Hey boy, meet girl. Hehe I write like a boy. How 'bout you, friend?

It's the most wonderful time of the year. In honor of the dreaded week, I have posted the following:

Top Ten Signs That It Is Finals Week

10. You've lost ten pounds because eating just isn't as important as cramming for philosophy.

9. You haven't cried this much since your rabbit ran away in the fourth grade. Or last finals week.

8. You convinced a nurse's aide to set up a red bull IV drip for you.

7. The librarian asks you to leave because your snoring is disturbing the other sleepers. Students. I meant students.

6. None of your friends has gotten through the week without a) getting high, b) getting plastered, or c) getting so wired their heart beat as fast as a hummingbird's.

5. You are almost run over by a woman who is talking on her cell phone and trying to study off a book precariously balanced on her steering wheel. You spend the rest of the day angry and depressed.

4. ...because she missed you.

3. You forget what you look like without a pen tucked behind your ear and your collection of scantrons/blue books in hand.

2. You get six hours of sleep daily... none of them at night, and none of them for more than two hours at a time.

and the number one sign that it is finals week:

1. Come Saturday, you're going to start weaning yourself off of caffeine. You'll start by cutting down to three jolt colas and a triple espresso.

Well you can play my game, but I'll put you to shame.

Oh, but I must...

Check out more in-your-face bluntness. It's all the rage with us crazy college kids. Wonk.

It's all right 'cause I'm saved by the bell. I like how, even though I'm older, my life really hasn't changed substantially. I still have the emotional capacity of a fuck-wit. Loverly, aren't I?

E: It's all very high school. I'm like an extra on "Degrassi High"
J: I know, but I figure you guys will straighten it out in study hall
E: Pass him a note for me, k?
J: Sure. Which locker's his?
E: Just make sure Ms. Munch doesn't read it
J: Right
E: #56J on the 3rd floor.
J: Cool. I'll rock that. Is it that one near the thing where those folks are always making out? Or is it the one next to where jenny almost spilled that milkshake all over her white pants the third day of last semester's finals period?
E: Awesome. I'll save you some pizza bites in the cafeteria. want my snack pack?
J: mmmmmm snack pack and pizza
E: mmm...the only finals being state standardized exams.... or 3 page essays on The Catcher in the Rye *drool* It was a simpler time my friend, a simpler time
J: That it was
E: *sniff*

You put the lime in the coconut. This is why I shouldn’t stay up past 2 a.m.:
G: Don't you want to write my PAPAH?
E: PAPAYAH. Hahahaha I don't know why I keep doing that
G: You're a papayah
E: I’m yummy!
G: I almost wrote papayaha
E: I’m a funny papayah
G: You are. I’ll eat you for lunch tomorrow!

Because we are. This is what happens when you go on a walk around the lake with a crazy person. They sing ridiculous songs at you:

"G. had a little E., her fleece was blue as a blueberry." Oh man.

It's the end of the world as we know it. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a comment on the horrendous state of world politics or a pathetic attempt to make fun of Australians, but either way I was amused. Anyone else notice how the leader of Russia looks like Saddam? I mean, I realize he's supposed to be Stalin, but still. I guess he just shops at Facists-Dictators 'R' Us.

It was sure nice talking to you, dad. In case there was any leftover confusion as to why I am so very strange, here's another clue:

Me: See, you can talk to me about sports! you don't need a son :-P
Dad: Sigh. With a son I could have a few brewskies and go to a strip club after the game.
Me: I don't even want to think about that
Dad: I know. It's that male bondage thing.
Me: ew
Dad: I'll buy you a lap dance, next time we go together.
Me: *vomit*

But I got shit to do. Okay, time to bitch. I am sooooo sick of these girls complaining about how they have no boyfriends. Just. Shut. UP. These stupid twits are constantly complain about how it's too much "work" to find boyfriends so they should just go gay blah blah blah horny-cakes. Well, you know what ladies, I have news for you. Going to a co-ed school does not automatically mean that you will have a boyfriend! Tada! These stupid girls remind me of my friend freshman year of high school who expected to be issued a boyfriend the minute she walked into school because that's what always seemed to happen on "Saved By the Bell."

Guess what, ladies. Finding a decent guy to date is hard! You have to go out on dates, put yourself out there and "kiss a lot of frogs." Your ridiculous naïveté regarding the opposite sex is beyond irritating. Please, stop clogging up our conferences with your belly-aching. You want to meet a guy? Go out on a date. Ask that hot guy at the party for his phone number. Make friends. Basically, LEAVE YOUR FUCKING ROOM ON WEEKENDS. Because, honey, even if you went to a co-ed school, sitting in your room on weekends watching Colin Firth movies won't do a damn thing.

So, please, do us all a favor. Shut the hell UP!

3...2...1... Why is The Onion always spot-on?


Schwarzenegger Elected First Horseman Of The Apocalypse

There she is. My arch nemesis (hehe, I kid, I kid) Miss Virginia made it to the Top 10, but sadly does not possess that glittering tiara. Sad, I know. But let's revel in her for just a little bit longer:

Q: Does the swimsuit competition belong in Miss America?

A: Yes, most definitely. When you've got a society where 65% are overweight or obese, it's an excellent motivation. I have a friend, who when he learned I was in the competition, he heard my story and he got motivated; and in the last 3 months that I've known him he's lost almost 100 lbs. So definitely, it's such a great motivation.

And T.'s reponse: I was going to eat fried twinkies for lunch every day this summer, but then I was like "Hey, Miss Virginia lost weight...I think I should just go to Subway."

Elle Woods would be so proud.

She's so fine. Do you think the Olsen Twins know that there are Web sites dedicated to counting down the days until they're 18? I mean, wouldn't it bother them that there are millions of (gross) men drooling as the seconds tick by until they're legal? But, then again, they're the Olsen Twins. So probably the answer is.

I feel dirty. And not in the fun, Christina Aguilera way. Ooo, I think I'm gonna go watch that video now. You can never see enough guys in bunny suits getting punched out by Redman or satin red undie wedgies.

Dancing in the sunlight laughing. So this is part of my attempt to make my blog actually interesting and entertaining (Aside from the electric nipple lady to the left. Yeah, I know why you sickos looks at this thing. I'm on to your little game!). So here is a nice convo between me and my cutie detailing one of his fine escapades. See, I am capable of other things besides reading newspapers! See! See!

T: [T. and T's friend B] were at Barnes and Noble in [T's hometown] and these high school age girls come in, looking all jappy and popular. And they sit down at the table across the patio from us, and I notice that they have a massive stack of sex books/manuals
E: uh oh, I just know this is bad
T: and they're just passing them around reading them
E: haha. I did that in high school with my lesbian friend
T: and then I see one of them, uh, act something out (she was writhing around on the chair like she was on top of a guy!)
E: Oh. My. Lord. Vomit much
T: at this point [T’s friend B], who will say anything no matter how embarrassing, decides we should talk to them just for giggles. So he starts talking to them and they're clearly mortified that someone has caught them learning about sex
E: because their parents taught them it was dirty. Dirty girls exploring their natural urges. tisk tisk
T: and then I come over and say "you know, I wrote many of these books. Hi, I’m...." *paused to pick up nearest book* ".....uh, um, Dr. Ruth K. Wertheimer."
E: did you really say that?
T: yeah
E: and who the fuck reads Doctor Ruth anymore, anyway? Where these girls like 56 or something?
T: 16, maybe. And then they went right to their cars and drove away, but they were unsure whether to flee or flirt. They rolled down the window and tried to talk to [T’s friend B] and me on their way out. It's a shame we didn't really get to introduce ourselves. I was wearing the W. shirt and I wanted to try and tell them I went to W. to see if they'd even notice
E: did you offer to let them practice on you?
T: me, no. [T’s friend B] may have, although that may even be past his limits of decency. So I don't think he did. They were clearly very popular and probably considered the official masturbatory fantasies of the [T.'s old high school] sophomore class or something
E: mmmm...anorexic flat-chested tiffany-bracelet wearing girls who get pubes stuck in their braces. Wow, now there's an image for you
T: hahaha

School's out for summer. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to anything that the current administration does. We bomb the pants off of Iraq but ignore North Korea and Liberia. We lower taxes yet increase spending in what my father calls "no tax and spend" (as opposed to the evil Democrat plan of "tax and spend," get it?). What the crap are these people doing? Why are Jon Stewart and the Onion the only reliable news source (except for PBS. I want to have PBS' baby)? What the hell is going on here??? AAAAAAHHHH!

But enough of this foolishness. Here's someone else's foolishness for a change, courtesy of our good friends at the Onion.

Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month
WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five weeks. "I hope he's okay," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "It's just like him to go off on a fishing trip to Alaska or something and not tell anyone. Which is fine. I mean, he's the president and can do what he wants and all that, but we kind of need to wrap up this whole Liberia thing we started." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted that he was unclear about the president's whereabouts, but figured he must be "off somewhere busy with something."

Work it. Oh, so this is how Stella got her groove back:

The price of a holiday fling

They're women looking for love and romance, fun in the sun. And if they happen to hand over money to the men they meet on the beach, well, that's just their way of helping out... isn't it? Julie Bindel investigates the darker side of sex tourism in Jamaica.

Saturday July 5, 2003
The Guardian

Two flights are due into Montego Bay airport, one from Toronto, the other from London. Clinton waits on the beach for the new arrivals, hoping that one of them will bring him good fortune. "I look for the milk bottles," he tells me, explaining how ultra-white skin is a giveaway, "the ones who've just arrived. Milk bottles that need filling..."
Negril, with its seven-mile stretch of beautiful, white sand and turquoise sea, and its glorious blue skies, attracts the majority of Jamaica's 1.3 million tourists every year, primarily from the US, Canada and Europe. It is known as a "swinging" resort, where anything goes. Home to Hedonism II, where nude marriages and orgies in the spa bath are a common occurrence, it has been described as a place where visitors can "let it all hang out".
Many white, western women come to Negril to do precisely that. Clinton is one of hundreds of young men working the beach and, like most of the "beach boys", he is desperately poor. His primary income comes from accompanying lone female travellers who want sex with Jamaican men. He lives with his family in a shanty town above Negril, in a tin-roofed shack with no electricity or running water. In contrast, the hotels and apartments that line the beach are luxurious. Resort hotels cost US$200 (£120) a night; hotel workers make $80 (£48) a week. While some beach boys may be content to have their entertainment and meals paid for, the ultimate goal is marriage to an American or European and a ticket out of poverty. Clinton's dreadlocks, wide smile and good physique make him attractive to white female tourists.
Clinton has a "regular girlfriend", a 45-year-old Canadian professional, who comes to see him four times a year. "She's a good friend and she looks after me. Sends me money when I can't pay my rent." Clinton says he works "in the tourist industry" and won't admit he is a beach boy. "If I take a tourist out, and she wants to help me out as a friend, give me money and let me stay with her in the hotel, what's wrong with that? Of course I have sex with them, but that's because I'm not gay - I like women." Clinton's current "girlfriend" is a 50-year-old grandmother from the US, whom he met yesterday on the beach.
Negril, like some resorts in the Dominican Republic and Cuba, is renowned as a place where white, middle-aged women come in search of what they call the "big bamboo". UK researchers Jacqueline Sanchez Taylor and Julia O'Connell Davidson found that the usual analysis of sex tourism does not allow for the possibility of women as buyers of sexual services, because "prostitute-users are, by definition, male, and this assumption is shared by many researchers and theorists". The two researchers interviewed 240 women holidaying in Negril and two similar resorts in the Dominican Republic. Almost a third of the interviewees had engaged in sexual relationships with local men in the course of their holiday. Though 60% admitted to certain "economic elements" to their liaisons, they did not perceive their sexual encounters as prostitute-client transactions, nor did they view their sexual partners as prostitutes.
Those who admit to coming to Negril for sex believe they are helping the men, and the local economy, by giving them money and gifts. However, much of the local community is scathing about beach boys and thinks the women are misguided and naive. "These men earn $100 (£60) each time they have sex with the women," said Richard, manager of the Nirvana beach apartments in Negril. "For oral sex, which is taboo for Jamaican men, they can earn more like $150 (£90)." However, both the women and the beach boys say that many will act as a guide to the island and throw in sexual services, often for as little as a hot meal and a place to sleep.
HIV and Aids figures reflect the fact that condom use by the beach boys is sporadic. In the main tourist areas, the number of those infected is higher than elsewhere on the island. Last year, an estimated 20,000 adults and children out of a population of 2.6 million were living with Aids or HIV - a figure that had more than doubled in two years. The growth of the sex tourism industry has contributed to this rise. Research into the practices of tourists at European holiday destinations reveals that women are less likely to use contraception or protection against STDs on holiday than at home. Many on the island confirm this. Stanley Gottlieb, an American who owns the Nirvana apartments, is shocked at what he has seen in his 20 years on the island. "The women do things here that they would never do at home. They have unsafe sex with risky men, walk along the beach drunk, get into cars on their own."
In the Irie bar, Anna (not her real name), a 40-year-old businesswoman from East Anglia, sways to the loud reggae coming from the huge sound system, her hand resting on the knee of BB, a Jamaican from nearby Green Island. The list of cocktails on sale includes Big Bamboo, Dirty Banana and Jamaican Steel. She would describe herself as an "accidental sex tourist". "I was reading all about the sex stuff in Lonely Planet on the way here, and thought, 'Oh my God, I didn't realise it was like that!' I suppose it made me curious." She had already developed an interest in African and Caribbean culture through hanging out with her Nigerian boyfriend back home. "But I didn't only come here because I wanted to shag the pants off some Jamaican guy." Anna met BB on the beach, just hours after she arrived on the island, and had sex with him that day. "I knew he was angling to do it without a condom, but I don't know him well enough for that."
She says it is the attention, more than the sex, that she enjoys. "I wondered what it would be like to be with a Jamaican man. The notion I have of them is that they love English women. I thought I'd be popular and accepted, but I had no idea that you really could have the pick of the bunch. They're around you like bees around a honey pot."
Like the other women I spoke to, Anna eroticises black men and is taken with the myths about their sexual prowess. "You've heard the phrase 'Once black, never back'? Well, I can understand it."
Anna admits that she is expected to pay for "most things" and that when they first met, BB asked her directly for money. "But he hasn't asked me for anything today." It is 1pm on the second day. BB showers her with compliments and tells her that she is the most beautiful woman he has seen all year. "At first I didn't believe him. I mean, look at me, I'm hardly an oil painting, and I'm overweight. But they love big women - to them it's a sign of wealth."
In Jamaica, around 17% of the population live below the poverty line. Many children from poor, rural communities are not enrolled in school; of those who are, 4,000 drop out every year. Tourism and agriculture are the main sources of income. For fit young men with no job opportunities, hustling on the beach, selling cigarettes, fruit, ganja or sex, is the only way to feed themselves and their dependants. "You can buy anything on Negril," says Alphonso, an elderly Rasta who sells jewellery on the beach. "A man for your woman, a woman for your man, a woman for your woman."
The Jamaican government has made half-hearted attempts to curb the behaviour of the beach boys. During the winter seasons in the late 1990s, harassment of tourists in nearby Ocho Rios and Montego Bay received such intense publicity that the government proposed to double the fines for harassers and to establish a night court to process offenders swiftly. Nothing much has happened since, though civilian security teams patrol Negril beach day and night.
One man on whom they keep an eye is Robin. He decks his speedboat on the water's edge and waves to a group of older German women. They giggle and wave back. One of them tells me that Robin is a "full-time gigolo" and that she "dated" him the previous evening. Robin is 25, skinny and shaven-headed. He has pockmarked skin and wears glasses. Although he is not the best-looking man on the beach, tourists seem to love him. "My reputation gets around the island," he says. "Jamaican men can keep going at sex for over an hour. Back home, they say, their husbands can't even go for 10 minutes. Some guys just say, 'You've got to pay me to fuck you', but I make a friend of them." Women routinely approach him for sex, he says: "Some girls say, 'You're really black, I like your skin, you're nice and tall.' Especially the bigger girls - they're always nice to me, you know. They see me swimming and say, 'Hey, you got a bigger dick than my man back home.'"
Robin's regular girlfriends take him shopping and give him money to spend. He usually has two or three on the go at any one time. "Understand: if I work for you, I want you to pay me. I like to be independent, I don't want no one using me. I'm not a gigolo, I'm a player. I love girls."
His favourite tourists are black Americans, because they have "fewer hang-ups than others", although he likes being seen with white women ("I can get a black woman any time"). Like the other "baldheads", he is critical of "rent-a-dreads". "They grow their hair for the tourists, because they all want to fuck Bob Marley. No way are they real Rastas. They stink, but the women like that. They just pick up the tourists for money, but I like to give them a good time."
Debbie, a 43-year-old tour operator from Canada, has been coming to Jamaica twice a year since she was 20, and is a veteran sex tourist. Brash, loud, overweight and striking, she is keen to recount her success with Jamaican men. The guys have always approached her, she says. "They are very upfront. They come up to you and say, 'I like you and want you', and then you pick and choose which one you like and which one you want. It's so simple. I think, OK, I like that one because he's got locks, or I like him because his teeth are white, or he's got muscles."
Debbie comes to Jamaica primarily for sex with local men, and is very specific about the type of guy she likes. "My current one is gorgeous! Not one ounce of fat on his body and locks down to his knees!" She is not looking for love and is scornful of those who are. "You know what, if you can control these guys, you can have a great time. Some of the women go all gaga on them, but I don't want anything permanent - just to enjoy myself."
Debbie loves the sex, but admits that some of her friends are disillusioned. "A lot of men here smoke ganja, and because life is so hard they drink a lot, and the combination can make a man not perform that well. So they've been extremely disappointed, because they're after the marathon fuck, two weeks of banging, and are thinking, 'What's going on? I've got this huge Rasta with locks down his back and I ain't got nothing.' I've actually had to go and find another one for my friend because she said, 'This one's no good!'"
The relationship between beach boy and female tourist is seen by many as "romance and fun". Not one of the men I spoke to would admit to money being a prime motivation for their liaisons, although some of the women did. For them, that still did not mean they were sex tourists; they were simply "helping out". Many of the men are so poor that they will have sex with a woman for food. Debbie told me, "They will come up to me and say, 'I want to eat today', which means, 'I will do anything for a hot meal.' That means oral sex, fucking, even a massage, if I buy them some rice and peas." The knowledge that many of her sexual partners are desperately poor does not seem to spoil her enjoyment.
In the distance, groups of fresh-faced, attractive young American women walk along the beach in revealing swimwear, and are ignored by the beach boys. "They don't have much money to spend, so they are less fun than the older women," explains O'Neill, a barman at Cool Vibes. When the "spring breakers" arrive in town - well-off American university students on a week's vacation - they are welcomed by the bar owners and hoteliers, but the men complain that their business is affected.
I bump into Anna and BB at the Roots Bamboo beach party one evening. BB is glued to her side. "He doesn't like me to talk to other guys," Anna says. "They [Jamaicans] are like Africans. Very possessive. Mind you, I wouldn't trust 90% of the Jamaicans, but I trust this one." Later that week, I see BB a couple of miles down the beach, his arm around a French Canadian woman.
Robin took me out on his glass-bottomed boat and, like all the other beach boys I interviewed, tried to persuade me that I needed an escort during my time on the island. Each time I asked them to describe their ideal woman, they would describe me, hoping that I would be flattered by the compliments and change my mind.
"It's their job to be nice," says Patty, who works at the Risky Business beach bar. "They run a weird sort of protection racket, moving in initially when the women are having hassle and then hanging around constantly as the woman's minder. I see 60-year-olds hanging on the arm of some young Rasta. As soon as her money runs out, he's off with the next one. I wish they'd learn, but they never do."
While many women come to Jamaica purely for sex, others get snared by local men who exploit their vulnerability. Self-delusion is rife among these women, who often believe the men they have hooked up with are in love with them. Carrie is 35 and "not considered attractive back home". She gave up her job as a lifeguard in Toronto to tour the Caribbean. Her long-term partner had recently died and she had since been "used and abused" by men at home. Carrie met Winston on arrival in Negril - "I was being ripped off in a bar and he stepped in and helped me out." After two weeks of "hot romance", she moved on to another island, but found that she was missing him so much, she came back.
During the 30 minutes I spoke to her in the club where Winston was DJ, no fewer than five of his friends came up to check on her. "He wants to make sure I'm OK and not hassled by any other men." Cynics might say he was protecting his meal ticket. Although Carrie admitted paying for everything, and lending Winston money, she denies that his motive is financial. "I knew the reputation for that. Of course, I buy him drinks and stuff - I want to do that. He looks after me in other ways. He borrowed a few bucks because his gig was cancelled. But I expect it back." She told me that she loved him, and that the sex was "great. They [Jamaicans] are so attentive, and have great bodies. I could never pull guys this fit and handsome in Toronto."
Carrie was even considering moving to Jamaica to be with Winston long-term. Winston says he likes it when the women come back. "I have two American girlfriends who come to see me about twice a year. They always bring me nice presents and look after me while they are here. I need a wife, though, someone who can get me off the island."
But it is when the women come to Jamaica to start a new life with the beach boys that things can change for the worse - many find themselves in extremely abusive relationships with the very men who treated them "like queens" when they were on the island as tourists. Andrea Johnson, a corporal with the Negril police, says, "The relationship ends up sour and we have to intervene. I've seen some nasty domestic violence towards the white women who move in with their boyfriends. The men sometimes steal from the women, or beat them when they run out of money."
Anna wants to talk more about BB. She approaches me on the beach, as if she needs to be reassured that he is not after her money. "Is there much theft on the last day?" she asks. Robin had already talked about the men who rip off the women. "The dreads, they can't do their jobs properly if they need to steal from the women. If she likes you, she gives you what you ask for. If you diss them, they won't come back and ask for you next time they're in Jamaica."
"They are always nice to me, whatever I do," says Chloe, a 50-year-old sports instructor from Yorkshire. "It's their job to be nice to women." Chloe has been coming to Negril for five years, since she discovered that her husband was having an affair with a friend from her aerobics class. "I thought, great, I've devoted 25 years of my life to this arsehole, and put up with his habits, boring sex and bringing up his children. Now it's my turn to have fun." Like so many others, her inspiration to come to Negril was the 1998 film How Stella Got Her Groove Back, in which Stella, a divorced black woman in her 40s, takes time off work to travel to Jamaica, where she meets and falls in love with Winston, a local man who is half her age.
Chloe has "boyfriends" every time she comes to Negril. Her current one is Clarence, a 23-year-old Rasta who sleeps on the beach and operates a jet ski when he can get the work. The rest of the time he hustles white women like Chloe.
"The first day I met him, he asked me if I wanted to go to a reggae party that night," says Chloe. "Actually, we didn't make the party." She laughs. "I said to him, 'I can listen to Bob Marley at home, but I can't get this there' and grabbed his crotch! I can't believe I did that! He asked if it was OK to stay in the hotel with me, and could he order from room service? I said, 'Sure.' I didn't realise it would be as cheap a night. When I first came to Negril, I was told they ask for $100 dollars for sex. I would never pay that, but I was willing to barter him down."
Chloe, like a number of other women here, is not very impressed with the sex. "I almost had to force him to go down on me. I suppose it's because strict Rastas don't eat meat, so why should they eat that! After I got wise to the ways of Jamaicans, who are very much wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, I made sure I taught them all how to do it properly."
Michele, a local woman who works at one of the beachside bars, wonders what the tourists see in Jamaican men. "They know what it is, I suppose, but I don't see the attraction. Our men are lazy and good for nothing. They are not good lovers - all they do is get us pregnant and leave us to cope with the baby while they're off doing their own thing."
Andrea Johnson is similarly puzzled. "They say there's none like the Jamaican men. I don't know why. They must know the reason, but it's a secret to Jamaican women."
The late Klaus de Albuquerque, in his research into Caribbean society and tourism, suggested that "perhaps Euro-American women are prepared to accept their nights with the big bamboo as just another holiday activity, pleasurable, if not completely satisfying, like tourists everywhere."
Certainly, many of the white women have a notion that they are transgressing racial boundaries by having sex with black men, although most of those I spoke to did not do so at home. "White girls like walking with a black man, going to a party. They think it looks cool to mix up the colours," says Robin. "They say to me, 'I hear black men are big down there.' Most have never been with a black man before but, once they do, they're hooked."
Lucy, 45, from California, fell in love with her first Jamaican man when she was 19. He has since married a German woman and moved off the island, but the experience changed her taste in men. "Since then I have always gone for dark-skinned men. They are so much sexier than white. And, you know what, it's true: black men have bigger penises." Lucy, however, is looking for romance, not just sex, on Negril. "It is the one time of the year that I feel I can have my pick of the bunch. Back home, because I'm fat and not exactly beautiful, I tend to settle for men who aren't that special-looking. Here, they are gorgeous, and I can have any one I want, just about. I wanted to come here and feel all the feelings I had back then."
The research carried out by Sanchez Taylor and O'Connell Davidson suggests that the reason many female tourists are able to delude themselves into believing they are not prostitute users lies in their racialised power over the men: "Racist ideas about black men being hypersexual and unable to control their sexuality enable them to explain to themselves why such young and desirable men would be eager for sex with older and/or overweight women, without having to think that their partners are interested in them only for economic reasons. The men in Jamaica and the Dominican Republic are not selling sex, but doing what comes naturally to them. Only women who had entered into a series of brief sexual encounters began to acknowledge that it's all about money."
Lennie, an older Rastafarian who sells trips on glass-bottomed boats, has a sideline of fixing up female tourists with beach boys. "The women are told to come to me when they book into their hotel, so I can fix their 'company' for them. Sometimes they ask for a tour guide - someone who knows the island well and will take them to parties. Other times, they are more direct. They tell me what he should look like, smell like, even fuck like!" One hotel that caters mainly for German women offers a young male "guide" for the week in with the price of the room.
Women such as Debbie and Chloe, the "veterans", are very clear that they are looking not for romance but for sex, and they are happy to pay for the privilege. Others, such as Carrie and Anna, fall in love and naively believe that their love is reciprocated. They are often victims of bad relationships, low self-esteem and loneliness back home. The beach boys exploit this, often treating them badly and ripping them off.
But whatever the intentions of the women who arrive in Negril, it seems to me that most are exercising their racial and economic power over the beach boys. Ignorance and lack of concern about the abject poverty and lack of choice that characterises these men's lives leads the women to romanticise their actions. They are exercising powers that they cannot use at home - their race and their relative affluence. Third hand, I heard a story of a teenage boy being locked in a hotel room and sexually assaulted by several American women. Whether or not the tale is true, I believe the behaviour of some of the women is exploitative.
There are some obvious differences between female and male sex tourism. Although the beach boys are objectified and often sexually humiliated by the female tourists, they tend not to fear or experience violence and sexual aggression, such as being beaten and raped, in the way that female prostitutes routinely do. Nor are they vulnerable to criminalisation, unlike female prostitutes whose activities are illegal.
What I found in Negril was complicated. I would return to my apartment depressed after a day spent observing grey-haired women desperately seeking the love and approval of handsome young men, feeling worthless without a relationship, and beach boys so desperate for a hot meal that they agreed to be treated, and treated themselves, as a commodity. One man who tried to pick me up for the week told me that, as long as I wrote a letter supporting his visa application to visit the UK, he would take me out and even pay for my drinks. "But let me give you the money first," he said, "because I ain't going to be seen by my friends buying a white woman's drinks." This warped sense of masculine and racial pride, coupled with a desperation to better themselves, leaves the Jamaican beach boys with very little opportunity to shake off the legacies of slavery.

Imagination. Life is your creation. I'm sorry, but this is the most absurd and funny thing I've read from The Onion in awhile. It made me laugh out loud, much to the chagrin of my co-workers.

Giant Girl Forces Playthings Cheney and Rumsfeld to Wed
WASHINGTON, DC—The Bush Administration suffered another giant-girl-related setback Tuesday, when 60-foot-tall Alice Drury, 7, "married" Vice-President Dick Cheney to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld before a crowd of cowering White House staffers in the Rose Garden.


Above: Alice plays with Cheney and Rumsfeld on the White House lawn.
Grasping Cheney and Rumsfeld tightly in her enormous hands, Alice forced the helpless leaders-turned-playthings to exchange vows of matrimony.

"Dick, do you take Donald to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Alice asked Cheney. "'Yes, yes I do!' And Donald, do you take Dick to be your lawfully wedded husband? 'Yes! Yes! Oh, yes!'"

After pronouncing Cheney and Rumsfeld husband and wife, Alice ordered the trembling vice-president to kiss his equally frightened "bride," then bumped the two men's torsos against one another repeatedly in a crude simulation of kissing.

"Kissy kiss kiss," Alice said. "Dick and Donald love each other."

While not considered legally binding, the wedding is only the latest episode of giant-child's play to rock the Beltway. Since acquiring the White House as a birthday present from her colossal parents last week, Alice has repeatedly disrupted affairs of state, forcing key government officials to serve as dolls for her playtime flights of fancy.

During a Bush Cabinet meeting on the morning of June 9, Commerce Secretary Don Evans was unexpectedly hoisted from his chair and pulled through an open West Wing window by Alice's right hand. Eyewitnesses described how the young giantess, crawling on her hands and knees, "walked" Evans down Pennsylvania Avenue.

"She held him by the waist with her thumb and forefinger and sort of bounced him down the street," eyewitness Phil Urban said. "He never left her grip, but it must have been terrifying for him. His feet touched the ground only every 20 to 30 feet or so. It was sickening to watch."

After disappearing for nearly two hours, Evans was dropped unceremoniously on the White House lawn, minus his shoes, coat, and shirt. He also sported several bald patches on his head, the result of an apparent giant-girl-administered haircut.

Later that afternoon, Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson nearly drowned after being "bathed" by Alice in the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool. Stripped naked and dunked several times, the stunned Thompson was abandoned face down in the pool when Alice's mother called her to dinner. Thompson was eventually rescued and revived by Capitol police.

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice has endured her share of punishment, as well. Three times in the past week, Alice has seized Rice and brushed her hair with strokes described by witnesses as "rough."

"She uses this huge plastic brush and practically rips Condi's hair out at the roots," Deputy National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley said. "And that dress [Alice] made out of gigantic Kleenexes and secured with rubber bands? Horrible. God knows where Condoleezza's original dress went. Probably lost forever, along with the Marine One helicopter and [Secretary of Veterans' Affairs] Anthony Principi."

While federal officials have remained calm thus far, many fear that Alice's play will become more violent if left unchecked. Beltway insiders point to Monday's switching of Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham's head with that of Labor Secretary Elaine Chao.

Asked if they had any plans to intervene, Alice's parents seemed unfazed.

"I agree that Alice should try to keep her things nice," 95-foot-tall mother Elizabeth Drury said. "But I'm more worried she might trip and bump her head on that nasty Washington Monument. There it is, jutting out in the middle of nowhere, just waiting for someone to get hurt on it."

"I'm not at all concerned," 110-foot-tall father Lawrence Drury said. "I say, let giant children be giant children. I remember all the fun I had with my Kremlin playset years ago, with the army men and the little nuclear missiles. I would take my little roly-poly Khrushchev doll to bed with me every night. But my mother made me stop playing with it because she didn't like war toys. Pity."


Above: Alice peers into her playset.

I want it now. Haven't had a picture in a while on here... because I'm lazy and haven't been looking at all the stuff I usually do (Damn you dial-up). So, in honor of the one week mark until my cutie comes to visit, here's some good, not-so-clean fun courtesy of my buddy and yours, rstevens:



And the phrase of the week, courtesy of Damon Runyon: "Kisses her ker-plump right on the smush." Couldn't stop laughing when I read that one.

I can go twice as high. I can't believe they're going to take Reading Rainbow off the air. I love LaVar Burton! That show was the best, and I loved so many of the books that were on the show. Anyone else remember A Chair For My Mother?

'Reading Rainbow' and its elusive pot of gold
July 10, 2003 :: The Christian Science Monitor

By Lisa Suhay

MEDFORD, N.J. – It's wholesome, bright, and unpolluted by advertising tie-in gimmicks; it promotes literacy, and my children benefit from it enormously, so it's only natural that the PBS show "Reading Rainbow" is about to lose its signature butterfly wings due to a lack of funding.
The show, a coproduction of WNED-TV and GPN/Nebraska has won more than 150 awards in 19 years of programming. In May, the show won an Emmy - its 19th - for Outstanding Children's Program. During his acceptance speech, program host LeVar Burton begged for help to find the $5 million it would take to keep the show running for two more years.

The theme song of the program tells children, "Butterfly in the sky. I can go twice as high! Take a look. It's in a book. A Reading Rainbow. I can go anywhere.... I can do anything...."

But the show itself can't go anywhere until it gets past the guards at the vaults of corporate America, which uses a rigid rule that high Nielsen ratings equals funding - period.

As a parent and a children's book author, I hold this show close to my heart because it has never become less substantive and more high-tech as other PBS shows have in order to survive, like "Sesame Street" with its faster pace and flashier graphics. These shows receive corporate support more readily because they are seen as product-friendly (think Arthur lunchboxes and Elmo T-shirts).

"Reading Rainbow" simply uses what my grandmother lovingly called "the idiot box" in an intelligent way: to introduce children to new books, help them learn to read, and instill a love of the printed word. It also promotes family literacy workshops and young author and illustrator contests. According to the show's creator, Twila Liggett, more than 50,000 children nationwide participated in the contest this year.

This is the grass-roots aspect unseen and unappreciated by corporate sponsors, such as Barnes & Noble, which recently pulled the funding plug.

"Since then we've been furiously, desperately, quietly trying to get some funding into place," Ms. Liggett said in a phone interview.

Then Mr. Burton blew the lid off the problem at the Emmys. Some corporations did come forward, only to be turned off by low ratings. "Reading Rainbow" - carried by 85 percent of PBS stations - has never made Nielsen's top 10 of all children's shows. (Other PBS programs, such as "Clifford" and "Arthur," are frequently among the top five shows.)

But "Reading Rainbow" is the No. 1 PBS program used in classrooms. Apparently, the fact that 50,000 youngsters stretched their literary and artistic wings as a result of the show's presence is not potent enough to get corporate sponsors off the dime. If the show is canceled, so are all the outreach programs.

The response from "viewers like you" - as the PBS saying goes - was overwhelmingly supportive, according to Liggett. People all over America are writing in to John Wilson (VP, Programming, PBS, 1320 Braddock Pl., Alexandria, VA 22314), telling him why the show should stay on the air. In response, PBS kicked in money to produce four new episodes, which could stretch the show through the fall season.

While that provided some breathing room, Liggett says the best thing would be for a philanthropist to step up and foot the bill. Next best would be finding a corporation that still holds to traditional family and public-television values, seeing past simple numbers to the complex network of educators, parents, and children who absorb and integrate this program into their daily lives and learning process.

I didn't know I was a hue in this extended rainbow until I told my son Ian, age 8, about the show's problem. Behind his spectacles his green eyes blazed, "No way! That's wrong! What can I do? I'll tell my teacher. I'll call my friends."

"Reading Rainbow" is how he was brought together with a favorite book, "Keep the Lights Burning, Abbie," by Connie Roop and Peter Roop. He added, "They give you a lot of facts on that show. It's a true story. My teacher showed a tape of the show in class. If they hadn't done it, I would never have known about that book!"

He was right. That book in particular is not as widely publicized as, say, Harry Potter. The program chooses books, not by big publishing names or media blitz, but by individual merit - giving the more obscure works a chance to shine.

While corporate America and the wealthy get plenty of government support these days, they show little interest in what many citizens value and need.

There is no pot of gold at the end of the "Reading Rainbow," just the currency created by building a generation of motivated, literate, and inquisitive citizens.

If only there were an American corporation left that recognized the return our country reaps from that kind of investment, I'd buy what they're selling.

Here she is. This one's a head scratcher. My boss wants me to write an op-ed about it. Should I?

Pageantry takes a Crimson path: 2 Harvard grads vie to become Miss America as incumbent heads for campus

By Marcella Bombardieri, Globe Staff, 7/8/2003

ancy Redd graduated from Harvard in June with honors in women's studies
and a resume that includes contributing to a new SAT guidebook. A
classmate, Laurie Gray, is a violinist who graduated summa cum laude and
is applying to medical school. The two have never met, but they will be on
the same stage in Atlantic City in September, competing to be the next
Miss America.



Redd is the reigning Miss Virginia, and Gray is Miss Rhode Island. Both
members of the Harvard Class of 2003 are vying to follow in the footsteps
of this year's Miss America, Erika Harold, who starts Harvard Law School
next year.

Elite universities have been represented in the Miss America pageant in
previous years, but two Harvard graduates vying for the crown of an
incoming Harvard student is almost certainly a first.

''Harvard students just set ridiculous goals for themselves,'' said Redd,
who in addition to her pageant victory has won a quarter-million dollars
on the television quiz show ''Who Wants to Be a Millionaire'' and was one
of Glamour magazine's ''Top Ten College Women'' in 2002. ''That's why they
do amazing things.''

The Harvard connection also illustrates how the Miss America organization
has updated its image over the years, a topic that both Gray and Redd
explored in academic papers before they began competing.

The comedy ''Legally Blonde'' made millions at the box office with its
premise of a runner-up in the ''Miss Hawaiian Tropic'' pageant going off
to Harvard Law School -- after her mother admonishes her, ''Law school is
for people who are boring and ugly and serious.''

But women like Redd and Gray say it makes perfect sense to be serious
about both school and Miss America.

First of all, winning a crown also can mean winning huge scholarships.
Harold, who graduated from the University of Illinois, earned $80,000 in
the course of competing -- $65,000 from the Miss America crown alone --
which she says will allow her to spurn high-paying corporate law to work
in the public sector. Gray took home $11,000 in scholarships for her state
win, and Redd won $17,000.

Then there is the ''platform.'' Since 1989, the pageant, which considers
itself a scholarship competition, has required contestants to develop an
advocacy platform on an issue of the day. Harold has spent the year
speaking out against youth violence, with occasional stops at rallies
promoting teen sexual abstinence. Gray is competing on a music education
platform, and Redd is promoting 4-H.

''I made it clear at the beginning of the year that I wanted to transform
what Miss America is about,'' Harold said in a phone interview. ''It
should be about a woman who is very interested in education and also in
using her visibility to put a spotlight on social issues that are not
getting enough attention.''

Gray's pageant career began in high school, when she found a scholarship
listed in her guidance office looking for a well-rounded young woman --
she didn't know it was a pageant. She ended up becoming Rhode Island's
Junior Miss.

She later contacted some pageant officials during her freshman year in
college -- not because she wanted to compete, she says, but because she
wanted to write a paper on the topic for an expository writing class. The
pageant officials urged her to enter, and she did, motivated by the chance
to win scholarship money. After several tries in Massachusetts, she won
Miss Rhode Island in April as a Harvard senior.

Redd says she had never participated in a pageant before this year, and
entered in part because being Miss Virginia -- a full-time yearlong job --
sounded better than an entry-level job after college. She pursued her win
vigorously, including losing 40 pounds off her 5-foot-5 frame. (She now
weighs 118 pounds.)

Redd said she received only positive feedback from Harvard's women's
studies faculty.

''This is what third-wave feminism is all about. Be a career woman, be a
stay-at-home mom, be Miss America,'' Redd said. ''You are in a swimsuit
and heels one time; the rest of the time you are out there representing
yourself as a sophisticated, intelligent person.''

Gray said she was glad that a classmate will be competing alongside her.
''I'm a little bit relieved I don't have to be `the Harvard one,' '' she
said.

In Virginia, Redd has ascended to celebrity status. She has won such gifts
as an apartment, a laptop, cell phone, diamonds, and pearls. In Rhode
Island, Gray's gifts were along the lines of free dry cleaning.


Marcella Bombardieri can be reached at bombardieri@globe.com.


This story ran on page A1 of the Boston Globe on 7/8/2003.
© Copyright 2003 Globe Newspaper Company.

Real good time. Proof that L(y) is certifiably insane:

E: What did you end up doing for the summer? Porn? Prostitution? Convenience store? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

L(y): Well, I tried to combine the three and ended up selling gas to my pimp and turning in racy pictures of cigarettes to the photo shoot. Then I gained three hundred pounds, dyed my hair stringy blonde and renamed myself "Erma." Ok, it was funny when I said it out loud...

This reminds me of a gross encounter I had at Yankee stadium in the bathroom. This woman who was noticably anorexic and with hair bleached to within an inch of its life was in the bathroom touching up her makeup. She was obviously drunk and had toilet paper hanging out of her ass (ick) and she had these very long nails, but one of them was broken and hanging on by a thread. she kept talking to the girl standing next to her about how disgusting her nail was but how she didn't want to do anything about it because she didn't "want to lose it." All the while, she's applying lip liner which is remarkably darker than her lipstick color (very trashy). She must have been a Met fan :-p

Guilty confession of the day: I want to see Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle *hangs head in shame*

All we are is what we're told, and most of that's been lies. And they say The Onion is only satire. Ha, I say. Ha!

U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq
BAGHDAD, IRAQ—For the third time in as many weeks, U.S. officials denied U.N. weapons inspectors' request to reenter Iraq. "Thanks so much for the offer, but we can handle it from here," Lt. Gen. William Wallace told U.N. chief inspector Hans Blix. "We're getting very close to finding Saddam's massive WMD stockpile, and to have the U.N. get involved at this point would just complicate matters. Sorry." U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan has given President Bush a June 28 deadline to let inspectors into Iraq.

Stereo can provide. At the gym last night, one of the televisions was set to "Fox News" (Lord knows why), and there was some debate about the Bush administration's exaggeration of Iraq's "weapons of mass destruction." I thought this was so ridiculous that I had to share the transcript (Being a reporter and having access to these things rules). It's a bit long, but bear with it. The best part is at the end (emphasis added):

Interview With J.C. Watts, Juanita Millender-McDonald
Sean Hannity; Alan Colmes
06/17/2003
Fox News: Hannity & Colmes
(c) Copyright Federal Document Clearing House. All Rights Reserved.

ALAN COLMES, CO-HOST: Let's get right to our first guest tonight. Joining us from Washington is California congresswoman Juanita Millender-McDonald and from Norman, Oklahoma, former Congressman J.C. Watts. Good to see you both with us.
J.C. WATTS, FORMER CONGRESSMAN: Thank you.
REP. JUANITA MILLENDER-MCDONALD (D), CALIFORNIA: Thank you.
COLMES: Another U.S. soldier killed, Congressman Watts, one wounded yesterday in Baghdad. Did we announce the end of hostilities too soon?
WATTS: Well, Alan, that's -- I don't think we did. I think those are -- you know, we may see some of those incidents happen but I think for the most part, over the last week, I think we have gotten more aggressive, I think, in trying to take charge of those situations and kind of take care of some of those radicals who are still loyalists to Saddam Hussein. But any time you lose an American life, I think we all should be concerned. But I do think, as we have seen in the last week, the administration and administration over in Iraq has said -- General Franks and the gang has said that they're going to get more aggressive in trying to weed out these Saddam loyalists.
COLMES: Congresswoman Millender-McDonald, it didn't seem like we were ready for this. We didn't anticipate it. We're seeing continuous -- it's like a guerrilla war that's going on now. We were kind of sold a Bill of goods, everything was great, it was pretty much over. People would be settling back into their normal lives. It's not at all what's happening, is it?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: That is not all that's happening. And I think we did stop this war too soon. We have had upwards of 45 casualties since the president declared the war was over. That was much too soon, because we put our military forces in harm's way even more so. And so I think the president was trying to declare this war over because he had said to the American people that this war would be over in short order. And so he was trying to stick by his guns on that. But by doing that, our military forces and our soldiers have been killed.
COLMES: Congressman Watts, the administration -- Go ahead, sir.
WATTS: Alan, just let me add, I never recalled the president or the secretary of defense or secretary of the state or anyone else in the administration saying that the war was over.
COLMES: But they said hostilities had pretty much ceased is what they did say. They didn't declare victory.
WATTS: "Our." Said our hostilities or our aggression toward the Iraqi regime. They never said that they would stop looking or that we would -- I don't know how you're going to continue to look for weapons of mass destruction and not, you know, understand that we're not going to have some hostilities executed against us.
COLMES: But we thought we'd find those weapons of mass destruction by now. By the way, the Bush administration is getting awfully defensive, isn't it, about the reasons for this war? It seems every day they're getting more aggressive in trying to defend the stated core reasons they gave for going in, in the first place.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: Well, that's because they have over-exaggerated this war. They spoke to the American people to get that support by saying that Saddam Hussein had these weapons of mass destruction and that it was a threat to the United States. Given the 9/11, Americans wanted anything to happen that would not be a threat -- a further threat to us. And so of course, that was the argument that was raised by this administration. In doing so, he is now trying to defend himself by saying that we should take time, we need time on our hands because Baghdad is such a large place. We knew that going into this war.
COLMES: Congressman Watts, if it turns out intelligence was manipulated, if we find it out, that it was manipulated for the purpose of promoting this war, what should be the consequences for that?
WATTS: Well, I think the American people will hold the administration responsible if the intelligence was manipulated to justify the war. But it was not. And I think we need to make that clear. I find it ironic that the same people today who are saying we want evidence today, we want proof right now, those same people were saying give the U.N. inspectors more time.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: That is correct.
WATTS: Give them more time to find weapons of mass destruction.
SEAN HANNITY, CO-HOST: Let me...
WATTS: Let me say one other thing -- we have to understand, the American people, they are very supportive of what happened in Iraq because they understand that we got rid of the number one weapon of mass destruction...
HANNITY: Saddam Hussein.
WATTS: ... and that was Saddam Hussein and his regime.
HANNITY: J.C., good to see you, congresswoman, good to see you.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: Thank you very much.
HANNITY: I know you're a smart woman, so I'm going to give you a quiz. Just for fun, just to start out the show and have a little fun. Considering you said that the president over-exaggerated his statements, I am going to give you some statements and I am going to see if you can guess who said them.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: Hannity, I said he either over-exaggerated or he manipulated the intelligence. It's one or the other.
HANNITY: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who said the following: "We know that Saddam Hussein has chemical and biological weapons?" Who said the following also: "Saddam has a large and growing stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons." Who said: "We know he continues to develop weapons of mass destruction, including nuclear devices?" And who said: "Most elements of the program are larger and more advanced than they were before the Cold War -- the Gulf War?" Can you guess who said those four things?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: It's a possibility that the Clinton administration said that at one time.
HANNITY: No, no. John Edwards, Joe Lieberman, Dick Gephardt, John Kerry. And Hillary herself said, "I voted for the Iraqi resolution in large measure based on the intelligence" she was privy to as first lady.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: All right. But Hannity...
HANNITY: Did they exaggerate?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: But they did not go to the American people to try to gain support.
HANNITY: Did they exaggerate like you said the president exaggerated? Are you going to say the same thing?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: It was on everyone's part who took part in declaring that this war should be waged. I was not one of those. Because I thought that the inspectors should have been given time to go in and try to find these weapons of mass destruction.
HANNITY: J.C., you point out, rightly so, the U.N. knew, the Clinton administration laid out the case in '98, no Democrat that is now attacking this president very early after the war, by the way. We still have a lot of inspecting to do, that they're doing it and it's for clearly partisan, political reasons, to -- excuse me, Juanita. Excuse me. Right, J.C.? This is what it's about.
WATTS: Sean, it does make you do what Arsenio Hall would do in his monologue when they say, "Things that make you go hmm." You know, and Sean, also, I want to throw in here, you had 15 countries that voted unanimously, saying that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Fifteen countries unanimously. Now where are the weapons of mass destruction? Did he sell them off? Did he get rid of them? I mean, they agreed.

(CROSSTALK)

HANNITY: The United Nations in '98 said they had them.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: This is why we want the U.N. inspectors to go in and try to find them. This is why you should have given the U.N. inspectors time to look for those while they were there.
WATTS: But, Juanita you all were saying then, let's give the inspectors more time...
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: Yes.
WATTS: ... and now you're saying with the Bush administration, we want them yesterday.
HANNITY: That's right.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: No, we're not saying that, J.C. We're simply saying...
HANNITY: Yes, you are.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: No, we're not.
HANNITY: You accused the president of exaggerating.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: We have lost all of these lives on the premise that there was weapons of mass destruction. We have not found those.
HANNITY: Do you think the president lied, Juanita? Do you think the president lied, congresswoman?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: You're not going to put words in my mouth.
HANNITY: You think he did? That's a question. That's not words in your mouth.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: You're saying that the intelligence...
HANNITY: Do you think he did, yes or no? Do you think he lied?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: I was going to say maybe what was given to the president was skewed or there was an exaggeration of the intelligence.
HANNITY: Here's my point. Bill Clinton said the same thing in '98, the U.N. said the same thing when they laid out the exact weapons they had. Did they also lie? And why didn't you ask for an investigation into their, quote, "exaggeration"?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: Well, I was not privy to any input then. I am now. I am saying that there was an over-exaggeration of the intelligence.
HANNITY: Should we investigate Bill Clinton? Should we investigate whether Bill Clinton lied?
COLMES: We've got to take a break. Bill Clinton was not calling for an all-out war and regime change.
HANNITY: No, he just bombed the living daylights out of them.
COLMES: He did not call for regime change.
HANNITY: Now we get back to our debate. All right. Congresswoman, I'm going to give it one more shot. This is what I want to say to you. We know that the night that your beloved Bill Clinton bombed Iraq that he cited Iraq's chemical, biological, nuclear weapons program and the threat of weapons of mass destruction. Now you just said in the last segment that George Bush exaggerated. We ought to investigate these things. I want to know if you are fair and balanced, if you want the same investigation into Bill Clinton's claims of whether or not they existed when he made those claims to the American people? Because none of you liberals did that at that time but you're doing it to this president. So I've got to believe it's politically motivated.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: What I want now, Hannity, is that this administration, who came to the American people saying that we must go to war because there were weapons of mass destruction...
HANNITY: What about Bill Clinton, will you demand the same of him?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: He's no longer in office.
HANNITY: But we can still investigate if he exaggerated, so you care so much about the issue, should we do it for him?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: I do care about the issue because I care about those who have been killed at the hands of these rogues.
HANNITY: Why not investigate Bill Clinton...
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: Hannity.
HANNITY: ... when he bombed Iraq?
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: We're talking now about this present administration. We're not going to go back in history to try and claim who did what.
HANNITY: My fears have been confirmed that there is a double standard.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: It is not a double standard.
HANNITY: This is politically motivated. That the people that were on the wrong side of destroying the dictator, who filled the mass graves, don't want to be accountable for their wrong decision and they want to turn it around into a political issue and demand of this president what they never demanded of their own president, correct?
WATTS: Well, and Sean, let me remind you that Slobodan Milosevic, also, you know, he didn't have weapons of mass destruction and we went after him.
COLMES: That wasn't the argument used, Congressman. You're mixing apples and oranges here.
WATTS: I'm just giving you another instance of a double standard.
COLMES: But that wasn't the argument used to go after Milosevic.
WATTS: Alan, but consider this. There's over 600 sites over there and we've probably inspected 150 to 200 of them. So I still believe they're going to find weapons of mass destruction. But I think...
COLMES: Well, you know, we might. We might. But...
WATTS: I think the American people are delighted that we have gotten that dictator, that brutal dictator by the name of Saddam Hussein and his regime out of power.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: J.C., the American people are concerned now about this war being waged here.
WATTS: The great majority of the American people are supportive of what happened and you all are assuming that you're going to have a political issue because we're not going to find weapons of mass destruction.
COLMES: Congresswoman Watts, would you acknowledge that Bill Clinton -- just hold on a second. J.C., Bill Clinton had a very different...
WATTS: ... structure when Saddam Hussein...
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: You know what, you're manipulating now. You're manipulating this whole issue here.
WATTS: No, I'm saying that we've got rid of one weapon of mass destruction and we're going to find more and we'll deal with that.
COLMES: Get Congresswoman Millender-McDonald in here.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: No, but that was not the reason we went to the war.
COLMES: Hold on, J.C. Congresswoman, Bill Clinton, let's be very clear here. Bill Clinton did not go in and do regime change. He didn't use the excuse of weapons of mass destruction...
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: That is correct.
COLMES: ... to put American lives at risk to the extent that George W. Bush did. He didn't go in and make Iraq a protector of the United States, protectorate, that is, and put in U.S.-led government...
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: That is correct.
COLMES: ... and change the government. So to compare what Bill Clinton did to what George W. Bush did with American lives and Iraqi civilian lives, by the way, who were lost in the thousands, is not at all analogous.
MILLENDER-MCDONALD: That is correct, very much so. And at this point we're talking about our present president, the sitting president, who came to the American people asking them for support. And this was presented on the premise of weapons of mass destruction. So now the American people are asking, "Where are they? Where are the weapons?"
HANNITY: The point is Bill Clinton used the premise to bomb Iraq. Those were his arguments. J.C., you get the last word. Go ahead.
WATTS: Sean, just to let me make one point. Alan and Juanita, you guys are saying that the Clinton administration didn't deal with the regime. That's the problem.
COLMES: That's not what we said. That's not what I said.
WATTS: You're saying that they didn't go in and change regimes and, you know, send American people over there to administer that. The problem that we found with the previous administration, they kept kicking the can down the road.
HANNITY: That's a good point. J.C., we've got to run.
WATTS: This administration said, "We're going to deal with it."

We are the champions. I suppose that I really shouldn't be suprised that when Bush said we were going to 'liberate" Iraq, he really ment "suppress the female population by archaic, restrictive, mysogynistic religious edicts." Man, Ari Fleischer did a good job of spinning that one, huh? And I'm not even going to talk about those weapons of mass destruction, which have mysteriously moved to Iran.

In freer Iraq, new curbs on women's wear

By Ilene R. Prusher | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

BAGHDAD – The only parts of Maryam Mohammed and Zeinab Sarowa visible to the world are their hands and faces. But when they come for Friday prayers at the Shiite mosque where they have worshiped all their lives, they are turned away.
The reason: though covered head to toe, they're not wearing the dark, billowing clothing the guard says is required for Muslim women during prayer.

Sulking with her friends outside one of Baghdad's holiest Shiite shrines in the neighborhood of Kadhumiya, Ms. Mohammed says that in the past, even when visiting the world-famous Shiite sites in Najaf and Karbala, no one questioned her dress or barred her from entering.

But that was then. In the new Iraq, religious groups, once under the stifling control of Saddam Hussein, are testing out their newfound elbow room. Some Iraqis view this as the unfettering of faith after decades of a Baathist regime that brutally suppressed religion, particularly the majority Shiites. For others, many women in particular, it is as if the piercing summer sun, which bathes the courtyard of the shrine, is also drying up their liberties before their eyes.

"Thursday they sent my sister away. Who are they? Who put them in charge?" snaps Ms. Sarowa, who finished a political science degree two years ago, but has yet to find a job. "If there were a government here, they wouldn't be able to do that."

There is an authority of sorts at the shrine containing the tomb of Imam Musa al-Kadhum and his grandson, for whom the neighborhood is named. It is called the Hawza el Miya, which is the world's foremost seminary of Shiite religious learning. It is made up of 1,000 scholars who are authorized to issue fatwas, or religious edicts. The word of the Hawza is considered the most authoritative in the Shiite world, and presents a challenge even to the clerics in Iran's holy city of Qom, whose role was elevated by the flight of Iraqi religious leaders during Mr. Hussein's rule.

It is the Hawza, says an armed guard actively turning away women who are not in abaya, who has ordered the enforcement of this new dress code.

Both Mohammed and Sarowa are wearing long, light-colored suit-jackets, floor-length skirts, and hijab, or an Islamic head scarf. But they are not, the guard at door of the dazzling mosque and Shiite shrine complains, wearing the abaya. The abaya, a big and billowing head-to-toe black cloth that is placed over a long black cloak - which itself is worn over a woman's indoor clothing - with a separate, tightly fastened head scarf, is similar to the chador worn by many women in Iran. What Iraqis call the jupeh, a long, straight-cut gown similar the Western equivalent of a housedress, is not sufficient, says Said Alla Azaidi.

"My dear sister," he tells an inquiring woman, "it is an order from the Hawza of Najaf, because all of the body of a woman should be protected. A woman must not show any part but her face to strangers." The coat she wears "must be wide," he says, at least when she's coming to a religious establishment.

The policy, Mr. Azaidi says, began to be instituted after the fall of Mr. Hussein's regime.

"The [long dresses] which open in the front with buttons, that's no good. We don't consider that lawful hijab," Azaidi continues. Nor are light or pastel fabrics, like the whites and blues worn by Mohammed and Sarowa approved.

"When a man who is praying at the mosque looks at a woman with this colorful clothing, he will be distracted by Satan, and she will be distracted, too," he says. The policy could not be enforced in the past, he adds, because "Saddam Hussein was persecuting the Shiites and he didn't want a Muslim society."

No jeans for 'real' Muslims

The quickly evolving dress code is not limited to mosques. At Al Mustansirriye University in Baghdad, new guidelines have been posted on student bulletin boards by "security officers" who say they have been elected to represent the Hawza on campus. On professor complains that Baath Party enforcers are just being replaced by Hawza authorities.

Signs near the campus entrance state: "A [new version of the] hijab appeared in Iraq after the year 2000 in which girls leave part of the head uncovered. Although this is called the French hijab, it is made in Iraq and is widespread in institutions and universities. Therefore we address all believers. They should ask representative of the Hawza for their opinions about such hijab and whether it is allowed."

The sign then goes on to provide an answer from Ayatollah Sheikh Mohammed El Yacuby, an expert on social problems. "The woman who wears such hijab is not a real Muslim and she has no belief in Islam. There is no permission for this kind of hijab," the Ayatollah's response reads. The sign goes on to state that pants, jeans, or culottes are also not allowed.

With such notices popping up in various places, several women complain that they fear things are getting worse, not better, as a result of the US-led invasion. The coalition authorities occupying Iraq have pledged that they will do everything possible to ensure that the new Iraq will empower all groups, including women. L. Paul Bremer, the US civilian administrator in Iraq, says the political council of 25 to 30 members he is appointing next month will certainly include women.

It is not just women who are concerned about religious Shiite muscle flexing.

"The only thing I take exception to is the naiveté to think that woman is the enemy of God. They are imposing hijab, but only in certain [areas]," says Dr. Nadhmi, who is a Sunni living in a Shiite neighborhood. "I wouldn't be reluctant to write articles saying, 'You are making fools of yourselves in imposing the hijab, and not just hijab, but abaya.' "

No imitating Americans

The sudden strictness appears to be applied by zealous individuals who have appointed themselves to the task, and may not be an actual modesty police with authority to enforce new rules.

"We don't have a new policy toward women these days," says Mullah Hamid Rashid al Saadi, a cleric from Sadr City, a poor and predominantly Shiite area that was once forced to call itself Saddam City. "The commitment to wear these things comes from the heart. You cannot enforce it."

That hasn't stopped the guardians at the gates of Kadhumiya. Different guards were spotted turning away women not wearing abaya. In one case, a woman wearing a long black robe and a golden-yellow head scarf - but not the abaya - was told to stay out. When a foreign reporter approached her to ask her what happened, the guard said: "I'll let you in this time, but don't come back like this again." The woman, who declined to give her name, was insulted. "I do not consider myself Sunni or Shiite," she says, "I am just a Muslim, and I have always come here."

Some women say the guards are being reasonable. Women should wear the abaya to attend prayers, some say, and should not come dressed stylishly in pants "like the Sunni women used to be able to," one woman said, as her friends agreed.

Mothers with adolescent girls not in abaya were told that they could come in if they walked with their daughters covered inside the wing of the mother's abayas.

When Friday prayers come at about one o'clock in the afternoon, worshipers listen to a sermon by Sayed Hazem al-Aragy, a cleric who has just returned from exile in Iran.

"The Iraqi people should keep away from the American forces. Students in universities have a heavy task for themselves: to try to stop anyone who tries to imitate the American style, either in dress or in thought," Mr. Aragy said, "because they are trying to spoil Islam and the Muslim shrines."

The young women, disappointed that they could not attend prayers, decided to go shopping instead. "Why are they doing this now? It is important to put freedom in place first. I am ready to go to complain to a human rights organization," says Sarowa. Realistically, she did not expect anyone, especially not the US soldiers sparsely patrolling this neighborhood, to get involved. "Who can say anything to the Hawza? This is a problem for us."

Grease is the word. I'm starting to hate the word "Iraq." The tall "i," the curled "r" leading to the fat "a" and the smug, misplaced "q." What the hell is that "q" doing all the way out there, especially without its long-time mate, "u?" Did "q" and "u" have a fight? And let's not forget the stupid American pronunciation: Eye-rack. Like a rack of lamb or a ski rack. Really, it's a pretty word, especially when one rolls the "r." Irrrrrahck. Lovely.

Leave it to our government to make me detest a country's name, of all things.

And all the stars are just like little fish. Are our politicians on crack, and we just haven't found out about it yet? What the heck is going on? The Laci and Connor Law? Someone pinch me, I must be having a nightmare.

How 'partial birth' bill fits into shifting abortion wars
With Wednesday's vote, antiabortion forces score a win and Bush hones his support base.

By Linda Feldmann | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

WASHINGTON – When Republicans took the reins of Congress in January, abortion activists on both sides of the issue knew it was only a matter of time: With a sympathetic ear in the White House, major antiabortion legislation would at last become law.
For political reasons, President Bush didn't make passage of a ban on so-called partial-birth abortions his top priority. He had Iraq and tax cuts in his sights first. But, with the easy House passage of the partial-birth bill Wednesday night, the way is nearly clear for the president to satisfy a long-held dream of social conservatives, who have been fighting to outlaw the rare form of late-term abortion for eight years.

In short order, later this month, the Senate will vote on another bill dear to religious conservatives that enjoys wide public support: the Unborn Victims of Violence Act, which recognizes a fetus as a crime victim if he or she is injured or killed in the course of a federal crime. The House has renamed the bill Laci and Conner's Law, after the high-profile murder in California of Laci Peterson and her unborn son.

Proponents of "fetal rights" are on a roll. The publicity surrounding the Peterson case, congressional action, and a Newsweek cover story on fetal rights featuring photos of a developing fetus - including one undergoing surgery - have pushed the already defensive abortion-rights movement further back on its heels.

"The fetal rights thing is part of an effort to create a picture that is not of moral, mature individual women making the best decisions for themselves," says Roger Evans, public-policy legal director of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. "The woman is out of the picture entirely. Instead, the picture that is created is of everybody's image of a cute little baby."

The future of the abortion tug-of-war

Where is all this heading? Ultimately, abortion foes hope to eliminate the right to abortion altogether - though many are willing to grant an exception if the mother's life is in danger. If one or more Supreme Court justices retires soon - a distinct possibility - World War III may break out in Washington over whom Bush nominates and what his or her stand on abortion might be.

Beyond that, the two sides part company in their analysis. Abortion-rights supporters see a Supreme Court that could be one vote away from overturning the nationwide right to abortion, as enshrined in the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision.

Abortion opponents believe they need at least two new justices, and don't feel that the nation is culturally ready to outlaw abortion. Thus the focus on peripheral bills like the partial-birth abortion ban and Unborn Victims of Violence Act, which horrify the public with gruesome images and may prepare the way for a frontal assault on abortion rights.

Politically, analysts say, Bush has handled the issue wisely. He's encouraged legislation that enjoys broad public support - including the approval of centrists who support the right to abortion, in the vast majority of cases, as long as it comes early in the pregnancy. A Newsweek poll found that 84 percent of the American public believes prosecutors should be able to bring homicide charges when a fetus is killed in the womb during a physical assault. But antiabortion legislators know that their strength on fetal issues would evaporate if they attacked abortion directly.

"There's no appetite among Republicans on Capitol Hill to visit polarizing cultural issues," says a senior aide to an anti-abortion senator. "They're very careful to approach the abortion issues around the edges, rather than those on the core."

John Green, an expert on the religious right at the University of Akron in Ohio, sees Bush and his top political adviser, Karl Rove, as coalition-builders whose own convictions are deeply colored by the need to keep that coalition together. "Bush is handling the issue very well," says Professor Green. Signing the late-term abortion bill will help "cement the social-conservative base. They're hungry for any kind of legislative victory. And it doesn't restrict that many abortions."

With limited laws, little public uproar

In the minds of most people, banning a rare form of abortion that critics call "partial-birth abortion," and granting fetuses some legal rights, does not represent a slippery slope toward the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Thus, these laws can be enacted without much public uproar. Already 28 states have laws that criminalize harm to fetuses - while protecting a woman's right to choose abortion and a doctor's right to perform one.

A vacancy on the Supreme Court is a different matter, though, and abortion-rights forces are getting ready for the struggle by conducting research on people the president might nominate and bracing themselves for the onslaught of attention that they hope will help their cause.

In the meantime, activists like Kate Michelman, head of NARAL Pro-Choice America, watch as much of the public goes along with socially conservative legislation that she sees as deceptive.

"The truth is, antichoice legislators dominate the House and the Senate, as well as the White House," says Ms. Michelman. "And that is frankly a result of pro-choice Americans not understanding how at risk their constitutional right to freedom of choice is." But when a vacancy opens up on the Supreme Court, she adds, "we are ready to go into high gear."

The answer is home. Scariest photo ever. Ev.Er. And at only $4.99, it's quite a steal, eh? *shudder*

When she squeezed me tight, she nearly broke my spine. So I've grown two inches since starting college. I was 5'6.75" and now I'm 5'8.5" I'm positively amazonian. Yow.

And, because good things always seem to end, I miss my roommate:
J: The waffle house will be hit tomorrow night, though
E: I like waffles
J: I'm all about the bad grits, and T. is all about the waffles ;-)
E: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
J: *smirks*
E: That was a good one
J: Why thank you

Never, ever wanna crash. Yes, I suck and have not updated in forever. Sue me, it's finals. Bah. In the mean time, amuse yourself with this.

I can be cruel. In the spirit of procrastination, I made a list of stuff that annoys me. This does not include the obvious such as intolerance, sexism, racism, Republicans, etc. I'm living up to my title of 2003 Lil' Miss Vicious, huh?

• People who use the word chica (e.g "I'm out with my chicas")


• People who sign e-mails "cheers" or "ttfn."


• Toe rings


• Leopard print or any kind of cat print


• Those damn pants with the words written across the ass


• People who lace their shoes the wrong way in an attempt to be "indie." Also included under this subject are people who misspell their names intentionally so as to be "unique."
  
• People who put countdowns on their aim profiles documenting when they get to go home and hang out with their high school friends.


• People who wear clothing that's way too small because they think it looks sexy.


• Helpless people. Also, people who always have to be the center of attention.


• People who pretend to be lesbians to get attention from men.


• Men with "Asian fetishes."


• People who listen to Oakenfold and think they're into the raver scene. Also, people who listen to Weezer and think they're indie or emo.


• People who think they are required to know about every esoteric underground band out there (e.g. "I really need to get into Tapes n' Tapes").


• Yuppies *shudder*

Met him in a hotel. My profound thought of the moment: Sex is good, much better than paper writing.

Ah, I feel better now that I've shared that with you.

She burns in the sun. I can't tell you how depressing I find the end of the semester. Between all the work I have to get through during finals, the packing, the late nights, the lack of sex... and then to have to leave everyone I love... it just kills me every time. I had a nice little routine going, and there's still stuff I want to do before I leave that just won't get done. Boo.

At the N. dinner tonight, P. kept talking about all her friends who were getting engaged and how she's going to stay with her boyfriend after graduation blah blah blah. Things I just don't need to think about.

I'll admit that going home has distinct advantages, and I can't say that my summer is going to suck. But I still feel like summer is intertia. It's like I'm storing up all this potential energy when all I want to do is explode into kenetic. It's a big stop until you can start again. Also, I only have one semester left until I go abroad. I really feel like time is running out for me and everything I know is going to come to an end, so I'd better make the most of the time that I have.

Sus, we have to go dancing this summer!

Timebombs are marching. It's that time again...

Too busy to bother with those pesky SEQs? Just cut and paste these easy to use responses:

Valuable features: I really liked the live animal sacrifices. Also, the lab on the effects of ethyl alcohol on motor coordination (in that really cool Buick on the Mass. Pike) was great. (Note: for a non-lab course substitute; Learning all those ways to say "fornicate yourself" was really great, too.)

Features to Improve: I don't think that we should have been required to clean the instuctors home and office. I also think that adding a human sacrifice, I'm thinking specifically of that Econ major who always sat in the front row, would have added immensely to the course.

Own Effort: Well, one time I showed up, at least long enough to barf, after a long night out. Now that's effort!

Recommend course: I would recommend this class to anyone who aspires to be a bartender in a strip joint on Long Island. Other than that, avoid it like the plague.

Rating of course: PG

Recommend Instructor: I would recommend Professor ____________ for the nearest leper colony. Or, if that's not possible, for a long slow death by boredom, listening to someone as dull as he/she is.

Rating of Instructor: PG-13

Hope this helps - remember that they're required!

Bless me with Athena. You know that you've been living with someone for too long when conversations such as the following occur:
J: I put the thingy on the thingies . . . you know, that goes on the thingy . . . Whoa, did anyone actually understand that?
Me: Yeah . . . I did. Somehow, I did . . . you put the foam covers on the ends of your earbuds. *contemplates* Holy shit!

Yes, it is truly sad *shakes head in shame*

You put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up. My roommate is currently taunting me with pizza. I said I wouldn't order any because I'm watching my weight, and now there's this eerie voice eminating behind me making yummy noises and mentioning various delicious aspects of pizza. I'm getting a bit scared, to tell you the truth. And hungry. That bitch :-p

In other news, L(y) just attempted to explain to me why I am not on her list of three Ns she would want with her on a desert island. I quote the conversation below as it is quite hilarious:
L(y): The reason why you're not included on my list is 'cause I wouldn't want you to be stuck on a desert island. You're too cool for that.
Me: Aww, you're sweet. But I still think I'd be good desert island company.
L(y): You would. If you were on vacation with me, hell yeah. But stuck with me? I'd rather you weren't there.
Me: It's cuz I smell, isn't it?
L(y): *Everyone* smells on a desert island.

Ah, the laughter. What were my choices, you ask? Well, here you go:
I would pick L(y), L(c) and Sus... except Sus would get thrown to the sharks for being a traitor and abandoning us. And then, while the sharks were distracted by the Sus meat, L(c), L(y) and I would launch the raft we made and sail to safety. Let this be a lesson to you all: Quit the N and you become shark bate.

Ah, good times.

I can't wash you off my skin. I was hoping that I'd be able to offer a lovely retrospective of the French films I've viewed this semester, replete with voluptuous scenes of courtly life in the 18th century and gorgeously erotic sex scenes. Instead, I offer an examination of decent into crappiness.

We begin with the most spine-tingling scene that has ever been filmed, complete with red velvet, candlelight and orgasms. The movie itself leaves much to be desired, but see it just for Madame de Montespan's obvious joy.

Le roi danse. Parfait.

Next, we descend into mediocrity with an oafish Gerard Depardieu and Uma Thurman attempting to portray a marquise. Riiiiight. Nevertheless, this movie is positively sumptuous and made me very hungry. It also made me wish I was king.

Vatel. Belle.

Last, we encounter a movie with absolutely no redeeming value. A cryptic plot, an ugly actress (who I did not want to see washing her genitals after sex or bathing in blood), self-flagellation, and nuns. Don't forget the pretty blond chick who dies and her crazy friend with piercing blue eyes who can't ride a horse to save her life (literally). I wished I could have married the 73-year-old like the busty chick to escape this horror of a film.
Saint-Cyr. Terrible.

All in all, see them for the scenery, not for the substance.

Not a chill to the window but a little to the air. My hair barette has acquired the obnoxious habit of popping open unexpectedly, smacking me in the back of the head, and scaring the fuck out of me in the process. Bah. Just what I need.

I'm in the process of furiously pounding out a draft for WOST at 1:30 p.m. Dear lord, my head just might explode. I am very nervous.

I have to watch a movie for French at 6:30 p.m. If it's anything like Le roi danse there will be lovely photos to accompany it. Perhaps I shall do an entire retrospective of erotic Louis XIV-themed films, although Vatel was sorely lacking in this department. Uma Thurman is just not arousing.

Rediscover Sublime's 40 oz. to Freedom. You'll thank yourself.

My sweetest friend. On an adorable note:


I love when I wake up and you are beside me

Shake up your bones. Because I got very carried away with myself, I'm tempted to excerpt part of an e-mail I just wrote. It's quite amusing.

I suppose that finals aren't compatible with happiness, you know? If they were, they'd call them...Joyals or Funals. Yes, funals would be a definite improvement. The professors would hand out ice cream that would make you lose weight and there'd be a carnival with wiener dogs as prizes and there would be one question: "2+2=?" And then you'd be dismissed with a guaranteed A. And then we could make love for the rest of the day in a big, canopy bed with beautiful white cotton sheets in Paris with French doors that opened out to a balcony with a view of the Tour Eiffel. And I'd be wearing a white, silk slip that made me look sinuous yet smooth and I'd be so beautiful. You'd just be naked (It's my fantasy, I say you're naked). and it would be very breezy and the air would smell fresh. Mmmm.....

I'm nothing if not romantic. But you have to admit, that's a truly fantastic reverie.

Waiting for the eastern glow. Such a nice goodbye:
Grunge: Sweet dreams then sweet lady.
Me: Thank you. That was rather lovely.
Grunge: Then it was appropriate.

Send me on my way. I've been informed by a certain someone that my blog sucks. I shall thus try to amend this horrible offense.

G. Ba and I took a walk around the lake today. I finally got a picture of myself in front of one of the topiaries. I now feel complete. We stumbled upon this very strange "sculpture" in the woods that from far away looked like the foundation for a small shack, but contained a mixture of shaped stone and metal. It's absolutely indescribable and very strange. We can't figure out why it's there. Anyone know? We also walked around the rejuvinated wetlands, which has this channeled, fast-flowing stream running along side it. I think it should be turned into a log flume, myself. I think that W. would be infinitely better with a log flume, don't you?

And now, time to keep aliens away from my fishand then to read about sexual harassment. I lead quite the thrilling life, you know?

Joy to the fishies in the deep blue sea.
Le Poisson: Pourquoi est-ce que tu m'aime?
Le Sel: Tu as une jolie queue...et tu es jolie quand tu joues dans la mer avec tous les autres poissons.

For crap's sake! It's April! It shouldn't be snowing. Didn't God get the memo?

Dear lord. Tori Amos is covering Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit"...*shiver*

Acceptance. I am a sugar junky. There's no use trying to deny it any longer. It is the truth. As a result of this revelation, I'm actively trying to cut back and eventually ween myself completely off of all sweets. As you might have guessed, I am subsequently going through severe withdrawl. I got the shakes, man... well no, not that serious. But I am craving chocolate like nobody's business, and I have a feeling it's directly contributing to my intense sleepiness at the moment.

Consequently, I shall now become a caffeine addict like the rest of America. Why can't I just be a sex addict like a normal person? It'd be a much more enjoyable activity to pursue, and I'd burn calories in the process ;-)

Phrase of the day: "Sweet Lucifer's fistula." I stumbled upon it while wasting time on the Institute of Official Cheer's website. Descriptive, no? Try to use it in a sentence today. I'm sure you'll make some very special new friends if you do.

In passing, the minute I read the word "fistula" I immediately thought of Lous XIV. I am such a Frenchie.

Hilarity. I've been meaning to post this photograph for ages. I think it's absolutely hysterical. Check out the Institute of Official Cheer for more vintage ridiculousness.



FutureDog! Dog of The Future! One of those dreadful 60s glimpses into the world to come, when bouffanted women would stuff Asta in a plastic crypt when they were off slamming MaiTais and smoking Silva Thins. The poor dog is even wearing a cape, which is even more mortifying. Dogs do not want to wear capes. Dogs are not interested in the future.

The writing on the bottom of the cage, incidentally, says "Patent Pending." What possible patent could they have for this device? A new way of making dogs find it impossible to get comfortable?