Friday, April 29, 2005

Now you've chosen weakness.

"Qui vit sans folie n'est pas si sage qu'il croit." -La Rochefoucauld

I am not undone.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Get back motherfucker you don't know me like that. Only for Luda would you get me screaming "Ho... you'se a ho." Hell, only for Luda would you get a frigging women's college screaming that, and pointing at their friends while they did it.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Time why do you punish me? Wasting time is awesome:

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

30% Yankee

15% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

Yes, this was shamelessly stolen from Gwax. I am a biter, and I don't care.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

And everyone will want to be like me. Another gem from Craig's List. Oh to have the balls to write this. What a catharsis!

I was the worst girlfriend EVER...

An open letter to the guy who dumped me last January.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I should grovel at your feet. I was delusional to think that I was ever good enough for you. I've thought a lot about it, and the light of your wisdom has begun to flicker through my dim brain. Allow me to list the ways in which I screwed things up:

1) It was very silly of me to think that you liked me just because you insisted on spending all of your spare time with me for 5 months. I mean, sleeping next to me 4 nights a week could mean anything.

2) I feel ridiculous for interpreting your words - "I love you" - as meaning that you loved me. Boy, is my face red! I now realize you meant, "I love putting my penis in your vagina after you pay for dinner and drive all of my friends home."

3) I definitely should not have encouraged you in your urge to put Mr. Winky everywhere he would fit (and, let's face it, a few places he almost didn't!). Every guy hates girls who like sex. Girls who like sex are bad.

4) I'm humiliated that I allowed myself to think we were "serious" after you drove me 14 hours each way to meet your mother. I'm sure you do that with all the girls.

5) I'm sorry that I didn't make a fuss on those occasions when you left skidmarks on my fresh, white bedlinens. I didn't want to embarrass you, so I pretended not to notice. I should have called attention to the fact that you can't be bothered to wipe your own ass. A nice girl would have told your friends.

6) When I got accepted to several ivy league law schools, I only proved your best friend's theory that I am "beautiful but stupid." I'm sorry that I insisted that you ask him to apologize. Girls with dignity are such a drag.

7) One of the reasons that you gave for dumping me is that my apartment is clean. It kills me to know that I would have won your heart if only I had cultivated a swarm of fruit flies in my kitchen to rival yours. I can see why you like them - their genome has been fully sequenced!

8) You probably don't know about this yet, but I got drunk with your sister last week and told her about the time you tried on my panties. Whoops!

So when we sat on your futon making out on January 20th, I can see why you paused to say, "It's been fun dating you, but..." I'm sorry that I screwed up so badly. Now I just have to live with the difficult knowledge that some other lucky girl will get to drive you around and bleach your shit stains out of her sheets.


Fashion, turn to the left. So it seems that today is "Love Your Body" day here at Swells, and the spam and posters for it are making me really happy. They're all very witty and fun. One of them has these great before and after photos of Kiera Knightly touched up on the "King Arthur" photo so that her stomach is flatter and her breasts are bigger. Another has this list of things you could buy with the money you spent on, say, a year's supply of SlimFast (Plane tickets to Europe. Score!) Also, they're giving away fruit smoothies at 7 p.m. Fuck it, I'll love my body for a free smoothie. Bring it on!

Actually, I've been working on the self-love thing more lately (no jokes, please). I wake up in the morning, stretch, and check myself out in the mirror. I am one fine piece of lady. Meow!

Take it away, Kate Winslet:

"The re-touching is excessive. I do not look like that and, more importantly, I don't desire to look like that. It's a little distressing this is magazine policy -- all magazines. ... I'm very aware, because I did it myself, that young women look at publications like that and see a woman looking beautiful, looking sexy and in their mind looking perfect. Therefore these women strive to look like this idea of perfection. But it isn't real. People's legs are simply not that smooth. Everyone has a lump somewhere or they have knobbly knees. I can tell you that they've reduced the size of my legs by about a third....

What is sexy? All I know from the men I've ever spoken to is that they like girls to have an arse on them, so why is it that women think in order to be adored they have to be thin? I just don't understand that way of thinking. I'm certainly not a sex symbol who doesn't eat."

Sunday, April 10, 2005

So strong. Food for thought?

"Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want."
-BtVS, "Phases"

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Dun dun. Everyone should watch "Law and Order" May 18. The district attorney is named after my dad. So cool.

Monday, April 04, 2005

The wisdom of a fool won't set you free. So I woke up after a two hour nap to see that the sun was still out at 7 p.m. I thought to myself, "Wow, it must really be spring." Then I remembered daylight savings, so it was only 6 p.m. two days ago.

The universe cheats.