It caught on in a flash. As many of you know, I LOVE Halloween. Historically, that is. This year, I did nothing to celebrate. Nothing! This is my first year without a pumpkin, no candy for the trick-or-treaters...I am the Scrooge of Halloween. Why? Because Halloween has lost all it's awesomeness. Case in point: I saw people driving their children trick-or-treating. That's right. People actually drove their children from house to house. Did these people miss the whole child obesity epidemic in this country? I mean, they're actually so fucking lazy that they're driving their children three feet at a time so that they can gorge themselves on concentrated doses of high-fructose corn syrup. This kind of behavior makes me insane.

So fuck you, lazy parents of my town with your fat, Type II Diabetes-children. Your children are doomed to have boring Halloween stories to go along with their boring, over-protected existences. Ha!

To prove my point, here are my two favorite Halloween memories from my childhood, a time when my mother made me costumes and I walked from house to house (Excerpted from T.W.N. Oct. 30, 2002):

My grandmother was born on Halloween, so, to celebrate her birthday, she used to accompany my mother and me when we went trick-or-treating. One year, when I was dressed as a princess in my grandmother's wedding dress and my own rubber galoshes (glass slippers were out of style that year), a woman approached us. She alerted my mother and grandmother that Jesus had instructed her to give me $20. She then handed my mother the bill and departed, leaving my mother and grandmother stunned and me confused (I didn't know who Jesus was at that time).

Flash forward to eigth grade, when I was past the acceptable age for trick-or-treating but still found it fun. My friend and I wandered the neighborhood, stopping at houses to pick up chocolate goodies along the way. We made a special detour to the house of my friend's crush, only to walk in on him and his friends watching porn.

Yes, that all actually happened. Beats your shiny, happy minivan, doesn't it, losers?