Thursday, July 28, 2005

When the band played Hail to the Chief. I am underutilized here at work, but I thankfully have Craig's List to keep me company.

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

Yeah, Spitzer! Pataki isn't running for a fourth term. His reign or retardation is over! I believe this calls for a fist pump. *Pumps fist in air*

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

I'd just like to interject that Harvard and Yale are Ivy League schools. Us Blue Staters are cocky but not necessarily bright. But hey, Women's Colleges aren't usually considered a boon. Seven Sister Pride!

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Yeah, but they get Yellowstone and the Grand Canyon. Bastards.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

I watch the pole dance of the stars. I wonder if prehistoric man had more "liberal" notions about human sexuality than we do. I mean, if your main worries in life are fending off starvation, hiding from predators, and trying not to freeze to death, sexual morality is probably not a big concern. I also wonder if these scientists are on to something or if they just have a dirty mind.

Also, a 30,000 year-old bird carved out of mammoth ivory? Holy shit!

Try to set the night on fire. An Algerian man, Ressam, was sentenced to 22 years in prison for plotting to bomb the Los Angeles International Airport during the 2000 millennium celebration. Seattle Federal District Court Judge John C. Coughenour gave Bush and the entire Conservative/Republican/Nazi party platform the finger here, don't you think?

I would like to convey the message that our system works. We did not need to use a secret military tribunal, or detain the defendant indefinitely as an enemy combatant, or deny him the right to counsel, or invoke any proceedings beyond those guaranteed by or contrary to the United States Constitution. I would suggest that the message to the world from today's sentencing is that our courts have not abandoned our commitment to the ideals that set our nation apart. We can deal with the threats to our national security without denying the accused fundamental constitutional protections. Despite the fact that Mr. Ressam is not an American citizen and despite the fact that he entered this country intent upon killing American citizens, he received an effective, vigorous defense, and the opportunity to have his guilt or innocence determined by a jury of 12 ordinary citizens. Most importantly, all of this occurred in the sunlight of a public trial. There were no secret proceedings, no indefinite detention, no denial of counsel. The tragedy of September 11th shook our sense of security and made us realize that we, too, are vulnerable to acts of terrorism. Unfortunately, some believe that this threat renders our Constitution obsolete. This is a Constitution for which men and women have died and continue to die and which has made us a model among nations. If that view is allowed to prevail, the terrorists will have won. It is my sworn duty, and as long as there is breath in my body I'll perform it, to support and defend the Constitution of the United States. We will be in recess.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Victims of the same disease. Switch the sexes on this baby, and it could describe my luck with the mens. What did Figgie say? I attract losers like moths to the flame?

I have the most supportive friends.

Nothing but blue skies do I see. The Smurfs are Belgian. How about that.

Everyone's favorite little blue cartoon characters, the Smurfs, are coming to the big-screen. Variety reports that Nickelodeon Movies and Paramount Pictures will produce a 3-D CGI feature based on the classic Belgian comic-strip that spawned a popular NBC animated TV series in 1981. Producers hope to bring back Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Brainy, Jokey and Grouchy in time for the characters' 50th Anniversary in 2008. The film is also being conceived as the first in a trilogy of "Smurf" movies. Let's hope there isn't some "Dark Smurf" storyline worked in there.

I don't know about you, but the idea 3D CGI Smurfs give me the willies.

Friday, July 22, 2005

It varies from season to season. I'm at work, and I'm bored. I saw this on Gabbro's LJ and I thought it was funny, so I decided to do one myself. The idea is that you type the answer to the question into a Google image search and post the first photo that comes up. Enjoy!

Where were you born?

This is a picture of the South Bronx. According to Google, I was born in the projects. That should up my street cred, huh?

Where did you grow up?

The answer was "With my mother." HAHAHAHA!

Where do you live now?

Why did this come up for "with my father?"

What is your name?


What is your favorite food?

What is your favorite drink?

What is your favorite band?



What is your favorite scent?

What are your favorite shoes?

Where did you go to high school?

Where do you go to school now?

What is the prettiest place you've ever seen?

Thursday, July 21, 2005

I'm praying for rain; I'm praying for tidal waves. Tricunda has the strangest writing style ever, but once you can decipher what she's saying, she doles out some pretty good food for thought.

Remember that no matter how good we are, nobody owes us solid-gold relationships or even a decent person to throw a hump at. There are zero guarantees or promises. Whether that's nature making us feel dumb, karma for taking a nice person for granted, whatever, the only fuck-over faith we can hold onto is that it ultimately will build us into the positive people we hope to attract through learning what bitch feels like.

With relation to Matty G.'s harsh tokery and getting his heart smoked by some broad over e-mail, his hell-feelers were heightened. As always when this happens, life lets out an aftershock ha-ha and calls the pit crew of stupid/annoying as shit people to whatever hole you’re trying to recover in. Like Mickey Mouse's sorcerer's apprentice brooms set to quimby* your fuckin soul.

I think it's totally admirable, Admiral, that you steered the Farter Charter to Pattern Island and took a telescope to who you’ve been doing the last nine years. Before you cut your ear off, paint this down on a canvas, hand it to the loudest person you know, and aim his or her mouth to the side of your head: THIS HAPPENS TO ALL OF US.

(*As a footnote, I was just told that someone who cups and smells his own farts is called a "quimby." Discuss.)

Also, I commend L(Y) for her supreme snazzieness:

Me: Love is never conventient
Her: ...yet

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Crown thy good with Sisterhood. For all these reasons, I can be proud to be an American, courtesy of Humpy:

Blessing #1: We're not French!
Blessing #2: American girls dig hot tubs!
Blessing #3: Beer is cheap and plentiful!
Blessing #4: We have a "free press" that mercilessly harasses celebrities like Tom Cruise and Britney Spears on a daily basis!
Blessing #5: Porn is cheap and plentiful!
Blessing #6: Jessica Alba!
Blessing #7: Though the justice system doesn't really work, it does work if you're Michael Jackson!
Blessing #8: Very dangerous fireworks!
Blessing #9: Freedom of religion and the freedom to laugh at other stupid religions, like Scientology!