Sunday, July 18, 2004

Feels like I've been run over in traffic. Alright, seriously, there are too many things to hate our current administration for. Just too fucking many. I'm losing count here to the extent that my outrage is going to manifest itself into a separate being known as "Lage" that spits fire every time it reads the paper and walks up to elected officials and starts pulling off limbs and ripping off other vital organs. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr! All fear the Lage..... AAAAAHHHH!!! Run for your lives! We are conservative and evil and hell bent on undoing civil rights, freedom of speech, national security and even elections! She'll kill us aaaaaaaaallllllll!!!
But, because I can't do any of that (yet), I have the Daily Show. Take it away, Jonny.
In response to the failed (for now, keep an eye out, bitches) gay marriage amendment:
-Senator [Santorum], what will happen if gays are allowed to marry?
-A break-down of the family, children being born out of wedlock, and communities and cultures in decay.... I would argue the future of America hangs in the balance because the future of the American family hangs in the balance.
-So gay marriage will lead to children being born out of wedlock? How is sodomy that powerful? Let me ask you this. Does the union of penis and ass set off some kind of genital wonder-twin activation that emits some kind of community-decaying ray?
In response to Tom Ridge's dubious claims of an election day terrorist attack:
-So to sum afraid enough not to vote for John Kerry, but not so afraid as to not vote for President Bush.
In response to the army hiring more musicians for army funerals:
-So let me get this straight. The army, confronted with the fact that it doesn't have enough musicians to play at all the soldiers' funerals, looks at that problem and comes up with this solution: Hire more musicians. You know, I'm not a military man, but it seems to me that those guys might want to start thinking outside the coffin on this one. Maybe less dead people.
In response to the Iraqi "prime minister" signing a bill allowing his government to impose marshall law in case of an emergency:
-Great, we faught a war to bring Iraq deomcracy, and the first thing they're doing with it is declaring marhall law. This was really worth it.
Stand up and take notice, losers. We're all going down the crapper one by one. So you'd better stand the fuck up and do something about it. Now.

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