I killed a cockroach so big it left a puddle of puss on my wall. Today brought a reprise of the scorpion incident, except this time it involved the largest waterbug I have ever seen. This thing must have crawled here from Mexico, and it terrorized my office for a good half-hour. All attempts to kill it failed, and everyone was perched on their chairs in creeped-out anticipation. At the first possible opportunity, I threw an encyclopedia at it. That's right. I killed an insanely huge cockroach with a $250 encyclopedia. I feel justified in this because cockroaches are detrimental to women's health. I have since been told that I should be showered with flowers and candy, and that I am "ghetto." I take this as a compliment.

You won't scoff at my attempts to kill unwanted pests by squashing them with large objects anymore, will you Wombat? Victory!