saying I am free from the pull of crass-consumerism and materialism, but at least I have the good sense to recognize that Apple's products aren't as amazing as the media would have you believe. My iPod, and the iPods of most of the people I know, broke within the first year or a few months after the warranty expired, and I won't even go into the terrible battery-life. But love of all things Apple is nothing new, and most people seem more than happy to ignore the problems for love of the pretty packaging.

The biggest concern for me is that all this electronic gadgetry will create a world of unhealthy non-thinkers. According to the Franklin Institute, television makes your brain go into "neutral." Overexposure to computer screens causes eyestrain. Not to mention the connection between headphones and hearing loss. My point is that this constant exposure to gadgets is ultimately harming our health, our brain function, and our creativity. So wouldn't it be better if we put down our supped-up phones and had a conversation with a real person every now and then? I mean, how can iPhone "revolutionize" the way people communicate if we're spending all our time watching YouTube and shuffling through our MP3 collection, not to mention the fact that it doesn't work as a phone?

If you want to go to hell, you should take a trip. I realize some of my recent posts make me seem like something of a prude, but there are just some things I don't need or want to know. For example, I do not need to see or even think about Bart Simpson's penis. How in the heck is this necessary? This is the ultimate example of a case of too-much-information.

Unfortunately, this is not a publicity stunt. More information here.

Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down. It is my humble opinion that when Time magazine creates a word count as to the latest post-jail Paris Hilton interview, we have officially reached oversaturation. I mean, I expect her to be on the cover of People. I even expect CNN to send me breaking-news updates via e-mail about her antics. But the fact that Time actually went throught the Larry King Live transcript and counted how many times she uttered the word "yes" during her interview (45 times, apparently) is just going too far! I mean, Paris Hilton is, was, and always will be nothing more than an uninteresting blob of flesh. Must we rub it in?