Monday, August 02, 2004

I can smell the chemicals. I have to share the nonsensical conversation I just had with my blue buddy I. about our respective universities. Of course, mine came out on top. The way it should be.

E: Does your dorm have that thing where you can go online to see if the showers are free? I know some dorms do
I: is the ---- hall (where I used to live) bathroom server, but ----(where I live till the 15th) has nothing like it.
E: That's messed up. Y'all are pathetically lazy
I: Or awesomely nerdy
E I like mine better
I: Here at ---, we have to physically check to see if the good shower is available
E: You mean, you actually have to emerge from your dark, dank cells lit only by the flickering of your computer monitor? I feel you
I: Well, sometimes we have to pry our filth-encrusted pasty flesh from our decrepit furniture first, but yeah
E: Well it's a good thing y'all don't shower too often, then
I: The dorm just starts to smell funny if everyone showers more than once a month. some of the frosh freak out and start to think they're home, among normal people
E: Yeah. Normal people are strictly not allowed at ---. If they were, the slave driving administration wouldn't be able to use you all for slave labor in their labs and research groups. You guys might start remember good things like food and the touch of a woman...and sunlight. It'd be a catastrophe
I: This is why 10% of --- fratboys die of system shock when they set foot on W. soil. All the estrogen in the air, it overwhelms them, and they go into cardiac arrest with a priapism
E: Oh so that's the excuse? The estrogen? What-EVAH
I: The --- male constitution just can't handle it. You see, --- women emit no estrogen, as their ovaries are removed for safe keeping during their studies here.
E: That sounds like a somewhat eugenic argument
I: No, they get them thawed out and re-implanted after graduation, it's all good
E: Are you saying that W. women are somehow inferior to --- women because --- has a more strenuous academic instruction and will thus damage overaries while W. education is not intense and perfectly safe?
I: No, in fact I hear at W. they take a blood sample from all the first years, and use that to grow one extra genetically matched ovary for everyone in vats, which are then implanted by the Tower Court dance that fall. It's a much superior technology to just removing, freezing, and re-implanting ovaries
E: Is this a yearly process?
I: Well, it only happens with the first years, usually - 3 ovaries are enough for most Wendies.
E: So when one atrophes from all the education, the other kicks in?
I: See, the reason --- removes --- women's ovaries is not because of the rigorous academics, it's because the males are such troglodytes, and so warped by their time in lab, that they're practically teratogenic, and any offspring spawned by an --- man and an --- woman would be an abomination
E: An abomination?
I: Yeah, huge fangs, fish scales, insatiable bloodlust, that kind of thing. I think the extra W. ovary is to make it easier for a W. grad to balance a career and a family
E: Because men don't help? Maybe men should be implanted with an ovary, since we're following a biology-influences-sociability rift which I'm not at all comfortable with
I: The male conspiracy still forbids it, except in rare circumstances. As for ovaries in men, maybe you should draft a proposal. Eventually, you could develop the Ovarizer 2000, a sniper rifle that implants men with ovaries. They'd be all like "Ow? what the fuck was that? Why do I respect women all of the sudden?"
E: I like my men to be men and my women to be women, I just have a fluid definition of what that means. Ovaries really do not come into the equation. Mostly, I'm a big fan of dispensing bitch slaps. And if that fails, blow jobs. My theory is that most conservatives just need a good orgasm to chill the fuck out
I: So has the discussion shifted onto a serious consideration of gender roles, as opposed to hyperbole? I'll try to shift gears if I can.
E: Well I wasn't comfortable with the biology as a major component of gender argument, so I sort of wedged in a bit of theory, but mostly I think --- people are strange and pasty and have an alarming affection for numbers. And their frat boys are glorified simply because they have access to beer and know the chemical composition for date rape drugs.
I: As the t-shirt says, the "--- Men: the odds are good but the goods are odd"
E: In essence
I: Guess you'll have to go elsewhere for your men, then
E: um....
I: (or man, singular, whatever you're looking for)
E: um...
I: I mean, you don't really need good odds; you've got good looks. So unless you're deliberately looking for odd goods, why bother with ---?
E: um...

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