Wednesday, June 30, 2004

It's not easy being green. Another friendly forward. And no, I never get tired of a good Republican lambasting.

It is tough to be a Republican in 2004, because somehow, you have to believe concurrently that:

1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our
highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3. Standing Tall for America means firing your workers and moving their
jobs to India.

4. A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind
without regulation.

5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
but then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies make huge profits by having nothing but
the interest of the public at heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

13. It is okay that the Bush family's Carlisle Group has done millions
of business with the Bin Laden family.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured
him he was our buddy, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a
good guy when Cheney did business with him, but then a bad guy again
when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the war

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an
unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation, in which thousands of
soldiers and civilians die, is, somehow, solid defense policy in the War
agains Terrorism.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which should include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's
library, and is none of our business.

18. What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital
national interest but what Bush did in the 80s is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

20. Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his
friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale
without studying much, to dodge the draft in the Texas Air National
Guard, to bail out your companies (Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers), to
get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the Supreme Court appoint
you President of the USA.

21. You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no
tomorrow, and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay,
while at the same time refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people
who do not need it.

Contemplating these illogical paradoxes can take a toll on a healthy
mind. So if a friend of yours has been acting a bit dazed and confused
lately, be nice: he or she may be a Republican.

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