Fashion. Turn to the left. Quote of the day, courtesy of L'Express. It seems that Christian Lacroix is designing a special edition of Petit Larousse for the centennial. This is the best answer to a dictionary-related question I've ever read. True, there's not much competition for that coveted title, but I still found it funny.

Quelle a été la lettre la plus difficile à illustrer?

Peut-être le Z, à cause du peu de termes illustrables. C'était un challenge.

It's not easy being green. Another friendly forward. And no, I never get tired of a good Republican lambasting.

It is tough to be a Republican in 2004, because somehow, you have to believe concurrently that:

1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our
highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3. Standing Tall for America means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.

4. A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind
without regulation.

5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
but then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies make huge profits by having nothing but
the interest of the public at heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

13. It is okay that the Bush family's Carlisle Group has done millions
of business with the Bin Laden family.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured
him he was our buddy, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a
good guy when Cheney did business with him, but then a bad guy again
when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the war
President.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an
unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation, in which thousands of
soldiers and civilians die, is, somehow, solid defense policy in the War
agains Terrorism.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which should include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's
library, and is none of our business.

18. What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital
national interest but what Bush did in the 80s is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

20. Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his
friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale
without studying much, to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National
Guard, to bail out your companies (Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers), to
get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme Court appoint
you President of the USA.

21. You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no
tomorrow, and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay,
while at the same time refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people
who do not need it.

Contemplating these illogical paradoxes can take a toll on a healthy
mind. So if a friend of yours has been acting a bit dazed and confused
lately, be nice: he or she may be a Republican.

Work it. "The Daily Show" is seriously the only reason I can still stand to be in this country. At least someone is fucking criticizing our government. Take this gem from Lewis Black vis a vis our "dearly departed" ex-prez Reagan:

Well, I guess if you think about it, Reagan really was an American Idol: He floated by on charm, he was a triumph of style over substance, and idiots across America kept voting for him.

Thank. You. For a while there, I thought I was taking crazy pills.

There is no one compares with you. Loving is easy. Leaving is hard. Vous me manquez et je vous aime. Toujours.

From the wise Sibyl: No tears, little one, no tears

This is incongruous, but to lighten the mood, a little case of bad attitude.

This familiar feeling. A good reason to be excited to go home? Freaking amazing friends who are waiting for me. You bet, my lovelies.

L(V): What are you up to, [E.], the French translation for fantastic? You are young and having fun, and if people can't handle that then, well, they need to learn to flex a little in their rigid little repressed worlds.

Definitely at the top of my list of fantabulous.

Just wanna see me flying. I'm sitting in the bourgians' apartment shamelessly using them for their internet connection, when this song comes on VH1 Europe and I seriously thought I was gonna pass out, it was that good and that applicable.

The M of my roomie: You're not the first, I'm sure. There are probably lots of expatriated americans who share in your struggle to kick the VH1 Europe habit.

There was life before you. Two drawings which I think pretty aptly summarize my current state of mind. The first I think is self-explanatory. The second is pretty messed up, but I am so cynical about relationships that it just digs right down to the heart of the matter. Bah.

You wanna have sex with no strings attached. I realize he said it to be mean, but I thought this was very funny:

"Yes...we know you have sex 7328 times a day because you combine supermodel looks with girl-next-door charm."

What can I say? I am just sex on legs. Um, right.

Sometimes ups outnumber the downs. This is a really good conversation I had with my Dad online, and I thought it was so funny and so sage that I have kept it for posterity. It'll also give you a nice little window into why I'm so nuts.

Me: oh, there was a scorpion in my apartment thursday night. that was a fun bit of excitement
Dad: what?
Me: yup, a scorpion
Dad: mosquitos, bees maybe. even a a mouse or a rat. a roach. not a scorpion.
Me: i know, it scared the shit out of me. i threw a phone book at it in the hopes of smooshing it. didn't work, just made it angry
Dad: is this usual? are they dangerous?
Me: yes they're common, and yup, the one in my apartment was poisonous
Dad: wow
Me: i hightailed it over to raoul's place and stayed there to 5 am i was so wound up
Dad: who be raoul. great name
Me: raoul is another of my luxembourg friends. he lives on the next street over
Dad: if i had a son i would name him raoul. sounds stupid huh?
Me: not as bad as Abdul
Dad: megan epstein
Me: makenzie
Me: brooklynn
Dad: brooklyn is a place not a name
Me: yeah well that's what all the extra n's are for. gives it a disticntion. my kid is gonna be named Bronx. has character i think
Dad: distinctively insipid

Dad: [you know who] is one of life's experiences. now a scorpion. that is a different matter. and having a friend named raoul. that is exceptional. i wish i had a pet scorpion named raoul.
Me: if you're not careful, i'll buy you one
Dad: please
Me: um. no. I do not get along with scorpions
Dad: maybe you can find the one you tossed in the street and bring it home
Me: he is persona non grata as far as i am concerned

Dad: the scorpion and the turtle was the fable
Me: never heard that before
Dad: it is a good one. a scorpion was standing on a river bank when a turtle swam by. the scoprion said, "Turtle please give me a ride across on your back." The turtle said, "No you will bite me." The scorpion said, "i promise not to bite you." so the turtle said ok and the scorpion climbed on the turtles back and they started across the river. when they got half way across the scorpion reared back and bit the turtle. as they both sank and started to drown the turtle said, "why did you do that? i trusted you and now we both are going to die." and the scorpion said, "i am a scorpion. what did you expect from me?"
Me: so moral of the story: don't trust a scorpion?
Dad: not really, but i think of the fable whenever someone says, "gee i thought this time they/he/she would be different." this is what scorpions do so don't be surprised when they do it. now if you were to get back with [choose an asshole] or [choose an asshole] etc. then i would say, "he is a scorpion so you know what to expect."
Me: well yes. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...
Dad: correct. and if you had observed [you know who's] behavior to someone else and then you went out with him figuring he would treat you differently well....
Me: right, but i didn't know.
Dad: moreover he appeared in disguise
Me: exactly!
Dad: and for whatever reasons you did not pick up on it.

Dad: what i find disturbing is that you did not trust your instincts.
Me: that's what i find disturbing, too
Dad: someone is not treating you right, you don't think maybe something is wrong with me.
you think this is not good for me. the opinion of others is not relevant. only your opinion counts. and you must learn to judge and trust your self.

Dad: maybe you will know what a scorpion looks like. you think you know because you saw stuff happen to your friends and such but there is nothing like firsthand experience. got to live life. they say i practise law. get it? practise. you never really get it right.
Me: i understand
Dad: so i can keep saying stuff like chalk it up to experience, etc. but like baseball it is a long season and there are many games to play and it is only May. write it on a piece of papaer. put the paper in an envelope. put the envelope in a drawer to be taken out in the future when you have time to look at it. as cassius clay said, "i can't wait because i get prettier every day."

Me: i was thinking of going to the Therms Sextius to relax. i'm too wound up
Dad: i think they have different treatmeant at the old thermius.
Me: whaaaaa? that didn't even make sense
Dad: you know, different prices depending on how much thermius you order.
Me: oh man. so if i want a small thermius with like cartoon characters on it, it's different than the stainless steel one?
Dad: what happenedd to the thermius onius through fivius?
Me: who are you, zero mostel?
Dad: oh good one. didn't even think of that. thermius zeroius
Me: did a funny thing happen on the way to the thermius?
Dad: another good one. been talking to the old man for far to longius
Me: i like how you're picking apart the thermius part and not the sextius opart
Dad: keep it cleanius
Me: you're either very mature or you need to hang out with bob dole. i am mean
Dad: if i were married to liddy i would need more than viagra
Me: um. yeah *shudder*
Dad: indeed.

Shake your stuff ladies. "First rule of TV journalism: Fact checking is for pussies! Kronkite taught me that." Oh Ed Helms, you crazy mofo, you.

All that's bullshit baby. L(V) has hit me over the head with out my own advice. I will put it up for posterity's sake (and so that I don't forget it, me being the dumbass that I am):

In a perfect world, really hot guys who are good in bed would also be mature and sensible and chill and wouldn't freak out the minute something unperfect happened. Obviously we do not live in a perfect world.

Yes, I am so sage...as you all knew already (I'm also very modest).

Her response, which I think is one of the best descriptions of the event, especially considering she wasn't even in the same frigging time zone when all of this went down, is also quite hysterical:

That's got to be one of the most succinct summaries EVER. Unfortunately, most guys are tools. And the funny thing is my dear, you are totally the alpha male here, and are like "Yeah, let's just have fun and chill and get to know each other and see where this goes, you know, just let it flow," and the guy, who is being a butthead, is like "AHHHhhhhh I CAN'T COMMIT THIS IS TOO INTENSE" and you're like "woah chill man it's been like a week, mofo."

Props to you, babe. Props. To. You.

Least you think that I am crying all over Aix, I am pretty over it by now. The only thing that still bothers me is the inequity of the situation, that he got to just walk away and I got to itch and burn and have insomnia from the antibiotic to prevent UTI. I feel like a walking Women's Studies seminar. Fuck, you know?

In other news, I make out with guys from Luxembourg. Yeah, I'm that girl.

Save your line about needing to be free. Alright, reason number 185865436453 that I adore Dan Savage, and I think this point is so important and speaks so well to so much of the total bullshit that has gone on in my life and the lives of so many of my friends that it must be in bold face:

"A man's fear of commitment is boring, boring, boring; it's not the interesting existential dilemma so many of you straight guys seem to think it is."

California, here we come. I didn't notice this similarity before, but man oh man it's just frapping me in the visage. And yeah, I'm just a weeee bit obsessed with The O.C. You all still love me, right?

Wanting contact. Sounds like my kind of holiday:

"You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!"

In passing, do I ever talk about anything else besides sex on this thing? Man, do I have a one tract mind. I need to get a pet or something.

Go now, go. Why "My So-Called Life" is always right, shameless snipped from TWoP:

In the bathroom, Rayanne gently shoves Angela into a stall and says, "You want to have sex with him." Angela demurs, "Who?" "'Who?'" repeats Rayanne, "Jordan! Catalano? Come on, I'm not going to tell anyone, just admit it." Angela leans in and admits, "I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. Either sex or a conversation -- ideally both." That really is ideal -- she's right.

Amen, sister... and Jared Leto to boot. Such taste!

I am the spark. Sunday I went to see Air in Marseille which was simply amazing, and tomorrow I am going skiing in the Alps. But first, tonight I am going to a big 21st birthday blowout where I will be introduced to beautiful French men. Yeah, you all totally wish you were me.

I promise not to adopt this as my new world view, but it is surprisingly fitting:


I should probably refrain from putting other people's humor in my blog, but really I just can't help it. Is it that I'm not interesting? Not at all. I'm just lazy. This is France, damnit. We're socialists; we don't have to work if we don't want to.

Another wasted night. In response to all you "metrosexuals," this is all I have to say:


And besides, all you hipsters have nothing on the French. Wait until you all start wearing your parachute pants tucked into your boxing-style hightops. Then you'll really be hardcore.

Thank you for summing it up, toothpaste.

Turning Japanese. Well it's true, I am, in a sense, although I have a sneaking suspicion that song is racist. But I digress. I think this sums up our election options quite nicely.

Can you tell me how to get. So, yeah, horrible horrible taste, but oh so funny.



Check out more here.

Pinch me, and then just touch me. Had to start it out with a little B.B. considering that it's the only techno I regularly get to hear. I am going through so many different types of withdrawls it's just not even funny anymore. Makes me wanna spend my day cursing just to feel that acidy-tingling sensation you get from doing something illicit and impolite. Or take up heavy drinking. Or go dancing just so that people will grope me... okay, maybe not that last one.

I have a bitchin' pad, and you all have to come visit so that I can go "nah nah nah" in your general direction because I live in a sexy loft, and you do not. Of course, I will not get to use said sexy loft for any sexy purposes, so really what's the point? And now we're back to where we started.

Classes have started, and the stress of it all is... quite different from Swells stress. No homework, but trying to pay attention is kinda exhausting after awhile. Been watching a lot of French TV, and I officially hate dubbing. Can't they frigging produce their own shows? Bah.

Fuck this, I'm getting a crepe. If I can't have sex, at least I can have chocolate.