Thursday, December 30, 2004

Another head aches, another heart breakes. Do guys really think like this? And what if you were that girl to someone, but he still can't take it? It seems to me that this guy forgot one thing: You have to be man enough to handle it when said dream girl comes along.

from a guy, on dating

Date: Tue Dec 07 15:02:11 2004

Why does he disappear?

Most likely, he's not a complete asshole. He saw something about you he liked, and wanted to date you. Like others have said, sex can only sustain a relationship so long - for me it's about 1 night, if that (generally I'm not interested in hooking up with girls who I don't see as potential girlfriends). There's got to be something going on mentally - emotionally.

You guys have to be able to have a good conversation - and what you think is a good conversation may not be the same for him.

You've got to be the girl that he goes and raves to his dad about. The girl that, when hanging out with you, he goes to the bathroom and text messages his friend "I'm in love" about. The girl he brags to his GIRLfriends about. The girl whose picture he looks at every day, secretly looking around his office to make sure nobody's standing behind him.

You've got to be the girl that he can't WAIT to take home to meet his parents. The girl that he fantasizes about doing things with - going away, going out to eat, going to the library. The girl that makes him see a hot girl, and think "man, I'm so glad I'm not going to feel bad about not being with HER" (because yes, every time we see a gorgeous woman we feel bad that we're not with them).

You've got to be the girl who he brings to his office party, introduces you to his coworkers, then pretends he's annoyed when they tell him the next day how nice and how beautiful you are, and how cute the two of you are together (though he's secretly loving every minute of it).

You've got to be the girl whose name he searches for on his computer and in his email account, hoping he'll find something that he wrote to his friend about you (or better yet, an old email from you). The girl whose old emails and notes he reads again and again. And again and again.

You've got to be the girl he dreams of spending money on. The girl who makes him feel like material things are irrelevant. The girl who he makes a mixtape for - and when you make one for him he cherishes it forever - and tries to find hidden meanings in the songs, their titles, their order.

You've got to be the girl that makes him hide in the bathroom at work, quietly sobbing, when he thinks things are going bad. The girl that makes him stay at work much later than he should, because instead of meeting his deadline, he's writing craigslist posts about you.

I'm sorry, when I started this, I truly intended it to be a guy's views on dating. Instead it turned into me rambling on about the girl that I don't have, but dream about.

But I'm sure that every girl is that girl to someone.

You're still a superhot female. Misogyny is the epitome of uncool, unattractive, and crappy. This is everything I hated about high school and then some. Assholes.

E: it's exactly what i hated about high school.
I: High School = suck
E: yes, but I was outspoken and strong and smart and self-confident; erego, I was an outcast and treated in exactly this mysogynistic manner
I: Booo
E: BUT I will win because I am awesome and they suck. Inherently so. So, uh, ha!
I: you already are winning
E: I am?
I: They are all jizzmops
E: Jizzmops! Wow. That's That's like a step below jizz, below the jizz left on the nudie booth, below the guy who has to mop up the jizz. The mop itself!
I: exactly
E: you're tough
I: nah, I just learned the word 'jizzmop' somewhere
E: but still. I quack with fear
I: I honk with authority.
E: I'm still impressed

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

This shit is bananas. This is beautiful in design but bizarre in production. Marvel and recoil.

Monday, December 20, 2004

I can see it in her eyes. Teeheeee...

Woman: Having sex with him was the same as eating a slice of plain Wonder bread while looking in the window of a Crate and Barrel.

--York & 70th

Her dizzy head is conscience ladden. The internet is truly priceless, especially during finals:

TV Catch Phrases That Weren't.

- - - -

Hawaii Five-O
"Book him, Danno!"
Original: "Beat him, Danno. Beat him good."

Hill Street Blues
"Be careful out there."
Original: "Watch out for black kids."

I Love Lucy
"Lucy, you have some explaining to do."
Original: "You moron! You'll have me deported."

Good Times
Original: "Dy-na-mite!"

Spiderman (animated)
"My Spidey senses are tingling."
Original: "I'm getting an erection."

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Outside, inside out. Reason #509776 that L(V) is a goddess who, for some inecplicable reason, shares my karma. In this case, it's regarding the sorry state of our computers:

L(V): between the two of us were like a ricky martin music video
L(V): beer
L(V): and hot wax


E:------ and i ---- 5 times in less than 24 hours
L(V): That seems to go against the laws of physics
L(V): and chafing

Also, this is just funny:
T: Well, not everyone can be as gloriously straightforward as you
E: HAHAHAHA. Oh man. I think I've gotten worse
T: You attacking men on the street now?

T: Because of this story, I am now hesitant to be a rock star
E: Um, I don't think you were in danger in general
T: I was about to be discovered
E: Of being a jerk? I already knew that
T: ooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I got served
E: Snap!

If you were wondering if I was procrastinating by talking to people online and then transcribing the conversations here, well, you'd be right.

Can you fill me in? This isn't funny, and yet it really really is:

What happened to all the romance? I wondered as I walked up the hill, through the campus of the Stevens Institute of Technology — which, it should be noted, Sinatra attended for one-and-a-half semesters — to have a few minutes with my favorite view of Manhattan. It is a beautiful spot, with plenty of nervous nerdy young scientists to keep you entertained, especially if you're thinking about sex. Is that one with the nice hands getting laid? He doesn't like me watching him, or maybe he does, but has yet to learn how to make eye contact. The high geek factor is a turn-on for a perv like myself. Is it their innocence? The fear in their eyes? Am I just a maniac? Having occasionally dabbled in geekdom, I have learned that they're inclined to masturbate more than your average college student, and sometimes even in the library. Is it wrong that I find that sexy?

Okay, I'm not saying that I agree with this. It's just...I don't spend much time thinking about MIT masterba-trons, but I definitely know about the fear in their eyes. If you ever need to feel hottt, just walk down the Endless Corridor in a low-cut shirt. I swear you'll feel like Marilyn Monroe in five seconds flat.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

I'd pay a ransom note to stop it from steaming. In honor of finals:

E: I used the word cacodylic in my essay. 15 million points! I'm using it in reference to a Dadaist painting. "The cacodylic eye." It's in my poem
I: ooooh
E: See, 15 million points for the word, then 15 bajillion points for an obscure Dadaist reference. If I can pull off lacuna as well...ooooooh man. It'll be the paper to end all papers
I: And umpty-illion points for putting it in a poem at the end of a paper for WoST about going to a strip club
E: I WIN! They should give me a parade
I: If you were at Chuck E. Cheese's, the machine would spit out so many tickets you could buy, like, a cruise boat or something.
E: wow

And, because I am cheeky, "So let it be written. So let it be done."

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Take your troubles away. Here's my random, nit-picky complaint of the day: I HATE when there's a really REALLY hot guy in the dining hall and he's with some woof girl. Seriously, where's the justice?

Yes, dear readers. Finals have arrived! La la la la!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I have the touch. Some girl on the squash team asked me if I was on a sports team because I look "athletic." No one's ever called me athletic in my life. I am awesome! Or fleece and mesh shorts fool everyone... either way.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

When all I possess is a melody. I've been reminiscing, I guess you could call it, mostly because of my Friday WOST class in which we read some incredibly important essays by A. Rich and D. Haraway. It made me remember my intro class and how much this essay changed my life. I suddenly remembered why I wanted to study this in the first place--to find some sense in my crazy, topsy-turvy life and to understand the why and the how of me.

Things that are awesome (today):

  1. Badly Drawn Boy live performing "How" and "Once Around the Block"

  2. Finding Roses under your seat after lecture

  3. Ladybugs landing on your coat after a bad day

  4. The Alchemist

  5. SVU

  6. Fucking incredible friends

    Things that suck (lately):
  1. Daylight Savings Time

  2. Uncertainty

  3. Immaturity

Friday, November 19, 2004

Closer I am to fine. This is one of my favorite essays ever. I've read it a million times, and someone just posted it on an on-campus online forum, so I knew I must share it with the masses...all two of you.

Anyway, be enlightened. Laugh. Menstruate!

If Men Could Menstruate
by Gloria Steinam
from Ms. VII October 1978

A white minority of the world has spent centuries conning us into thinking that a white skin makes people superior - even though the only thing it really does is make them more vulnerable to ultraviolet rays and to wrinkles. Male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis-envy is *natural* to women - though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb-envy at least as logical.

In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless - and logic has nothing to do with it.

What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boastworthy, masculine event.

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammad Ali’s Rop-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days", and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("men-struation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without the steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins?"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound each month ("you must give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in the Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag ("I’m a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you lookin’ good!") by giving five’s and saying, "Yeah, man, I’m on the rag!"

TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Ritchie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)

Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, and measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefield fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every fields would try to be kind: the fact that "these people" have no gift of measuring life or connecting with the universe, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.

And how would women be trained to react? One can imagine traditional women agreeing to all these arguments with a staunch and smiling masochism. ("The ERA would force housewives to wound themselves every month": Phyllis Shlafley. "Your husband’s blood is as sacred as that of Jesus - and so sexy too!": Marabel Morgan.) Reformers and Queen Bess would try to imitate men, and pretend to have a monthly cycle. All feminists would explain endlessly that men, too, needed to be liberated from the false idea of Martian aggressiveness, just as women needed to escape to bonds of menses-envy. Radical feminists would add that the oppression of the nonmenstrual was the pattern for all oppressions. ("Vampires were our first freedom fighters!") Cultural feminists would develop a bloodless imagery in art and literature. Socialist feminists would insist that only under capitalism would men be able to monopolize menstrual blood ...

In fact, if men could menstruate, the power justifications could probably go on forever.

If we let them.

Monday, October 11, 2004

I ain't no fortunate one. I realize I'm starting to sound redundant, but I think our current administration is redundant. Redundtantly retarded.


Thursday, September 30, 2004

Girl I'm gonna make you sweat. I saw an ad on the T today for this teen-geared website that's basically meant to traumatize teens into abstaining from sex. I realize I'm not a parent, but it seems to me that a healthier, more-productive use of our time and energy would be to teach our children that their sexuality is beautiful, that their bodies are sensistive, and that a healthy relationship is one where both partners (regardless of their sex) are mutually supportive and understanding. Instead of scaring teens into abstinance and demonizing boys for fucking and leaving girls, we should talk to teens about how to safely and beneficially engage in a sexual relationship. I'm not saying we should encourage teens to have sex, but I think we need to accept that kids are going to do it, and as adults it is our job to guide them. Not scare them. Jeez.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends. Today's Peter Pan bus was named "Swarthy Ruffian." Sadly, it was not wearing an eye patch nor did it great me with a hearty "Yar."

However, this was the interaction I had with the bus driver after sprinting to the bus for fear it was leaving:
Me: "Hi, how are you?"
Him: "Lousy."
Me: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
Him: "Yeah. Married."

...Um, what?

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Got a rocket in your pocket and it's straight to the top. Okay, this is equal parts horrible and hysterical, so I'll let you be the judge:

Q: I know it is summer right now, and I should be feeling happier than ever, what with my senior year of high school to look forward to. But there is nothing for me and my girlfriend to do really. Our birthday was just a few days ago (Yeah, we have the same birthday, but I'm 18 and she's 17 now) and I think it might just be after-birthday-nothing-left-to-celebrate-till-christmas-blues. Anywho....any suggestions as to how we should waste our summer vacation? Or how to get out of this slump of depressing boredom?

A: may i suggest pre-marital sex? as an 18 year-old dude, i am sure you can get a bone 10 times a day, and fucking is novel enough that it won't get boring before school starts up again. fucking is pretty much free (aside from the cost of birth control/profos/etc, which is not that bad if you go to planned parenthood.) if it does get boring try ANAL SEX, or SWINGING. i promise you, it will be a summer to remember. this goes for all of you on the internet, too. before you go read the drudge report or whatever the fuck you guys look at, try fucking. it is way more awesome than not fucking. it is even more awesome than homestar runner (i am not lying.)

Who says you can't have it all. What is this, the frigging Thomas Crown Affair?

OSLO, Norway (CNN, Aug. 23) -- Armed robbers have stolen two classic paintings by Edvard Munch, including "The Scream," in a brazen daytime heist in Oslo.

The picture frames were later found in another part of the city with the pictures cut out. Authorities have found the getaway car and are using video footage of Sunday's robbery in an effort to track down the thieves, police said.

"They knew exactly where the paintings were and took them down from the wall," said Jorunn Christophersen, head of information for the Munch Museum.

The masked thieves also stole Munch's "Madonna," which shows a mysterious bare-breasted woman with flowing black hair.

The paintings -- which Munch painted as part of a series about love, fear and death -- are said to be worth millions of dollars.

"They are our most valuable paintings," Christophersen said.

"The Scream" is one of the most famous paintings in the world. Munch painted four versions, the first in 1893.

The best-known version was stolen from Oslo's National Art Museum 10 years ago. It was recovered three months later after thieves failed to extract a ransom for its return. [Gee, maybe they should have learned from that mistake, hmmm?]

Sunday's theft from took guards and patrons by surprise.

An eyewitness said one man dressed in black rushed towards the "Madonna" painting, "grabbed that off the wall and then started banging it against the wall and against the ground because the gray strings weren't breaking off for him."

"He then saw 'The Scream', ran towards that and grabbed that off the wall and then he started rushing out the front and we started rushing out the back."

"The Scream" was attached to the wall by wires, witnesses said, noting that no alarm bell could be heard when the painting was taken. They also said guards did not prevent the robbers from fleeing with the paintings.

At a news conference, government officials expressed outrage that the paintings were not more carefully protected.

But Christophersen said an alarm did go off after the paintings were pulled off the wall. She also said the paintings were "stuck to the wall with solid screws." The robbers "used force in taking the Munch (paintings) away," she said.

Christophersen also said the robbers threatened the guards with guns as they headed to their getaway car.

Munch lived from 1863 to 1944 and was a pioneer of modern expressionism.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

And all the stars were just like little fish.

Which Grunge Band Are You?

Yes, I am Hole! I am fucking awesome! Ah, the soundtrack to my high school angst... I can feel myself sucking on my old boyfriend's tongue and macking it in the bushes. *Sigh* I am doll parts.

Um, in case it wasn't clear, I hated high school. But I still love Hole.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Here are the rules of our play. Feeling lonely on those long summer nights? Pull up a chair and whip out The Stranger. It may not be as good as having sex yourself, but at least you'll be entertained.

Monday, August 09, 2004

We really can't be beat. In honor of my magentic lumberjack, without whom work is infinitely boring, I give you Metal.

And, in the Blog Hall of Shame:
E: Well, bon courage
I: Merci boku
E: Thank you juice box?

People love it when you lose; they love dirty laundry. Okay, everyone needs to go to The Daily Show Web site and check out Jon's interview with Wolf Blitzer. It is phenomenal. I have never loved Jon Stewart more for sticking it to that fucking Bush-loving, war-mongering fascist who spent Shock and Awe in Kuwait in his suede coat like the prick he is. Those of you who remember me every lunch sitting in the Stone TV room watching Blizter's daily report on CNN and cursing will understand my glee. Seriously people, it is a thing of beauty. Then check out Jon calling Republican Rep. Harry Bonilla on the fabulous Republican spin doctoring and cheer because at least there is some way the American people will get it.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Push it. Too bad I. didn't follow his gut because I actually think this is a great way to make it up to me. Everyone should take a cue from I. on how to best use AOL Instant Messanger to address past wrongs:

For a while, I was thinking, 'Next time [E.] signs on, I'm going to send her the following IM': "Dear [E.], I think you are a vixen, not a whore. Sincerely, [I]." Then I realized that was dumb.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

They call me Mister Wiggles. What I want for Christmukkah (and Adam Brody, of course). I like how they give you ideas for use, in case you are totally dense and have no clue why you'd need an absurdly small, extra-cushioned, ergonomic rocking chair. Hmmm.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Ain't that a kick in the head. From The New York Times yesterday:

Q. Why don't you make fun of any women? - John Roark, Oberlin, Ohio

A. Hey, give me some more female CEO's, generals and presidents, and I'll happily make fun of them! - Barbara Ehrenreich

Awesome. Rock it, Barb.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Carry that weight. Sometimes I just love The Onion, especially with this gem. Make sure to check out the pop-up blog for our nation's nuclear launch codes.

Plus, this little horoscope which just tickles me in all the right ways:

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.

Can I help it if I'm so lovable? Obviously not, according to my extra-special Wombat:
R: Can I just virtually smack you bottom? :-)
E: Sure, go for it. I thought you prefer to nibble on me, though
R: Nibble on you???
E: You always come up to me and bite me in various places
R: aaaah ......... i see :-)
E: Or you scratch me under my chin
R: well both!
E: okay, i'm ready for butt smackage
R: *smack*!!!!!!!! aaaaaa......grrrrrrrrrreat!
R: *nibble in you ear* hmm :-)

Je vous ai dit que les Aixoises étaient tellement foux!

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

I've always been a guy with a sweet tooth and that girl was just like a king-sized candy bar. C-biscuit just made my day.

E: How's it going?
C: Fine, you?
E: Boring
C: You're boring? Wow, I never would have said that myself...I tend to think you're a lot of fun

Awwww, so sweet. Made me all smiley.

Monday, August 02, 2004

I can smell the chemicals. I have to share the nonsensical conversation I just had with my blue buddy I. about our respective universities. Of course, mine came out on top. The way it should be.

E: Does your dorm have that thing where you can go online to see if the showers are free? I know some dorms do
I: is the ---- hall (where I used to live) bathroom server, but ----(where I live till the 15th) has nothing like it.
E: That's messed up. Y'all are pathetically lazy
I: Or awesomely nerdy
E I like mine better
I: Here at ---, we have to physically check to see if the good shower is available
E: You mean, you actually have to emerge from your dark, dank cells lit only by the flickering of your computer monitor? I feel you
I: Well, sometimes we have to pry our filth-encrusted pasty flesh from our decrepit furniture first, but yeah
E: Well it's a good thing y'all don't shower too often, then
I: The dorm just starts to smell funny if everyone showers more than once a month. some of the frosh freak out and start to think they're home, among normal people
E: Yeah. Normal people are strictly not allowed at ---. If they were, the slave driving administration wouldn't be able to use you all for slave labor in their labs and research groups. You guys might start remember good things like food and the touch of a woman...and sunlight. It'd be a catastrophe
I: This is why 10% of --- fratboys die of system shock when they set foot on W. soil. All the estrogen in the air, it overwhelms them, and they go into cardiac arrest with a priapism
E: Oh so that's the excuse? The estrogen? What-EVAH
I: The --- male constitution just can't handle it. You see, --- women emit no estrogen, as their ovaries are removed for safe keeping during their studies here.
E: That sounds like a somewhat eugenic argument
I: No, they get them thawed out and re-implanted after graduation, it's all good
E: Are you saying that W. women are somehow inferior to --- women because --- has a more strenuous academic instruction and will thus damage overaries while W. education is not intense and perfectly safe?
I: No, in fact I hear at W. they take a blood sample from all the first years, and use that to grow one extra genetically matched ovary for everyone in vats, which are then implanted by the Tower Court dance that fall. It's a much superior technology to just removing, freezing, and re-implanting ovaries
E: Is this a yearly process?
I: Well, it only happens with the first years, usually - 3 ovaries are enough for most Wendies.
E: So when one atrophes from all the education, the other kicks in?
I: See, the reason --- removes --- women's ovaries is not because of the rigorous academics, it's because the males are such troglodytes, and so warped by their time in lab, that they're practically teratogenic, and any offspring spawned by an --- man and an --- woman would be an abomination
E: An abomination?
I: Yeah, huge fangs, fish scales, insatiable bloodlust, that kind of thing. I think the extra W. ovary is to make it easier for a W. grad to balance a career and a family
E: Because men don't help? Maybe men should be implanted with an ovary, since we're following a biology-influences-sociability rift which I'm not at all comfortable with
I: The male conspiracy still forbids it, except in rare circumstances. As for ovaries in men, maybe you should draft a proposal. Eventually, you could develop the Ovarizer 2000, a sniper rifle that implants men with ovaries. They'd be all like "Ow? what the fuck was that? Why do I respect women all of the sudden?"
E: I like my men to be men and my women to be women, I just have a fluid definition of what that means. Ovaries really do not come into the equation. Mostly, I'm a big fan of dispensing bitch slaps. And if that fails, blow jobs. My theory is that most conservatives just need a good orgasm to chill the fuck out
I: So has the discussion shifted onto a serious consideration of gender roles, as opposed to hyperbole? I'll try to shift gears if I can.
E: Well I wasn't comfortable with the biology as a major component of gender argument, so I sort of wedged in a bit of theory, but mostly I think --- people are strange and pasty and have an alarming affection for numbers. And their frat boys are glorified simply because they have access to beer and know the chemical composition for date rape drugs.
I: As the t-shirt says, the "--- Men: the odds are good but the goods are odd"
E: In essence
I: Guess you'll have to go elsewhere for your men, then
E: um....
I: (or man, singular, whatever you're looking for)
E: um...
I: I mean, you don't really need good odds; you've got good looks. So unless you're deliberately looking for odd goods, why bother with ---?
E: um...

God is a number. Just another way that the Catholic Church continues to alienate members and show that they're misogynists, but not that misogynistic. It's like they're saying, "Well, we think that men are naturally better than women, because of biology and the way the Lord created them, and we think that gays are evil and anyone who in any way tries to counter anything we say is going to hell, but, really, we don't hate women. Honest." Seriously, guys. Find a new theme.

Vatican Letter Denounces 'Lethal Effects' of Feminism

By Daniel Williams and Alan Cooperman (From the Washington Post)

ROME, July 31 -- The Vatican issued a letter Saturday attacking the "distortions" and "lethal effects" of feminism, which it defined as an effort to erase differences between men and women -- a goal, the statement said, that undermines the "natural two-parent structure" of the family and makes "homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent."

The sharp critique was contained in a document issued by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, a chief adviser to Pope John Paul II and head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the department in charge of laying out Roman Catholic orthodoxy. The 37-page document also outlined the Vatican's own formula for relationships between men and women, calling for "active collaboration between the sexes" and rejecting subjugation of women.

The statement was the latest Vatican salvo against trends it regards as undermining its teachings on sexuality and the family. Vatican officials have assailed abortion and contraception; politicians who support abortion through legislation; and legalized same-sex unions. The pope approved the document issued Saturday, which is titled "Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Collaboration of Men and Women in the Church and the World."

Catholic feminists in the United States said the letter presented a caricature of feminism as antagonistic toward men and trying to deny any difference between the sexes. They said feminism seeks equal rights and respect for both genders.

"The demonization of feminism is most disturbing," said Frances Kissling, president of Catholics for a Free Choice, an advocacy group for abortion rights, who said her blood pressure "shot up 20 points" when she read the letter.

"It takes extreme positions that may have been historically held by five people and casts them as if they were held by every woman," Kissling said. "The feminism I know is all for partnerships and is all for empowering both men and women. The feminism I know does not ignore the fact that there are sexual differences."

Elisabeth Schussler Fiorenza, a feminist theologian at Harvard Divinity School, said the document restated positions the Vatican has taken many times and that the only surprise was its timing. She said church leaders may be feeling some urgency to combat same-sex marriage, as well as renewed pressure to consider ordaining women in response to the worldwide scandal over sexual abuse by priests.

"It has some positive things in it, but the political function of the document is the same as the ones before," Fiorenza said. "It's trying to make a theological case, which they're really not able to make, against the full equality of women in the church."

Archbishop Angelo Amato, secretary of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said Saturday on Vatican Radio that the aim of the letter was to critique two current strands in feminism: one that emphasizes "a radical rivalry between the sexes" and the other that seeks to "cancel the differences between the sexes."

The letter argued that "the obscuring of the difference . . . of the sexes has enormous consequences," including inspiring ideologies that "call into question the family, in its natural two-parent structure of mother and father, and make homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent, in a new model of polymorphous sexuality."

While assaulting what it said were the bases of feminist ideology, the letter tried to tackle the practical difficulties and inequities that feminists also decry. It appeared to attempt to strike a balance between a Catholic ideal of women raising children at home and the reality that many work outside the home.

Women ought not be stigmatized for desiring the life of a homemaker, the letter argued. "Indeed, a just valuing of the work of women within the family is required," it said. Women who choose to work in the labor force should be awarded a proper schedule and "not have to choose between relinquishing their family life or enduring continual stress," it said.

The Rev. Thomas Reese, editor of the national Catholic weekly America, said in an e-mail that "although most American feminists would express their ideology differently than the Vatican, on the practical level they are on the same page (in terms of equality in education, politics, workplace) except on abortion and women priests." If there are differences, he added, "it is probably on the relationship between men and women in the family, not in society. . . . For the Vatican, the ideal is that a father be paid well enough so that a mother can stay home and raise the kids."

The letter called for the Catholic Church to take advantage of "feminine values" that include listening, understanding, caring and faithfulness. Although women are banned from the priesthood, their role in the church is not "a passivity inspired by an outdated conception of femininity," the letter maintained.

Almost a third of the letter was devoted to biblical declarations about the sexes. "From the first moment of their creation, man and woman are different, and will remain so for eternity," it said. Tracing the story of Adam and Eve, it said original sin opened the way to relations between man and woman "in which love will frequently be debased into pure self-seeking, in a relationship which ignores and kills love and replaces it with the yoke of domination of one sex over the other."

In the afterlife, the letter stated, men and women will continue to be different, but sex will come to an end. "The temporal and earthly expression of sexuality is transient," it declared.

Cooperman reported from Washington.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I'm right where I always wanted to be. The magnetic lumberjack has informed me that my new catch phrase should be "Stand up and take notice, losers." I quote: "Not only do you all need to pay attention to what I'm saying, but you're all worse than I am." I laughed so hard that my stitches hurt. He has also advised me to tattoo "stand up and take notice, losers" across my stomach and "We're all going down the crapper one by one" across my back.

It's good to know that I have at least one bloggy fan. Bitch.

Take these ties and make them true. Is it wrong that I think it ironic that the NY Sun published this on their editorial page? I'm not saying it's inaccurate, I'm just saying it's...hypocritical.

On Freedom: "When people talk of the freedom of writing, speaking, or thinking, I cannot choose but laugh. No such thing ever existed. No such thing now exists; but I hope it will exist." John Adams (1735-1826)

Keep it goin' full speed. I realize that my blog is starting to be a bit redundant, but fuck it I'm redundantly pissed. So whenever I come across anyone who's saying what I've been saying but has had the foresight to share their views with the masses (extra points for humor), I have to share with my adoring public of....two people. Anywho, today's installment is courtesy of Tatsuya Ishida. But first, a little in your face humor.

More news:
· Slim Fast hires Dick Cheney as new spokesperson. "Go fuck yourself. Big time," reads new slogan.
· Weapons of mass destruction finally found in Iraq: Commercial airplanes.
· 9/11 Commission goes on book tour to promote its debut release. Critics pan the tome as a "failure of imagination."
· KFC chickens riot, capture Colonel Sanders and threaten to behead him unless all their brothers and sisters are liberated. Company officials blame the movie Chicken Run.
· Gay mafia leaves a decapitated head of a French poodle in George Bush's bed. Commander in chief vows to smoke out the anal-doers and rid the world of gayness.
· John Ashcroft makes surprise visit to Urban League, introduces himself as "J. Ash," performs hip hop version of his classic hit single "Let the motherfuckin' eagle soar."
· Terror color chart changed to black and white to better reflect administration policy.
· Latest conspiracy theory contends that a shadowy cabal known as the Bulliminati is covertly fattening up Americans with misleading nutrition information to usher in a Fat World Order.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

I am now a central part. This is frigging phenomenal. Just...just...swell. It combines my favorite "Men are dumb" rift with "Men are really really dumb" along with a side of "At least some of us know we're dumb and are, consequently, endearing."

I am nothing if not complicated.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

You keep your distance via the system of touch.


Keep turning me on with those French words I can't pronounce. Dudes, check out my horoscope courtesy of The Onion. I totally rule!

"Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand."

Wait, I don't even like George Sand. This blows.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Feels like I've been run over in traffic. Alright, seriously, there are too many things to hate our current administration for. Just too fucking many. I'm losing count here to the extent that my outrage is going to manifest itself into a separate being known as "Lage" that spits fire every time it reads the paper and walks up to elected officials and starts pulling off limbs and ripping off other vital organs. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr! All fear the Lage..... AAAAAHHHH!!! Run for your lives! We are conservative and evil and hell bent on undoing civil rights, freedom of speech, national security and even elections! She'll kill us aaaaaaaaallllllll!!!
But, because I can't do any of that (yet), I have the Daily Show. Take it away, Jonny.
In response to the failed (for now, keep an eye out, bitches) gay marriage amendment:
-Senator [Santorum], what will happen if gays are allowed to marry?
-A break-down of the family, children being born out of wedlock, and communities and cultures in decay.... I would argue the future of America hangs in the balance because the future of the American family hangs in the balance.
-So gay marriage will lead to children being born out of wedlock? How is sodomy that powerful? Let me ask you this. Does the union of penis and ass set off some kind of genital wonder-twin activation that emits some kind of community-decaying ray?
In response to Tom Ridge's dubious claims of an election day terrorist attack:
-So to sum afraid enough not to vote for John Kerry, but not so afraid as to not vote for President Bush.
In response to the army hiring more musicians for army funerals:
-So let me get this straight. The army, confronted with the fact that it doesn't have enough musicians to play at all the soldiers' funerals, looks at that problem and comes up with this solution: Hire more musicians. You know, I'm not a military man, but it seems to me that those guys might want to start thinking outside the coffin on this one. Maybe less dead people.
In response to the Iraqi "prime minister" signing a bill allowing his government to impose marshall law in case of an emergency:
-Great, we faught a war to bring Iraq deomcracy, and the first thing they're doing with it is declaring marhall law. This was really worth it.
Stand up and take notice, losers. We're all going down the crapper one by one. So you'd better stand the fuck up and do something about it. Now.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I want to be your illusion. I thought that Beni Benassi was the only appropriate title for this little entry, courtesy of the inimitable Dan Savage. In response to one mysogynist's desire for abnormally ginormous breasts, Monsieur Savage had this to say:

The sudden appearance of women with ridiculously huge boob implants was arousing in part because of its shock value. There was the shock of women with such exaggerated racks, of course, but there was also the more important—and, sadly, the infinitely more arousing—shock of women finding a novel new way to imperil their health in order to attract the attention of men. Men have always found it arousing when women go to bizarre extremes, including self-mutilation (bound feet) and self-torture (high heels), to make themselves more attractive, and enormoboobs were extreme in the extreme. That enormoboobs played into the deeply ingrained and thoroughly eroticized misogyny that plagues all human cultures to varying degrees was lost on most men. (Let's not be too relativist about this: I'm sure most women would prefer to live in a culture that allows women who want to have enormoboobs to go and get them over, say, a culture that compels all women to have their clits cut off.)

It always makes me happy when someone infinitely more influential than me has the balls to point this shit out.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about. There hasn't been enough artwork on my blog lately. I think this is so crude and so strange that it simply screams "Post me! I speak from your soul!"

Anyone know where I can get a steak-cookin' sex slave? My dry spell is running up quite a phone bill over here.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Somebody told me. Finally, someone says exactly what I've been thinking all about the current pop "alterna-rock" scene. It's beyond strange to be out of the country for six months and suddenly be plopped down into the current music scene which sometimes sounds likes an untalented nerd covering The Strokes on a delapidated casio keyboard. At least The A.V. Club sees it from my perspective:

Music in general—-and pop music in the accelerated media culture of the post-WWII world in particular—-is a synthetic art that involves refining and reviving bits of the past in the push toward the future. But what happens when the urge to imitate and build off the past that gives rise to The White Stripes or Jurassic 5 or Elvis Presley gets imitated itself?

Thanks, man.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Stop playin' keep movin'. So if you aren't familiar with The Stranger, you need to be. Now. They've recently added a very fun forum called "Lovelab" which features all sorts of goodies such as advice and interviews for those of us too preoccupied with sex for our own good. So I just read this gem from the "Knickers in a Twist" column about two women who've put out a woman-centric porn mag a la Playboy, only not crappy and stupid. One of the editors, Micole Taggart, gave this little piece of advice for all you straight men out there which I thought was actually quite simple and cogent: "Men are so different that general advice is not for everyone. But if you turn [on] a woman, she will always be coming back for more!" Awesome.

Also, this was fucking hysterical. It's rude, it's crude, and thus it belongs on my blog underneath the big nekked Man Ray photo.

"Lippy Imp: All right, let’s get right down to it. What makes for an attractive cock?

Robin Adams: A nice shape, size, color, attentiveness.

Micole Taggart: A clean, smooth cock with a lot of character in the hang. I like strong heads!"


To pass the time while I'm on night duty, I re-read some of my old posts from my time in France, and goodness have I changed. I feel a ton more together, more confident, and even (dare I say it) more mature. Well, score one for me, I say. I win at life again!

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

We're about ready to rock-steady. The roomie, even though she's across the sea, knows exactly what to say:

"Rock what makes you feel good. I've never said anything differently. If that's "flirt flirt flirt," then for fuck's sake, what the hell are you waiting for?! FLIRT, damn you, flirt like you've never flirted before!!!"

And it's on. Oh yes my friends. It's on.

Make them apologize. Check out this little gem from Newsweek about the "new" infidelity.

Why is it that when women do something men have been doing since the dawn of time, there has to be an entire edition of a prominent national magazine dedicated to it? They did the same thing when the number of women working out of the home increased. Pretty soon you're gonna have an entire issue of Time dedicated to "Exclusive: Number of women who poop on the rise. Could they be rivaling men in excrement-production?" They'll get a bunch of experts talking about how the increased education and financial power of modern American women allows them to shit with reckless abandon.

It's not just opportunity that fuels the impulse to be unfaithful; it's money and power as well. American women are better educated than they've ever been. A quarter of them earn more money than their husbands. A paycheck and a 401(k) don't guarantee that a woman will stray, but if she does, they minimize the fallout both for her and for her children. The feminist Gloria Steinem once said, "Most women are one man away from welfare," but she recently amplified her views to NEWSWEEK: "Being able to support oneself allows one to choose a marriage out of love and not just economic dependence. It also allows one to risk that marriage." In other words, as women grow more powerful, they're more likely to feel, as men traditionally have, that they deserve a little bit of nooky at the end (or in the middle) of a long, busy day.

Ew. Just....just ew.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Fashion. Turn to the left. Quote of the day, courtesy of L'Express. It seems that Christian Lacroix is designing a special edition of Petit Larousse for the centennial. This is the best answer to a dictionary-related question I've ever read. True, there's not much competition for that coveted title, but I still found it funny.

Quelle a été la lettre la plus difficile à illustrer?

Peut-être le Z, à cause du peu de termes illustrables. C'était un challenge.

It's not easy being green. Another friendly forward. And no, I never get tired of a good Republican lambasting.

It is tough to be a Republican in 2004, because somehow, you have to believe concurrently that:

1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our
highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3. Standing Tall for America means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.

4. A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind
without regulation.

5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
but then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies make huge profits by having nothing but
the interest of the public at heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

13. It is okay that the Bush family's Carlisle Group has done millions
of business with the Bin Laden family.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured
him he was our buddy, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a
good guy when Cheney did business with him, but then a bad guy again
when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the war

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an
unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation, in which thousands of
soldiers and civilians die, is, somehow, solid defense policy in the War
agains Terrorism.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which should include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's
library, and is none of our business.

18. What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital
national interest but what Bush did in the 80s is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

20. Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his
friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale
without studying much, to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National
Guard, to bail out your companies (Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers), to
get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme Court appoint
you President of the USA.

21. You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no
tomorrow, and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay,
while at the same time refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people
who do not need it.

Contemplating these illogical paradoxes can take a toll on a healthy
mind. So if a friend of yours has been acting a bit dazed and confused
lately, be nice: he or she may be a Republican.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Work it. "The Daily Show" is seriously the only reason I can still stand to be in this country. At least someone is fucking criticizing our government. Take this gem from Lewis Black vis a vis our "dearly departed" ex-prez Reagan:

Well, I guess if you think about it, Reagan really was an American Idol: He floated by on charm, he was a triumph of style over substance, and idiots across America kept voting for him.

Thank. You. For a while there, I thought I was taking crazy pills.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

There is no one compares with you. Loving is easy. Leaving is hard. Vous me manquez et je vous aime. Toujours.

From the wise Sibyl: No tears, little one, no tears

This is incongruous, but to lighten the mood, a little case of bad attitude.

Friday, June 11, 2004

This familiar feeling. A good reason to be excited to go home? Freaking amazing friends who are waiting for me. You bet, my lovelies.

L(V): What are you up to, [E.], the French translation for fantastic? You are young and having fun, and if people can't handle that then, well, they need to learn to flex a little in their rigid little repressed worlds.

Definitely at the top of my list of fantabulous.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Just wanna see me flying. I'm sitting in the bourgians' apartment shamelessly using them for their internet connection, when this song comes on VH1 Europe and I seriously thought I was gonna pass out, it was that good and that applicable.

The M of my roomie: You're not the first, I'm sure. There are probably lots of expatriated americans who share in your struggle to kick the VH1 Europe habit.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

There was life before you. Two drawings which I think pretty aptly summarize my current state of mind. The first I think is self-explanatory. The second is pretty messed up, but I am so cynical about relationships that it just digs right down to the heart of the matter. Bah.

Monday, May 24, 2004

You wanna have sex with no strings attached. I realize he said it to be mean, but I thought this was very funny:

"Yes...we know you have sex 7328 times a day because you combine supermodel looks with girl-next-door charm."

What can I say? I am just sex on legs. Um, right.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Sometimes ups outnumber the downs. This is a really good conversation I had with my Dad online, and I thought it was so funny and so sage that I have kept it for posterity. It'll also give you a nice little window into why I'm so nuts.

Me: oh, there was a scorpion in my apartment thursday night. that was a fun bit of excitement
Dad: what?
Me: yup, a scorpion
Dad: mosquitos, bees maybe. even a a mouse or a rat. a roach. not a scorpion.
Me: i know, it scared the shit out of me. i threw a phone book at it in the hopes of smooshing it. didn't work, just made it angry
Dad: is this usual? are they dangerous?
Me: yes they're common, and yup, the one in my apartment was poisonous
Dad: wow
Me: i hightailed it over to raoul's place and stayed there to 5 am i was so wound up
Dad: who be raoul. great name
Me: raoul is another of my luxembourg friends. he lives on the next street over
Dad: if i had a son i would name him raoul. sounds stupid huh?
Me: not as bad as Abdul
Dad: megan epstein
Me: makenzie
Me: brooklynn
Dad: brooklyn is a place not a name
Me: yeah well that's what all the extra n's are for. gives it a disticntion. my kid is gonna be named Bronx. has character i think
Dad: distinctively insipid

Dad: [you know who] is one of life's experiences. now a scorpion. that is a different matter. and having a friend named raoul. that is exceptional. i wish i had a pet scorpion named raoul.
Me: if you're not careful, i'll buy you one
Dad: please
Me: um. no. I do not get along with scorpions
Dad: maybe you can find the one you tossed in the street and bring it home
Me: he is persona non grata as far as i am concerned

Dad: the scorpion and the turtle was the fable
Me: never heard that before
Dad: it is a good one. a scorpion was standing on a river bank when a turtle swam by. the scoprion said, "Turtle please give me a ride across on your back." The turtle said, "No you will bite me." The scorpion said, "i promise not to bite you." so the turtle said ok and the scorpion climbed on the turtles back and they started across the river. when they got half way across the scorpion reared back and bit the turtle. as they both sank and started to drown the turtle said, "why did you do that? i trusted you and now we both are going to die." and the scorpion said, "i am a scorpion. what did you expect from me?"
Me: so moral of the story: don't trust a scorpion?
Dad: not really, but i think of the fable whenever someone says, "gee i thought this time they/he/she would be different." this is what scorpions do so don't be surprised when they do it. now if you were to get back with [choose an asshole] or [choose an asshole] etc. then i would say, "he is a scorpion so you know what to expect."
Me: well yes. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...
Dad: correct. and if you had observed [you know who's] behavior to someone else and then you went out with him figuring he would treat you differently well....
Me: right, but i didn't know.
Dad: moreover he appeared in disguise
Me: exactly!
Dad: and for whatever reasons you did not pick up on it.

Dad: what i find disturbing is that you did not trust your instincts.
Me: that's what i find disturbing, too
Dad: someone is not treating you right, you don't think maybe something is wrong with me.
you think this is not good for me. the opinion of others is not relevant. only your opinion counts. and you must learn to judge and trust your self.

Dad: maybe you will know what a scorpion looks like. you think you know because you saw stuff happen to your friends and such but there is nothing like firsthand experience. got to live life. they say i practise law. get it? practise. you never really get it right.
Me: i understand
Dad: so i can keep saying stuff like chalk it up to experience, etc. but like baseball it is a long season and there are many games to play and it is only May. write it on a piece of papaer. put the paper in an envelope. put the envelope in a drawer to be taken out in the future when you have time to look at it. as cassius clay said, "i can't wait because i get prettier every day."

Me: i was thinking of going to the Therms Sextius to relax. i'm too wound up
Dad: i think they have different treatmeant at the old thermius.
Me: whaaaaa? that didn't even make sense
Dad: you know, different prices depending on how much thermius you order.
Me: oh man. so if i want a small thermius with like cartoon characters on it, it's different than the stainless steel one?
Dad: what happenedd to the thermius onius through fivius?
Me: who are you, zero mostel?
Dad: oh good one. didn't even think of that. thermius zeroius
Me: did a funny thing happen on the way to the thermius?
Dad: another good one. been talking to the old man for far to longius
Me: i like how you're picking apart the thermius part and not the sextius opart
Dad: keep it cleanius
Me: you're either very mature or you need to hang out with bob dole. i am mean
Dad: if i were married to liddy i would need more than viagra
Me: um. yeah *shudder*
Dad: indeed.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Shake your stuff ladies. "First rule of TV journalism: Fact checking is for pussies! Kronkite taught me that." Oh Ed Helms, you crazy mofo, you.

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

All that's bullshit baby. L(V) has hit me over the head with out my own advice. I will put it up for posterity's sake (and so that I don't forget it, me being the dumbass that I am):

In a perfect world, really hot guys who are good in bed would also be mature and sensible and chill and wouldn't freak out the minute something unperfect happened. Obviously we do not live in a perfect world.

Yes, I am so you all knew already (I'm also very modest).

Her response, which I think is one of the best descriptions of the event, especially considering she wasn't even in the same frigging time zone when all of this went down, is also quite hysterical:

That's got to be one of the most succinct summaries EVER. Unfortunately, most guys are tools. And the funny thing is my dear, you are totally the alpha male here, and are like "Yeah, let's just have fun and chill and get to know each other and see where this goes, you know, just let it flow," and the guy, who is being a butthead, is like "AHHHhhhhh I CAN'T COMMIT THIS IS TOO INTENSE" and you're like "woah chill man it's been like a week, mofo."

Props to you, babe. Props. To. You.

Least you think that I am crying all over Aix, I am pretty over it by now. The only thing that still bothers me is the inequity of the situation, that he got to just walk away and I got to itch and burn and have insomnia from the antibiotic to prevent UTI. I feel like a walking Women's Studies seminar. Fuck, you know?

In other news, I make out with guys from Luxembourg. Yeah, I'm that girl.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Save your line about needing to be free. Alright, reason number 185865436453 that I adore Dan Savage, and I think this point is so important and speaks so well to so much of the total bullshit that has gone on in my life and the lives of so many of my friends that it must be in bold face:

"A man's fear of commitment is boring, boring, boring; it's not the interesting existential dilemma so many of you straight guys seem to think it is."

California, here we come. I didn't notice this similarity before, but man oh man it's just frapping me in the visage. And yeah, I'm just a weeee bit obsessed with The O.C. You all still love me, right?

Friday, March 26, 2004

Wanting contact. Sounds like my kind of holiday:

"You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!"

In passing, do I ever talk about anything else besides sex on this thing? Man, do I have a one tract mind. I need to get a pet or something.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Go now, go. Why "My So-Called Life" is always right, shameless snipped from TWoP:

In the bathroom, Rayanne gently shoves Angela into a stall and says, "You want to have sex with him." Angela demurs, "Who?" "'Who?'" repeats Rayanne, "Jordan! Catalano? Come on, I'm not going to tell anyone, just admit it." Angela leans in and admits, "I just like how he's always leaning. Against stuff. He leans great. Either sex or a conversation -- ideally both." That really is ideal -- she's right.

Amen, sister... and Jared Leto to boot. Such taste!

Friday, March 12, 2004

I am the spark. Sunday I went to see Air in Marseille which was simply amazing, and tomorrow I am going skiing in the Alps. But first, tonight I am going to a big 21st birthday blowout where I will be introduced to beautiful French men. Yeah, you all totally wish you were me.

I promise not to adopt this as my new world view, but it is surprisingly fitting:

I should probably refrain from putting other people's humor in my blog, but really I just can't help it. Is it that I'm not interesting? Not at all. I'm just lazy. This is France, damnit. We're socialists; we don't have to work if we don't want to.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Another wasted night. In response to all you "metrosexuals," this is all I have to say:

And besides, all you hipsters have nothing on the French. Wait until you all start wearing your parachute pants tucked into your boxing-style hightops. Then you'll really be hardcore.

Thank you for summing it up, toothpaste.

Turning Japanese. Well it's true, I am, in a sense, although I have a sneaking suspicion that song is racist. But I digress. I think this sums up our election options quite nicely.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Can you tell me how to get. So, yeah, horrible horrible taste, but oh so funny.

Check out more here.

Friday, February 06, 2004

Pinch me, and then just touch me. Had to start it out with a little B.B. considering that it's the only techno I regularly get to hear. I am going through so many different types of withdrawls it's just not even funny anymore. Makes me wanna spend my day cursing just to feel that acidy-tingling sensation you get from doing something illicit and impolite. Or take up heavy drinking. Or go dancing just so that people will grope me... okay, maybe not that last one.

I have a bitchin' pad, and you all have to come visit so that I can go "nah nah nah" in your general direction because I live in a sexy loft, and you do not. Of course, I will not get to use said sexy loft for any sexy purposes, so really what's the point? And now we're back to where we started.

Classes have started, and the stress of it all is... quite different from Swells stress. No homework, but trying to pay attention is kinda exhausting after awhile. Been watching a lot of French TV, and I officially hate dubbing. Can't they frigging produce their own shows? Bah.

Fuck this, I'm getting a crepe. If I can't have sex, at least I can have chocolate.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

You just call out my name. Just remember, until I return...

And forget your sorrows with a little Brit mystery.