Got a rocket in your pocket and it's straight to the top. Okay, this is equal parts horrible and hysterical, so I'll let you be the judge:

Q: I know it is summer right now, and I should be feeling happier than ever, what with my senior year of high school to look forward to. But there is nothing for me and my girlfriend to do really. Our birthday was just a few days ago (Yeah, we have the same birthday, but I'm 18 and she's 17 now) and I think it might just be after-birthday-nothing-left-to-celebrate-till-christmas-blues. Anywho....any suggestions as to how we should waste our summer vacation? Or how to get out of this slump of depressing boredom?

A: may i suggest pre-marital sex? as an 18 year-old dude, i am sure you can get a bone 10 times a day, and fucking is novel enough that it won't get boring before school starts up again. fucking is pretty much free (aside from the cost of birth control/profos/etc, which is not that bad if you go to planned parenthood.) if it does get boring try ANAL SEX, or SWINGING. i promise you, it will be a summer to remember. this goes for all of you on the internet, too. before you go read the drudge report or whatever the fuck you guys look at, try fucking. it is way more awesome than not fucking. it is even more awesome than homestar runner (i am not lying.)

Who says you can't have it all. What is this, the frigging Thomas Crown Affair?

OSLO, Norway (CNN, Aug. 23) -- Armed robbers have stolen two classic paintings by Edvard Munch, including "The Scream," in a brazen daytime heist in Oslo.

The picture frames were later found in another part of the city with the pictures cut out. Authorities have found the getaway car and are using video footage of Sunday's robbery in an effort to track down the thieves, police said.

"They knew exactly where the paintings were and took them down from the wall," said Jorunn Christophersen, head of information for the Munch Museum.

The masked thieves also stole Munch's "Madonna," which shows a mysterious bare-breasted woman with flowing black hair.

The paintings -- which Munch painted as part of a series about love, fear and death -- are said to be worth millions of dollars.

"They are our most valuable paintings," Christophersen said.

"The Scream" is one of the most famous paintings in the world. Munch painted four versions, the first in 1893.

The best-known version was stolen from Oslo's National Art Museum 10 years ago. It was recovered three months later after thieves failed to extract a ransom for its return. [Gee, maybe they should have learned from that mistake, hmmm?]

Sunday's theft from took guards and patrons by surprise.

An eyewitness said one man dressed in black rushed towards the "Madonna" painting, "grabbed that off the wall and then started banging it against the wall and against the ground because the gray strings weren't breaking off for him."

"He then saw 'The Scream', ran towards that and grabbed that off the wall and then he started rushing out the front and we started rushing out the back."

"The Scream" was attached to the wall by wires, witnesses said, noting that no alarm bell could be heard when the painting was taken. They also said guards did not prevent the robbers from fleeing with the paintings.

At a news conference, government officials expressed outrage that the paintings were not more carefully protected.

But Christophersen said an alarm did go off after the paintings were pulled off the wall. She also said the paintings were "stuck to the wall with solid screws." The robbers "used force in taking the Munch (paintings) away," she said.

Christophersen also said the robbers threatened the guards with guns as they headed to their getaway car.

Munch lived from 1863 to 1944 and was a pioneer of modern expressionism.

And all the stars were just like little fish.

Which Grunge Band Are You?

Yes, I am Hole! I am fucking awesome! Ah, the soundtrack to my high school angst... I can feel myself sucking on my old boyfriend's tongue and macking it in the bushes. *Sigh* I am doll parts.

Um, in case it wasn't clear, I hated high school. But I still love Hole.

Here are the rules of our play. Feeling lonely on those long summer nights? Pull up a chair and whip out The Stranger. It may not be as good as having sex yourself, but at least you'll be entertained.

We really can't be beat. In honor of my magentic lumberjack, without whom work is infinitely boring, I give you Metal.

And, in the Blog Hall of Shame:
E: Well, bon courage
I: Merci boku
E: Thank you juice box?

People love it when you lose; they love dirty laundry. Okay, everyone needs to go to The Daily Show Web site and check out Jon's interview with Wolf Blitzer. It is phenomenal. I have never loved Jon Stewart more for sticking it to that fucking Bush-loving, war-mongering fascist who spent Shock and Awe in Kuwait in his suede coat like the prick he is. Those of you who remember me every lunch sitting in the Stone TV room watching Blizter's daily report on CNN and cursing will understand my glee. Seriously people, it is a thing of beauty. Then check out Jon calling Republican Rep. Harry Bonilla on the fabulous Republican spin doctoring and cheer because at least there is some way the American people will get it.

Push it. Too bad I. didn't follow his gut because I actually think this is a great way to make it up to me. Everyone should take a cue from I. on how to best use AOL Instant Messanger to address past wrongs:

For a while, I was thinking, 'Next time [E.] signs on, I'm going to send her the following IM': "Dear [E.], I think you are a vixen, not a whore. Sincerely, [I]." Then I realized that was dumb.

They call me Mister Wiggles. What I want for Christmukkah (and Adam Brody, of course). I like how they give you ideas for use, in case you are totally dense and have no clue why you'd need an absurdly small, extra-cushioned, ergonomic rocking chair. Hmmm.

Ain't that a kick in the head. From The New York Times yesterday:

Q. Why don't you make fun of any women? - John Roark, Oberlin, Ohio

A. Hey, give me some more female CEO's, generals and presidents, and I'll happily make fun of them! - Barbara Ehrenreich

Awesome. Rock it, Barb.

Carry that weight. Sometimes I just love The Onion, especially with this gem. Make sure to check out the pop-up blog for our nation's nuclear launch codes.

Plus, this little horoscope which just tickles me in all the right ways:

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.

Can I help it if I'm so lovable? Obviously not, according to my extra-special Wombat:
R: Can I just virtually smack you bottom? :-)
E: Sure, go for it. I thought you prefer to nibble on me, though
R: Nibble on you???
E: You always come up to me and bite me in various places
R: aaaah ......... i see :-)
E: Or you scratch me under my chin
R: well both!
E: okay, i'm ready for butt smackage
R: *smack*!!!!!!!! aaaaaa......grrrrrrrrrreat!
E: HAHAHAHAH
R: *nibble in you ear* hmm :-)

Je vous ai dit que les Aixoises étaient tellement foux!

I've always been a guy with a sweet tooth and that girl was just like a king-sized candy bar. C-biscuit just made my day.

E: How's it going?
C: Fine, you?
E: Boring
C: You're boring? Wow, I never would have said that myself...I tend to think you're a lot of fun

Awwww, so sweet. Made me all smiley.

I can smell the chemicals. I have to share the nonsensical conversation I just had with my blue buddy I. about our respective universities. Of course, mine came out on top. The way it should be.

E: Does your dorm have that thing where you can go online to see if the showers are free? I know some dorms do
I: bathroom.---.edu is the ---- hall (where I used to live) bathroom server, but ----(where I live till the 15th) has nothing like it.
E: That's messed up. Y'all are pathetically lazy
I: Or awesomely nerdy
E I like mine better
I: Here at ---, we have to physically check to see if the good shower is available
E: You mean, you actually have to emerge from your dark, dank cells lit only by the flickering of your computer monitor? I feel you
I: Well, sometimes we have to pry our filth-encrusted pasty flesh from our decrepit furniture first, but yeah
E: Well it's a good thing y'all don't shower too often, then
I: The dorm just starts to smell funny if everyone showers more than once a month. some of the frosh freak out and start to think they're home, among normal people
E: Yeah. Normal people are strictly not allowed at ---. If they were, the slave driving administration wouldn't be able to use you all for slave labor in their labs and research groups. You guys might start remember good things like food and the touch of a woman...and sunlight. It'd be a catastrophe
I: This is why 10% of --- fratboys die of system shock when they set foot on W. soil. All the estrogen in the air, it overwhelms them, and they go into cardiac arrest with a priapism
E: Oh so that's the excuse? The estrogen? What-EVAH
I: The --- male constitution just can't handle it. You see, --- women emit no estrogen, as their ovaries are removed for safe keeping during their studies here.
E: That sounds like a somewhat eugenic argument
I: No, they get them thawed out and re-implanted after graduation, it's all good
E: Are you saying that W. women are somehow inferior to --- women because --- has a more strenuous academic instruction and will thus damage overaries while W. education is not intense and perfectly safe?
I: No, in fact I hear at W. they take a blood sample from all the first years, and use that to grow one extra genetically matched ovary for everyone in vats, which are then implanted by the Tower Court dance that fall. It's a much superior technology to just removing, freezing, and re-implanting ovaries
E: Is this a yearly process?
I: Well, it only happens with the first years, usually - 3 ovaries are enough for most Wendies.
E: So when one atrophes from all the education, the other kicks in?
I: See, the reason --- removes --- women's ovaries is not because of the rigorous academics, it's because the males are such troglodytes, and so warped by their time in lab, that they're practically teratogenic, and any offspring spawned by an --- man and an --- woman would be an abomination
E: An abomination?
I: Yeah, huge fangs, fish scales, insatiable bloodlust, that kind of thing. I think the extra W. ovary is to make it easier for a W. grad to balance a career and a family
E: Because men don't help? Maybe men should be implanted with an ovary, since we're following a biology-influences-sociability rift which I'm not at all comfortable with
I: The male conspiracy still forbids it, except in rare circumstances. As for ovaries in men, maybe you should draft a proposal. Eventually, you could develop the Ovarizer 2000, a sniper rifle that implants men with ovaries. They'd be all like "Ow? what the fuck was that? Why do I respect women all of the sudden?"
E: I like my men to be men and my women to be women, I just have a fluid definition of what that means. Ovaries really do not come into the equation. Mostly, I'm a big fan of dispensing bitch slaps. And if that fails, blow jobs. My theory is that most conservatives just need a good orgasm to chill the fuck out
I: So has the discussion shifted onto a serious consideration of gender roles, as opposed to hyperbole? I'll try to shift gears if I can.
E: Well I wasn't comfortable with the biology as a major component of gender argument, so I sort of wedged in a bit of theory, but mostly I think --- people are strange and pasty and have an alarming affection for numbers. And their frat boys are glorified simply because they have access to beer and know the chemical composition for date rape drugs.
I: As the t-shirt says, the "--- Men: the odds are good but the goods are odd"
E: In essence
I: Guess you'll have to go elsewhere for your men, then
E: um....
I: (or man, singular, whatever you're looking for)
E: um...
I: I mean, you don't really need good odds; you've got good looks. So unless you're deliberately looking for odd goods, why bother with ---?
E: um...

God is a number. Just another way that the Catholic Church continues to alienate members and show that they're misogynists, but not that misogynistic. It's like they're saying, "Well, we think that men are naturally better than women, because of biology and the way the Lord created them, and we think that gays are evil and anyone who in any way tries to counter anything we say is going to hell, but, really, we don't hate women. Honest." Seriously, guys. Find a new theme.

Vatican Letter Denounces 'Lethal Effects' of Feminism

By Daniel Williams and Alan Cooperman (From the Washington Post)

ROME, July 31 -- The Vatican issued a letter Saturday attacking the "distortions" and "lethal effects" of feminism, which it defined as an effort to erase differences between men and women -- a goal, the statement said, that undermines the "natural two-parent structure" of the family and makes "homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent."

The sharp critique was contained in a document issued by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, a chief adviser to Pope John Paul II and head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the department in charge of laying out Roman Catholic orthodoxy. The 37-page document also outlined the Vatican's own formula for relationships between men and women, calling for "active collaboration between the sexes" and rejecting subjugation of women.

The statement was the latest Vatican salvo against trends it regards as undermining its teachings on sexuality and the family. Vatican officials have assailed abortion and contraception; politicians who support abortion through legislation; and legalized same-sex unions. The pope approved the document issued Saturday, which is titled "Letter to the Bishops of the Catholic Church on the Collaboration of Men and Women in the Church and the World."

Catholic feminists in the United States said the letter presented a caricature of feminism as antagonistic toward men and trying to deny any difference between the sexes. They said feminism seeks equal rights and respect for both genders.

"The demonization of feminism is most disturbing," said Frances Kissling, president of Catholics for a Free Choice, an advocacy group for abortion rights, who said her blood pressure "shot up 20 points" when she read the letter.

"It takes extreme positions that may have been historically held by five people and casts them as if they were held by every woman," Kissling said. "The feminism I know is all for partnerships and is all for empowering both men and women. The feminism I know does not ignore the fact that there are sexual differences."

Elisabeth Schussler Fiorenza, a feminist theologian at Harvard Divinity School, said the document restated positions the Vatican has taken many times and that the only surprise was its timing. She said church leaders may be feeling some urgency to combat same-sex marriage, as well as renewed pressure to consider ordaining women in response to the worldwide scandal over sexual abuse by priests.

"It has some positive things in it, but the political function of the document is the same as the ones before," Fiorenza said. "It's trying to make a theological case, which they're really not able to make, against the full equality of women in the church."

Archbishop Angelo Amato, secretary of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, said Saturday on Vatican Radio that the aim of the letter was to critique two current strands in feminism: one that emphasizes "a radical rivalry between the sexes" and the other that seeks to "cancel the differences between the sexes."

The letter argued that "the obscuring of the difference . . . of the sexes has enormous consequences," including inspiring ideologies that "call into question the family, in its natural two-parent structure of mother and father, and make homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent, in a new model of polymorphous sexuality."

While assaulting what it said were the bases of feminist ideology, the letter tried to tackle the practical difficulties and inequities that feminists also decry. It appeared to attempt to strike a balance between a Catholic ideal of women raising children at home and the reality that many work outside the home.

Women ought not be stigmatized for desiring the life of a homemaker, the letter argued. "Indeed, a just valuing of the work of women within the family is required," it said. Women who choose to work in the labor force should be awarded a proper schedule and "not have to choose between relinquishing their family life or enduring continual stress," it said.

The Rev. Thomas Reese, editor of the national Catholic weekly America, said in an e-mail that "although most American feminists would express their ideology differently than the Vatican, on the practical level they are on the same page (in terms of equality in education, politics, workplace) except on abortion and women priests." If there are differences, he added, "it is probably on the relationship between men and women in the family, not in society. . . . For the Vatican, the ideal is that a father be paid well enough so that a mother can stay home and raise the kids."

The letter called for the Catholic Church to take advantage of "feminine values" that include listening, understanding, caring and faithfulness. Although women are banned from the priesthood, their role in the church is not "a passivity inspired by an outdated conception of femininity," the letter maintained.

Almost a third of the letter was devoted to biblical declarations about the sexes. "From the first moment of their creation, man and woman are different, and will remain so for eternity," it said. Tracing the story of Adam and Eve, it said original sin opened the way to relations between man and woman "in which love will frequently be debased into pure self-seeking, in a relationship which ignores and kills love and replaces it with the yoke of domination of one sex over the other."

In the afterlife, the letter stated, men and women will continue to be different, but sex will come to an end. "The temporal and earthly expression of sexuality is transient," it declared.

Cooperman reported from Washington.