Wednesday, April 13, 2005

And everyone will want to be like me. Another gem from Craig's List. Oh to have the balls to write this. What a catharsis!

I was the worst girlfriend EVER...

An open letter to the guy who dumped me last January.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I should grovel at your feet. I was delusional to think that I was ever good enough for you. I've thought a lot about it, and the light of your wisdom has begun to flicker through my dim brain. Allow me to list the ways in which I screwed things up:

1) It was very silly of me to think that you liked me just because you insisted on spending all of your spare time with me for 5 months. I mean, sleeping next to me 4 nights a week could mean anything.

2) I feel ridiculous for interpreting your words - "I love you" - as meaning that you loved me. Boy, is my face red! I now realize you meant, "I love putting my penis in your vagina after you pay for dinner and drive all of my friends home."

3) I definitely should not have encouraged you in your urge to put Mr. Winky everywhere he would fit (and, let's face it, a few places he almost didn't!). Every guy hates girls who like sex. Girls who like sex are bad.

4) I'm humiliated that I allowed myself to think we were "serious" after you drove me 14 hours each way to meet your mother. I'm sure you do that with all the girls.

5) I'm sorry that I didn't make a fuss on those occasions when you left skidmarks on my fresh, white bedlinens. I didn't want to embarrass you, so I pretended not to notice. I should have called attention to the fact that you can't be bothered to wipe your own ass. A nice girl would have told your friends.

6) When I got accepted to several ivy league law schools, I only proved your best friend's theory that I am "beautiful but stupid." I'm sorry that I insisted that you ask him to apologize. Girls with dignity are such a drag.

7) One of the reasons that you gave for dumping me is that my apartment is clean. It kills me to know that I would have won your heart if only I had cultivated a swarm of fruit flies in my kitchen to rival yours. I can see why you like them - their genome has been fully sequenced!

8) You probably don't know about this yet, but I got drunk with your sister last week and told her about the time you tried on my panties. Whoops!

So when we sat on your futon making out on January 20th, I can see why you paused to say, "It's been fun dating you, but..." I'm sorry that I screwed up so badly. Now I just have to live with the difficult knowledge that some other lucky girl will get to drive you around and bleach your shit stains out of her sheets.


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