In my Barbie world. Ugh, I think part of me just died after reading this. Read up to the third paragraph on the first page, and you'll see why.

Have we as a society learned nothing from JonBenet Ramsey? Let your children be children, you freaks!

The number one must have is that we are safe. I can't believe how messed up this is, but I am actually creating my first (and hopefully last) Rape Round-up. Apparently the gods of female exploitation have been working overtime for the Holidays as I have read three high-profile news items on egregious incidents of sexual assault today alone. Awesome, men of the world. Way to go.

• First, I'm happy to give you another reason to hate Halliburton, the Iraq occupation, and the U.S. government in general. A young Texan woman went over to Iraq to work for Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown & Root, only to be drugged, gang raped, severely beaten, then locked for 24 hours in a shipping container so that she would be unable to seek medical care or contact the authorities. She managed to wrangle a cell phone away from one of the men guarding the container and called her father in Texas, who contacted his local Congressman, who contacted the State Department, and finally she was freed. Conveniently, the rape kit performed by Army medical personnel has disappeared. Over two years after the attack, the Justice Department has still not pressed charges in the case because all government contractors working in the Green Zone--and paid by your tax dollars, don't forget--are effectively beyond the reach of U.S. Law. If this doesn't make you furious, you have no soul.



• Next up, we have the billionaire playboy who enjoys travel, casual wear, and massages performed by underage girls. Basically, Jeffrey Epstein paid hundreds of underage girls from the "wrong side of the tracks" in West Palm Beach to massage him naked while he molested them with sex toys or simply had sex with them. Neither Epstein nor the U.S. attorney can figure out how these actions are criminal.



• Least you think that this sort of disgusting behavior and willful ignorance is an American problem, our Aussie friends don't seem to get it either. In the case of a 10 year-old Aboriginal girl who was gang raped, none of the nine rapists were given a single day of jail time because the judge found that the girl "probably agreed" to have sex. Apparently the judge--a female judge, no less--has never heard of statutory rape because, the last time I checked, 10 year-olds are not capable of making informed decisions when it comes to sexual intercourse. Not to mention that the victim is developmentally disabled, having been born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Jesus.

Who else needs a drink?

She walked like a woman and talked like a man. I don't know about you, but I really enjoy judging people based on stereotypes. I especially enjoy it when I get to divide the entire world into two categories--man and woman--and rejoice in 10 super-special characteristics that divide us. So while women are well-groomed and make you excuse yourself after you burp, men kill spiders and have old college t-shirts. Because women don't go to college. Yay!

I, for one, am really glad that my boyfriend keeps me up to date with all the latest gadgets (he doesn't) and that he made the first move (he didn't). In turn, I know he's so happy to have me in his life because, aside from my constant PMS-y mood swings, I keep his social life hopping (from 8,000 miles away, no less. Apparently I am also magical) and one day I will bear him many tiny babies.

See, isn't it fun to compress people's unique qualities to 10 tiny little points of specialness? Stereotypes for everyone!

I will keep you warm and safe. On top of shoes and bottles of water being serious threats to airport security, now it seems that bras are just as dangerous. I have to agree with the headline that, if lingerie is a threat to national security, we're in big trouble.

I'd like to point out that Israel does not have these bogus airline security protocols because Israel has real airport security.

Culture is what we make it. The ignorance upon which our country's laws currently rest has reared its ugly head once again, this time in the state of Washington. I have heard it said many times that pharmacists should not be forced to dispense medication to which they are ethically opposed. To this I say, tough tushy. As the previously-cited blog post adeptly points out, Plan B does not cause abortion but, rather, prevents conception from occurring in the first place. So, really, if you are morally opposed to abortion, you should probably be a fan of Plan B considering that it prevents the need for an abortion altogether. If you're going to disguise your hubris as morality, you might want to do your homework first.

This debate has been going on for years, with pharmacists insisting that their right to impose their moral values on the rest of us trumps doctor-patient privilege. The fact of the matter is, you holier-than-thou pharmacists, you do not know the reason a doctor has prescribed birth control, nor do you know the reason a woman seeks Plan B. May I remind you that birth control is currently prescribed for everything from acne to Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome? And may I remind you that such things as rape and incest might cause a woman to seek an alternative to pregnancy? My point is simply that it is not a pharmacist's place to judge a client; it is their job to check for harmful drug interactions and dispense medication accordingly.

I am all for freedom of religion. Pharmacists can picket abortion clinics and pray for our heathen souls all they want. But they should not have the right to lord their religious values over the rest of us.

A heart of stone, a smoking gun. Today in HEINOUS American Pop Culture, Halloween Edition:

Completely inappropriate and demeaning costumes! In the grand American tradition of girls dressing like hookers on Halloween (in some cases, literally), I bring you the latest, greatest, and most heinous ideas yet: Sexy Mental Patient! Oh yeah. Because nothing says "hot" like "involuntary commitment."

If you thought that was bad, you're in for a real treat. Straitjacketed Ella Mental doesn't stand a chance when faced with the super-sexy Anna Rexia. Even I got a little turned on by this one. The thought of yellow or blotchy skin, body hair, tooth decay, early-onset osteoperosis, seizures, and chronic diarreha really gets me in the mood. The tape measure is a nice touch, don't you think?

Unfortunately, this HEINOUS phenomenon is spreading to children's costumes. Major Flirt? No! No, no, no. No.

Paint myself all red white blue. I'm adding a new category because some sections of pop culture are just too ridiculous and sad to be anything else but HEINOUS!

Today in HEINOUS American Pop Culture:

Let's condemn women for trying to protect themselves! It's not like women in their sixties get mugged or anything. And only hot, young women get raped because rape is actually a compliment, right? Wrong!