You wanna have sex with no strings attached. I realize he said it to be mean, but I thought this was very funny:

"Yes...we know you have sex 7328 times a day because you combine supermodel looks with girl-next-door charm."

What can I say? I am just sex on legs. Um, right.

Sometimes ups outnumber the downs. This is a really good conversation I had with my Dad online, and I thought it was so funny and so sage that I have kept it for posterity. It'll also give you a nice little window into why I'm so nuts.

Me: oh, there was a scorpion in my apartment thursday night. that was a fun bit of excitement
Dad: what?
Me: yup, a scorpion
Dad: mosquitos, bees maybe. even a a mouse or a rat. a roach. not a scorpion.
Me: i know, it scared the shit out of me. i threw a phone book at it in the hopes of smooshing it. didn't work, just made it angry
Dad: is this usual? are they dangerous?
Me: yes they're common, and yup, the one in my apartment was poisonous
Dad: wow
Me: i hightailed it over to raoul's place and stayed there to 5 am i was so wound up
Dad: who be raoul. great name
Me: raoul is another of my luxembourg friends. he lives on the next street over
Dad: if i had a son i would name him raoul. sounds stupid huh?
Me: not as bad as Abdul
Dad: megan epstein
Me: makenzie
Me: brooklynn
Dad: brooklyn is a place not a name
Me: yeah well that's what all the extra n's are for. gives it a disticntion. my kid is gonna be named Bronx. has character i think
Dad: distinctively insipid

Dad: [you know who] is one of life's experiences. now a scorpion. that is a different matter. and having a friend named raoul. that is exceptional. i wish i had a pet scorpion named raoul.
Me: if you're not careful, i'll buy you one
Dad: please
Me: um. no. I do not get along with scorpions
Dad: maybe you can find the one you tossed in the street and bring it home
Me: he is persona non grata as far as i am concerned

Dad: the scorpion and the turtle was the fable
Me: never heard that before
Dad: it is a good one. a scorpion was standing on a river bank when a turtle swam by. the scoprion said, "Turtle please give me a ride across on your back." The turtle said, "No you will bite me." The scorpion said, "i promise not to bite you." so the turtle said ok and the scorpion climbed on the turtles back and they started across the river. when they got half way across the scorpion reared back and bit the turtle. as they both sank and started to drown the turtle said, "why did you do that? i trusted you and now we both are going to die." and the scorpion said, "i am a scorpion. what did you expect from me?"
Me: so moral of the story: don't trust a scorpion?
Dad: not really, but i think of the fable whenever someone says, "gee i thought this time they/he/she would be different." this is what scorpions do so don't be surprised when they do it. now if you were to get back with [choose an asshole] or [choose an asshole] etc. then i would say, "he is a scorpion so you know what to expect."
Me: well yes. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...
Dad: correct. and if you had observed [you know who's] behavior to someone else and then you went out with him figuring he would treat you differently well....
Me: right, but i didn't know.
Dad: moreover he appeared in disguise
Me: exactly!
Dad: and for whatever reasons you did not pick up on it.

Dad: what i find disturbing is that you did not trust your instincts.
Me: that's what i find disturbing, too
Dad: someone is not treating you right, you don't think maybe something is wrong with me.
you think this is not good for me. the opinion of others is not relevant. only your opinion counts. and you must learn to judge and trust your self.

Dad: maybe you will know what a scorpion looks like. you think you know because you saw stuff happen to your friends and such but there is nothing like firsthand experience. got to live life. they say i practise law. get it? practise. you never really get it right.
Me: i understand
Dad: so i can keep saying stuff like chalk it up to experience, etc. but like baseball it is a long season and there are many games to play and it is only May. write it on a piece of papaer. put the paper in an envelope. put the envelope in a drawer to be taken out in the future when you have time to look at it. as cassius clay said, "i can't wait because i get prettier every day."

Me: i was thinking of going to the Therms Sextius to relax. i'm too wound up
Dad: i think they have different treatmeant at the old thermius.
Me: whaaaaa? that didn't even make sense
Dad: you know, different prices depending on how much thermius you order.
Me: oh man. so if i want a small thermius with like cartoon characters on it, it's different than the stainless steel one?
Dad: what happenedd to the thermius onius through fivius?
Me: who are you, zero mostel?
Dad: oh good one. didn't even think of that. thermius zeroius
Me: did a funny thing happen on the way to the thermius?
Dad: another good one. been talking to the old man for far to longius
Me: i like how you're picking apart the thermius part and not the sextius opart
Dad: keep it cleanius
Me: you're either very mature or you need to hang out with bob dole. i am mean
Dad: if i were married to liddy i would need more than viagra
Me: um. yeah *shudder*
Dad: indeed.

Shake your stuff ladies. "First rule of TV journalism: Fact checking is for pussies! Kronkite taught me that." Oh Ed Helms, you crazy mofo, you.