Keep turning me on with those French words I can't pronounce. Dudes, check out my horoscope courtesy of The Onion. I totally rule!

"Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Scholars have decided that you probably don't exist at all, and are just a composite character based on several minor figures from the writings of George Sand."

Wait, I don't even like George Sand. This blows.