I killed a cockroach so big it left a puddle of puss on my wall. Today brought a reprise of the scorpion incident, except this time it involved the largest waterbug I have ever seen. This thing must have crawled here from Mexico, and it terrorized my office for a good half-hour. All attempts to kill it failed, and everyone was perched on their chairs in creeped-out anticipation. At the first possible opportunity, I threw an encyclopedia at it. That's right. I killed an insanely huge cockroach with a $250 encyclopedia. I feel justified in this because cockroaches are detrimental to women's health. I have since been told that I should be showered with flowers and candy, and that I am "ghetto." I take this as a compliment.

You won't scoff at my attempts to kill unwanted pests by squashing them with large objects anymore, will you Wombat? Victory!

I think it's here to stay. Holy shit.

According to visionary astrologer Elias Lonsdale, the age-old war between good and evil is over. His shocking conclusion: Evil lost. It will take a while for its malignant dominance to ebb away, and the transition time may bring apparent setbacks, but already the momentum has shifted. The forces of good are in ascendancy, and will steadily build a new order in the coming decades. Is Lonsdale's perspective true? I personally don't have the wisdom to be able to confirm or deny it. But I do know this: The age-old war between good and evil within you is over, and evil lost. From now on, the forces of beauty, truth, love, and justice will grow in power.

I don't want to join your club. So, um, I actually have the poster Natalie is mocking here. As some of you may remember, it hung over my dorm closet back in my college days (sniff sniff). But, in my defense, I bought it at a time when my then-boyfriend was acting particularly heinous, and I needed an outlet for my male-centered anger. Uh, does that mean I suck less?

I didn't think so.

Sing it back. Um, wow.

At the end. Today in C-List Celebrity Sightings:

Here's a really obscure one for you, folks. Last night I went to see The Pain and the Itch (a good friend of mine is doing stage management for it. It's hilarious. Go see it, already) and who was waiting in the lobby but the guy who played Ming Na's husband on "The Single Guy." Remember "The Single Guy," the NBC sitcom from the mid-'90s starring Jonathan Silverman? No? It's just me? Okay then.